spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
So update.... OC was my DH. He hasn't been as awful over the past year since he was awarded full custody in January, it became affective June 1st, mom's mom gets liberal visitation since she raised her, mom is supposed to get supervised visits but doesn't take them, she's also facing felony charges right now but that's a whole different story.... anyway I'm so lost right now.
We've been adjusting for a year now and it was rough during court but once it was settled we got into a good place with grandma (SD calls her mom), she was horrible to me during court and made horrible comments about my son. After wr settled she became nicer but then school started this week and she flipped out on me for making a suggestion about pick up. It escalated into her calling me am evil stepmom because I told her I was backing off from helping if I'm just getting yelled at and reminded I'm not her mom (even though I'm the one who registered her, changed her last name, switched her doctors, ordered her bc, met with school officials etc), she called me a stupid b, told me to shut my f-ing mouth, and told me I did her hair horribly the first day of school and claimed it was because I'm evil. I've treated SD better than my own children. She claimed she was going to tell SD that I'm evil. DH didn't say anything to her. I'm so depressed right now I can't even stand to be around anyone, they have apologized to each other but neither have apologized to me. DH told me I need to move on and let it go but I can't. I can't even stand being around SD right now because of all of this and I know that isn't her fault but I can't help feel resentful. Honestly I just want out but that would mean losing everything I've worked for and losing my family.... anyway just needed to vent.
Dh and I found out about 2 months ago he may have a 5 yo dd. He actually takes the DNA test with the ow today, I can't be there because of work. Dh and her had a long relationship before we met and she ended up getting pregnant right before she split, however; she was married. It's been determined her now ex is not the father but she's only 97% sure about my husband. Her dd looks just like my 4 yo. Dh and I have a 4 almost 5 yo and a 1 yo. I'm at a loss. We were already on the verge of divorce and barely hanging on and now this. He wants to fight for custody and I just want happiness. He treats me awful (calls me a pos, and other names for no reason). Now, I feel like I can't leave because it would hurt my children financially. The grandmother who has custody is constantly texting us to tell us how great the little girl is doing in school which makes me feel like an awful mother because my ds is a little slower paced, not slow but he's average and does have a speech problem. I work with him as much as I can but it's hard because dh doesn't work with him at all. I already have severe anxiety and this is making it 100x worse. I had a horrible childhood and this is like looking in a mirror. My anxiety is turning into severe depression. Thankfully I recognize depression and do what I can to stay on top of it but it's hard not having anyone to talk to. When I mention this to my dh he just tells me to get over it and calls me more names. Sorry for venting I just need someone to listen.
OC aside, your H is treating you poorly and that needs to change. If he can't respect you, he needs counseling. I would recommend individual counseling for both and marriage counseling. This is a lot to pack on to an already failing marriage.
Even the worst of situations can get better. It can't happen without both partners fully invested in the process. Have you talked about counseling? Is he willing to try ? Has he always called you names and treated you this way?
I'm sorry that toy are going through this. It's not easy, I know.
The quick easy answer would be leave him just based on what information your providing here. It doesn't seem like that's the clear answer for you right now. I think therapy and maybe consider the 180. Ill see if I can find it here but you may have to go to the infidelity board and search "the 180".
It's a system of behaviors and actions on your part to gain independence and confidence. Sometimes it kicks the other spouce in the ass and wakes them up enough to try and improve the relationship.
Some folks do it just for that purpose and the side effect is that they gain a level of confidence that, should the marriage ever fall apart, they could and would be ok.
Some folks do it to gain that confidence and the side effect is the spouse sees this "new found confidence" and it shakes them up enough that they wake up and realize that they don't want to lose them.
IMO, the 180 is a great way to live when your spouse is refusing to take time to fix the marriage.
Pardon any typos. Spell checking on my phone is a pain in the ASS
Please try to find alternate living arrangements. This is not healthy for your children or you.