This is a journal I wrote but I am needing so much more support that I can't just keep it to myself anymore. I've been on here for awhile now but I'm not extremely active anymore.... busy kids have consumed my schedule. . If you are newer and don't know my whole story, friend me and read my journals to get a better understanding. Thanks.




I feel so lost, I feel sooooo incredibly alone. I haven't wrote a journal entry on this because honestly its taken me almost two months to even wrap my head around it. My last entry was about me wanting a divorce. I have been getting my ducks in a row and have been focusing more on myself and my kids... school, working out, and I'm going to start working for my dads company to gain experience in a new career. My husband has noticed my distance and has been trying to work on things that I just could not handle anymore. He is showing effort but I still am working hard to get myself ready for whatever may come.

In the mean time, June 17th, Fathers Day, I received a text from the OW (go figure, it wasn't really a shock) It read....
"I wish I was like you. Idk how you stay strong. I have respect for you. Your stronger than I'll ever be. I'd rather be a single mother divorced then deal with a fucked up bag of dog shit. Goodnight doll. Stay strong and beautiful"

I responded back with....
"I am assuming your referring to L as the bag of dog shit? We have been through a lot and have been together for a very long time. I may be strong but I also have a lot of history and good times with this man. He is lucky to have me, is a very changed man and has been for years.
I had a feeling we would get a text from you on father's day.... the day is hard enough as it is. As I write out his father's day card, your son is in the back of my mind. As I thank of him being a good husband and father, your son is in the back of my mind. Its not your son that hurts me, its what my husband did. Your son to me, is a symbol of his selfish ways... and I cannot get that out of my head.
I know its hard for you as well but please don't passively insult us.... Trust me, I cannot forget about you both, I am constantly reminded and struggle everyday. It truly is a life obstacle I may never get past."

She didn't respond back for a couple days and when she did I couldn't believe my eyes! She told me her husband killed himself on father's day!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I didn't believe her. I searched the internet high and low for an obituary, funeral service etc. Nothing. I thought it was a lie to get me to feel sorry for her and her son.

I was never able to find an obituary or to gain any kind of info about the death, except a couple comments on her Facebook pictures but no concrete evidence.

She texted and she called a few times because she needed her son on our insurance (which he has been since day one and she didn't even know how to use it) She wanted the child support case number and what amount was paid in support......Ummmm she should know all of that info, right?? I helped very minimally and did not give her any specific info. This made me really wonder if she was telling the truth or maybe they just split up?? I don't know her from Joe Blow so how can I trust this woman, especially the scandelous things she has done!!

A couple weeks later I received a picture of the OC. He was wearing a black suit, hair done, forced smile and looked as if he had been crying. this is the message....

"My son J. he's a blessing he's the highlight of my life my Day my night skies means the entire universe to me. he has a biological father who couldn't care less about him he had a dad who was going to adopt him and love him, love his mama And be the best he could be in now he's gone. gone not coming back ever. J will be strong I will raise him good teaching well I'm here for you B I've always been here for you since I knew you and I know we had a really really really rough start I'm really sad and I'm pissed off not at you just I'm angry and completely tripped out. I just can't believe this entire existence can possibly be real."

I apologized for her loss and really did not know what to say. I told her I feel for her son I just don't know what more we can do in this situation.

My heart does break, it TRULY does for this little boy, he's 5. He was named after a man who was going to raise him and be a father to him. The OW wasn't sure who the father was but this man was going to be there. When it didn't work out between them she was forced to find my H for a paternity test. My husband, the biological father cannot be in his life because of me and our marriage the circumstances are unbareable. Then she marries, in my mind a blessing to us all, and one year later he kills himself?!?!? This poor child. He has lost 3 potential father's in less than 5 years of his little life. My heart aches, it makes my stomach sick :(

She called me yesterday.... She set her pride aside and she begged me to be apart of his life. She was crying, sobbing and was desperate. She told me she sees loneliness in her sons eyes. He asks her for a baby brother or sister and he asks to have friends all the time. As a mother this kills me and I can image the pain she is going through. She asked if her, myself and the kids, my two and the OC, could meet for a playdate and lunch. I could tell she had planned it out in her head numerous times and calling me was her final step. She said she would fly to our state, pay for lunch and bring gifts. I really don't need her to buy lunch or buy us gifts and I told her that. She was trying to be nice and convincing I assume.

I told her that is out of this world HUGE for me and I honestly do not know how I feel about it. (Well I know how I feel, I just don't know if its right for all involved) I told her I didn't want to bring my kids into grown up world problems. She agreed but sobbed and said she has been forced to bring her son into these problems. I feel for her. I can't believe I am saying this!!

My heart has been beaten, shattered and bruised. I have become a uncaring, heartless bitch the last 2.5 years. I hate more than I ever have. I am bitter and disgusting. I've aged dramatically and I hate who I am. Occasionally my genuine, caring self shines through but its very rare and my children are probably the only ones to witness my authentic self, the old me. I have a hard shell... get them before they get you attitude. But I do care about others, I may hate what my husband has done and what mess he threw into our life, but I still don't like to see others hurt (thats the real me)...

Karma may be a bitch and she just may be feeling a form of pain that I've felt. All I ever wanted was for het to understand. I wanted her to feel pain, I didnt want her to move on and live happily ever after, that just wouldn't be fair! I wanted her to know what I went through.... But the innocent little boy doesn't deserve ANY of this, even if his mom is a fuck up :(

From what I understand, her husband shot himself on Father's Day night. She was left to clean the mess. He wasn't able to have a casket or funeral service and was forced to be cremated. She told me no one came to his services. Not one family member. She bauled as she told me this. He has four kids from a previous marriage and his ex would not let him see his kids. He lived in CO, the kids in OK.
For a man to commit suicide on Father's day with four kids and another "step" son, he must have been dealing with some major demons within himself. I don't know much about their relationship just pictures I seen on Facebook and a few things she has told me. Her heart is broken..... just like mine. Isn't that what I wanted?!:(

I hate that things just can't work out! Why?! She married, they were going to have him adopted. What the fuck!!! Now we are at square one, she's back on state assistance, needing a man in her sons life!! Why us???? Why me???

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I've only told this to one specific friend on DS and the only other person in my life that know is my husband. I'm ALONE, lost, scared, hurt and so so so sad!!!