More and more, as time passes and things get worse, I find myself wanting to come clean to our families about everything. I have had such a hard time holding on to this secret for my H, and now I feel like what he asked of me was not fair. I am a secret keeper. Always have been. I never repeat what is spoken to me in confidence, aside from two occasions when I got others involved because the secrets involved the safety and well being of someone. My H begged me to not tell about OW and OC, and at first I didn't want to at all. H is the baby of his family. His mother lives in denial that he could ever do wrong. And H's father carried an extramarital affair that resulted in another child as well. One of H's sisters was just cheated on by her husband and moved in with their parents as well. To say anything to them would bring so much destruction and strain. And, of course, I wasn't planning on telling my family because... it's none of their business. H and I have been together for ten years and they all adore him. This OC has no ties to them. So they shouldn't be involved.

But more and more... H has become mentally unstable. He has become so apathetic and even does or says things to purposely get a reaction out of people. He ddoesn't care about our financial situation anymore, spends money we don't have, and now we are officially being evicted out of this house. His family keeps asking what is wrong with him, keeps asking why we don't have the money to do things, keeps asking why we have had to borrow money from them for simple utility bills or gas... and I have made myself look like an irresponsible fool and a bad parent just to keep his secret and cover for him.

Now every time I see them, I just want to open my mouth. I just want to say "Your brother has another child the state garnishes $900 a month for. We tried to get it lowered for a year and the slut keeps running and not showing in court! That's why we can't make ends meet!"

I feel like telling them would open the doors to more help and more support... I used to think H's fear was that his mother would force him into a relationship with the child, regardless of the circumstances of it's conception. But now I feel like H just doesn't want them to know that he has ever screwed up. Nobody wants to be the bad guy or the naive guy... but now I'm the idiot wife who can't handle simple life obligations like bills and food because I have covered for him.

II'm so depressed and down on myself, I have a therapist who comes to the house once a week to talk to me. He told his family she is an anxiety specialist who is helping me because I have Social Anxiety Disorder. In reality, this woman is talking me down off the cliff that H built.

I'm so conflicted. I have a secret to tell... and I should be able to, because it's MY secret and it causes me daily stress that, some days, I just can't get away from... but I can't. Because it's a jointly owned secret, and H wants to go to the grave with it.

Even if I left, it will still be my secret. And it will still affect me every day, because what support payments I got would still be determined by her's as well.