spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
I posted this in the infidelity support group and feel like no one understood where I was coming from. I was referred to this group and hope I can get the support and love that I need here.
This is my story...
It all started 5 years ago when we first got married. We were happy, we could not keep our hands off of each other. This lead to getting pregnant 3 months after we were married. WE were excited to bring a child into this world, or so I thought. After a couple months went by, I started to see phone numbers coming up on his phone, instant messages from females, he was lying about where he was going, I knew he was cheating. I tried to make it work, my entire pregnancy... After I had my son, I told myself I could not have a man like this in his life and decided to leave when he continued to talk to other women. He was in the military so I decided to move back home with my 8 week old baby. (devestating) I raised my son all by myself, living at home and finishing school for 10 months. My husband lived in a different state and we talked on an everyday basis, he said he wanted to make it work and told me he was a changed man. I decided to take him back into our lives and give him another chance... that lead to more and more chances.. uuugggh. Anyway, he came home... a few months went by and it all seemed "better", I thought he had finally changed. I was wrong.. he continued to talk to women at work, on the internet, where ever he could find them. I always told him I would leave, but never did. ( I guess leaving the first time was hard enough on me)
To make a long story short... I believe he has cheated on me all the way up to last January (2010). At that time I was ready for a divorce, I spoke with a lawyer and it was all nearly finalized when I think he realized he was actually going to lose me. I seen somehthing in him that I had never seen before, dont ask me what, but I decided to give him yet another chance. By this time we had gone through almost 4 years of cheating. (DUMB... I KNOW!)
From last January(2010) until now, I KNOW he has been 100% faithful to me, he has shown me a complete turn around. We found out August (2010) that we were expecting our second child and we were absolutely thrilled. I did not want my son growing up as an only child like I did so this was very special to me.I had a great pregnancy, it seemed that our life was FINALLY coming together. UNTIL... this February (2011), one day, when I was just getting home from work, I heard a knock on the door. I answered and a man asked for my husband, I told him that he was not home that I was his wife, I could help him. He explained that he was from the state and he was here to serve papers for a PATERNITY TEST for my husband!!!!! I told him there must be some sort of mistake, we have been married for nearly 5 years!!! He told me he couldnt go into details but he had papers ordered for my husband to take this test. (Let me remind you I am 7 months pregnant at the time.) I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, my heart actually came up into my throat. I called my husband right away and he couldnt believe his ears as well.
Turns out he slept with a woman when I left him the first time (when my son was 8 weeks old in 2007) The other woman was trying to get on state assistance and the state ordered the paternity test. It took about 8 weeks to get the actual results which led all the way up to the delivery of our daughter. He IS the father of her child who is almost 3 years old now..... My husband has been ordered to pay child support and provide healthcare for her son. This obviously has had a significant affect on myself and my husband emotionally as well as financially. This past payday was our first paycheck to have the child support taken out and I am not sure how we will be able to make ends meet. (especially with a brand new baby, and hospital bills) We agreed I would be a stay at home mom when our daughter was born and I REFUSE to go back to work to pay for this SLUTS child. My husband makes nearly 3 times what she makes, this makes his child support payments ridiculously high!
I am angry and hurt. I feel like I should have left all of the other times he cheated, I feel like those were Gods signs, telling me to get out and I didnt listen! I am sooo angry with myself! I am torn between staying and leaving once again... he has shown me an entirely different side and has shown me how much he wants our family. I do believe he has changed, and I know this was a HUGE life changing wake up call... I am just not sure I can live with the fact he impregnated another woman... I do know I will not have my husband have any part of this childs life, he of course has to pay child support but other than that as long as I am around he will not have anything to do with this child! I know it sounds horrible but I personally cannot do it!
We are now trying to contact the other woman to see if she has anyone positive in her sons life to step up and care for him, relinguishing my husbands parental rights. However, the state will NOT give us ANY contact information for her. I feel like we will be fighting a losing battle. I mean, do I not have any rights as his wife?! Obviously not, this one night stand slut has more rights and say in this then I do... its unfair and frustrates the hell out of me!
I have found her on facebook so we decided to write her. So far no response, I am not sure she even is active on there because her profile is set to private. Anyway, this is my story.... any encouraging words, experiences or input would be oh so helpful. Again this is my first time even telling this story... those of you who have read this far, thanks for reading my novel....
This is my story...
It all started 5 years ago when we first got married. We were happy, we could not keep our hands off of each other. This lead to getting pregnant 3 months after we were married. WE were excited to bring a child into this world, or so I thought. After a couple months went by, I started to see phone numbers coming up on his phone, instant messages from females, he was lying about where he was going, I knew he was cheating. I tried to make it work, my entire pregnancy... After I had my son, I told myself I could not have a man like this in his life and decided to leave when he continued to talk to other women. He was in the military so I decided to move back home with my 8 week old baby. (devestating) I raised my son all by myself, living at home and finishing school for 10 months. My husband lived in a different state and we talked on an everyday basis, he said he wanted to make it work and told me he was a changed man. I decided to take him back into our lives and give him another chance... that lead to more and more chances.. uuugggh. Anyway, he came home... a few months went by and it all seemed "better", I thought he had finally changed. I was wrong.. he continued to talk to women at work, on the internet, where ever he could find them. I always told him I would leave, but never did. ( I guess leaving the first time was hard enough on me)
To make a long story short... I believe he has cheated on me all the way up to last January (2010). At that time I was ready for a divorce, I spoke with a lawyer and it was all nearly finalized when I think he realized he was actually going to lose me. I seen somehthing in him that I had never seen before, dont ask me what, but I decided to give him yet another chance. By this time we had gone through almost 4 years of cheating. (DUMB... I KNOW!)
From last January(2010) until now, I KNOW he has been 100% faithful to me, he has shown me a complete turn around. We found out August (2010) that we were expecting our second child and we were absolutely thrilled. I did not want my son growing up as an only child like I did so this was very special to me.I had a great pregnancy, it seemed that our life was FINALLY coming together. UNTIL... this February (2011), one day, when I was just getting home from work, I heard a knock on the door. I answered and a man asked for my husband, I told him that he was not home that I was his wife, I could help him. He explained that he was from the state and he was here to serve papers for a PATERNITY TEST for my husband!!!!! I told him there must be some sort of mistake, we have been married for nearly 5 years!!! He told me he couldnt go into details but he had papers ordered for my husband to take this test. (Let me remind you I am 7 months pregnant at the time.) I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, my heart actually came up into my throat. I called my husband right away and he couldnt believe his ears as well.
Turns out he slept with a woman when I left him the first time (when my son was 8 weeks old in 2007) The other woman was trying to get on state assistance and the state ordered the paternity test. It took about 8 weeks to get the actual results which led all the way up to the delivery of our daughter. He IS the father of her child who is almost 3 years old now..... My husband has been ordered to pay child support and provide healthcare for her son. This obviously has had a significant affect on myself and my husband emotionally as well as financially. This past payday was our first paycheck to have the child support taken out and I am not sure how we will be able to make ends meet. (especially with a brand new baby, and hospital bills) We agreed I would be a stay at home mom when our daughter was born and I REFUSE to go back to work to pay for this SLUTS child. My husband makes nearly 3 times what she makes, this makes his child support payments ridiculously high!
I am angry and hurt. I feel like I should have left all of the other times he cheated, I feel like those were Gods signs, telling me to get out and I didnt listen! I am sooo angry with myself! I am torn between staying and leaving once again... he has shown me an entirely different side and has shown me how much he wants our family. I do believe he has changed, and I know this was a HUGE life changing wake up call... I am just not sure I can live with the fact he impregnated another woman... I do know I will not have my husband have any part of this childs life, he of course has to pay child support but other than that as long as I am around he will not have anything to do with this child! I know it sounds horrible but I personally cannot do it!
We are now trying to contact the other woman to see if she has anyone positive in her sons life to step up and care for him, relinguishing my husbands parental rights. However, the state will NOT give us ANY contact information for her. I feel like we will be fighting a losing battle. I mean, do I not have any rights as his wife?! Obviously not, this one night stand slut has more rights and say in this then I do... its unfair and frustrates the hell out of me!
I have found her on facebook so we decided to write her. So far no response, I am not sure she even is active on there because her profile is set to private. Anyway, this is my story.... any encouraging words, experiences or input would be oh so helpful. Again this is my first time even telling this story... those of you who have read this far, thanks for reading my novel....
Sending you love and support ;-)
Everything you are feeling I have felt too. Although the particulars of each of our stories are different, the fact that we have to deal with the fact that there is an other child is the same. Feeling like leaving. I've felt that and still feel that (for me it's been 1 year, 20 days since finding out about the OW and OC. The OC was born in December 2010). Feeling like you don't ever want to see the OC. I've felt that. The OC is a living reminder of the betrayal. The OC reminds us of the fact that trust was broken.
Healing is another story. We don't have any chance of healing until we go through all the emotions that you are going through now -- distrust, anger, sadness/hurt/heartbreak, etc. The first year of knowing is horrible. It does ease a bit over time. I think almost everyone goes through a period of crying every day, all day. We go through periods where we are SO ANGRY at our H (in my case it was my long-term live-in BF). We want to hurt him emotionally and many of us do. I went through a period where I was so bitter, resentful and mean.
All these feelings are normal. The hurt is so deep and the fact that so few people truly understand how we hurt is alienating. It is hard to talk to other people because we fear being judged, because of feeling shame, but mainly because we know that most people won't understand and it takes too much emotionally to now have to communicate with others about the situation.
Some of us leave the H. Some of us stay. We each make the choice that is right for us. We are here to support you as you got through this terrible time. Don't be too hard on yourself. We can't change what already happened even the choices that were our own. Don't beat yourself up over your choice to stay. Be kind to yourself. You WILL get through this and you will come out a STRONGER woman than ever before.
hester, i agree with red that it does truly seem like you understand and are in my head. i can't even imagine meeting or being with his child, its like a giant F-U!! and yet, i know that it isn't her fault, and i feel even worse for wishing that she was never born.
i just found out about this 2 days ago and other than crying haven't been able to run through all lthe emotions yet. i can't imagine my life without my husband, but i also can't imagine staying!!