Hi angelus,

This is a tough situation, it is easy for those not in the situation to say that you are supposed to love a child because it is part of your husband, and you love him. The truth is you are only human and you have experience such hurt and betrayal and of course you can't help feeling, that the OC and OW are part of what caused that. I don't know about you but I often think if only there was just an affair and no child.
I can't say for sure but I would say you shouldn't be forced to see the OW, I think that is cruel and unfair. Why can't you use a mediator and meet the OC in a place where the OW can leave her like a play group? That would be my advice.

Good luck and let us know how it goes

Well this is going to be hard especially since your first time meeting her will be with the ow.

Ive been in oc life for 6 years and havre never met ow.

My advice is this, do not expect a bond at all until your can begin to get to know her without ow around. Even then it will be extremely hard.

You might have to imagine her as your husband's distant niece that you are trying to be nice to. That you want her to like you. Its easier to like them when they like you.

The kicker about getting her to like you is that it will kill the ow. I mean, that the more this kid likes you and wants to see you, the harder it is on mom. That might help you prepare to be a little extra spoiling in the beginning .

Bring her a gift that an average 10 year old girl would love like a cool item from justice and a gc to shop their. Mom would have to take her knowing uts from stepmom.

May as well pay hard ball. Ask the kid what she likes, animals? Frozen? One Direction? What's her favorite color. Then you are prepared for the next visit with another little gift.
Ask her whet her favorite food is and immediately offer "next time we'll take you to such and such"

Just dint expect to feel love or a bond. That may never happen. She may always feel like a distant relative that your wouldn't miss. That's ok.

The key here is to get as much benefit from this as you work through the process with your husband.

My final word is about your husband and how extremely important it is that he be 100%committed to making this as easy on you as possible and that it is your back that he has.

Discuss the details of this visit and what you need from him before hand.

Good luck.

Ditto to both of these ladies.

Before pregnant ow left town, we met her at cracker barrel to exchange legal documents and other info. I was nervous af and took a xanex. That wasn't a good idea because I was really chill when she asked if I would sit at another table while she had a private convo. with my H. I agreed to it and have felt like an ass since.

Since then I haven't been cool with ow having anycontact with my H. Apparently, that is a little too rigid for most folks on here but it is what I needed to feel safe. My H, being great, has gone along with it... we haven't met the kid, though.

Don't take a xanex, lol.

Advice for meeting the kid, pinkpony has it right. Bring a gift, ask questions, make her like you. It might not work, though. Her mother and you are fundamentally different people and she has probably heard from her mother that you are psycho and abusive and ... You know it isn't true but a 10 year old girl usually believes everything her mother says. So be prepared for her to probably act a little assholey.

Definately have your H ready to prioritize you and your comfort, you might want to plan some sort of non-verbal signal or key word to alert him to something that isn't going quite right. My H felt really gross about the whole situation at cracker barrel that he didn't even know what to do when she sent me away. It caught him off guard.

Good luck!!!
Please let us know what happens.

Hi everyone, thank you for the advice. I really wish I had a better update, but basically we made plans to meet, hubby, the OW, OC and bonus, my mother in law. OW (and OC) decided not to show. We just sat there my family and mother in law.

I did buy more than one gift, and now I just look at the wrapped presents sitting in my closet counting down the last day I can return to toys r us.

I just wanted to tell my husband I knew this shit would happen, bec. OW once said "she already has a mother in her life and she doesn't need another one." My hubby says it didn't mean anything, but hmmmmm, maybe paired with the no-show it means something. The silver lining is my H said he won't meet them again until they agree to meet with me.

That is a silver lining. As himans, and women, we're quite lucky to get them. Take it and move on.

For what it's worth, I still have the book I bought for the OC when OW was pregnant. I guess I consider it as evidence. If the OC ever comes knocking on my door I can prove that I gave it my best shot.

Oc in my case was born February 2017. My H lied and stayed in contact during the whore's entire pregnancy and even slept with her again. He didn't go to the hospital for her birth at my request and didn't see her for the first month until it just ate at him too much and he went to the whore's house to meet baby because she won't let him have baby around me. We're separated since that day...for a month now and I'm 6 months pregnant with our 4th child. He is back and forth about where his loyalties need to be because he doesn't want to be a deadbeat dad but I will not tolerate him having a separate life with oc and he refuses to take the whore to court for custody.
He's neglecting me and my pregnancy and keeps saying how much he loves and wants oc in his life. At one point I was willing to accept oc but after all the lies and now him allowing ow's drama affect our relationship...I feel like I hate oc. I know that's terrible and I don't want to feel that way, but I just want him to get his shit together and be the man he was supposed to be for our family and figure out the sich with oc after. I hate this whole situation

Sobroken, ugh... I don't think there is anything I can say that would make you feel better.

You're in my thoughts. Please let us know what happens, we like to continue to offer support here.

There are lots of other posts that might give you insight, and please ask questions. This is an amazing place because you will find someone who's gone before you...

Financial advice... go ahead and get a divorce so that your H is legally obligated to pay lots of child support for your 4 and maybe spousal support. That way, when she goes to court to ask for support she gets waaayyy less than if he had no prior support obligations... just something to keep in mind.

^^Just for clarity. I mean divorce as in legal, or at least some legal financial agreement. I think it may be possible to file for legal seperation and get a court ordered child support amount.

I'm not saying that you guys SHOULD get a divorce. I only meant that you should use "the law" to keep costs low.

Sorry for any confusion.

Sobroken, this situation is terrible on its own I cannot even fathom it happening while pregnant. i would definitely look into redsimons advice.