spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
A few days ago, my husband and I received a phonecall that he had an almost two year old illegitimate child.
It's not what most people think when this comes up... It was from an incident back in 2009 that was investigated, let go of and moved on from.
My husband was military police in the Navy at our home base. He was invited to a party because one of his friends was deploying soon. I remember now, thinking back, that I didn't want him to go. But I didn't fuss about it because he never got to go out. There were Marines at this party who, I guess, were looking for trouble... They singled out a few guys, my husband included, drugged drinks and made them play their drinking games- chugging and shots and whatnot. This little slut was there... she'd had sex with the Marines and a couple of other guys there. Apparently they'd put my husband in a room, moving him from wherever it was he'd passed out at, and left this woman alone with him.
Two days later, he returned to work from the weekend to be confronted with people telling him this woman was going around bragging that she'd slept with X, Y, Z... and him. He said he didn't even know the girl, but later on that day he was called in, along with all the others, to investigate the incident. The woman changed her story frequently; first claiming she was not drugged (but then that looked bad on her because my husband was not conscious and she claimed to have slept with him among the others), then claiming she was drugged (explaining her sloppy sexcapades... but that the sex with the marines was consentual, though they were the ones doing the drugging), then finally sticking with the story that she wasn't drugged or even drinking because at the time she was under the legal drinking age and should not have even been there. The Marines, once pulled in, admitted to doing the drugging and were punished. Unfortunately, because it had already been a couple of days, no drug tests could be done. My husband was devastated and scared that I'd leave him. They brought me into this as well, and you can't imagine being told your husband MAY or MAY NOT have been "raped" because he wasn't conscious and the woman kept changing her story. At one point, she even claimed she hadn't touched my husband at all. And with that, we let it go and moved on. There was no way for us to know if a rape had truly occurred because A.) my husband was not conscious for the event and the woman frequently changed her story, B.) two days had passed since the incident and by then all evidence would have been gone. The woman's father was one of the higher-ups at our base and had my husband moved to another base nearby so that they wouldn't see him at the front gate when they drove in and out (of course not, why would you want to see the man your daughter is claiming she may or may not have raped?)
But a couple of days ago, we received that phonecall. That not only had the girl been pregnant and had a baby, but that she decided NOW that she wants child support, and had them run the child's DNA up against all eight of the men (my husband included) in the military database. My husband was the match. The woman and her family have a lawyer, but they claim they do not want to take this to court, just civilly agree on child support payments. It sounded fishy to me, and was pointed out that if it was taken to court, they'd bring up the incident and we'd actually have a shot at fighting this. The problem is... my husband is set to deploy very soon. If any legal proceedings are going on, he becomes non-deployable, which could be a very bad thing for us because we were hoping to use this deployment to rebuild our savings account, which we'd drained.
My husband is traumatized. The last we'd heard of that woman she claimed she may have, may not have and then claimed she hadn't touched him at all. Now there's a phonecall not only telling us he has a child... but confirming to him that he was violated. He's already been labeled an "At Risk Soldier" (meaning a soldier who is at risk of doing harm to himself or to others) because of this and has been sent to counseling since the phonecall. Yesterday I learned that they told him in counseling these situations occur frequently with soldiers- rapes and hazings- and almost nothing can be done. A single soldier here, at the post we're at now was raped by a woman, immediately reported it and the woman even ADMITTED to it. She became pregnant and despite everything he was still forced to pay child support. There is more to the story that I hope does not occur with my husband... Basically, all this counseling and they're making him feel worse and worse. He says he cannot love the child, does not want to see the child at all. We understand that it isn't the child's fault... but we just can't.
I'm struggling with this news... to the point that when my husband confided in his counselor my reaction, they decided to enroll myself in counseling as well.
We already have one child, a five year old boy who was never supposed to happen. Our miracle boy. We have been trying to conceive (both actively and involuntarily) for over four years now for a second child... and it hurts me to realize that while I was giving myself injections, going into the fertility hospital three times per week for ultrasounds and bloodwork and crying over negative pregnancy tests... this woman had stolen this from us and was growing it in her belly. When my son climbed into Santa's lap at our local mall and told him loudly that he wanted a baby sister, people looked at me and laughed and smiled and I was dying inside- this woman had taken this from me. And now, adding insult to injury, she's decided for the child's second birthday that she wants child support. I feel as though I've been slapped and beaten and violated and... on and on.
My husband is currently trying to get copies of the paperwork and statements from the incident that had occurred... and then we'll try to locate the other men as witnesses if we can. But going off of what my husband was told... even proving that this child was conceived as a result of rape (because that woman's final statement claimed she was of absolute sober and sound mind, while my husband wasn't even conscious or aware) does not change the fact that there is a child and that child must be supported. He wants to terminate his parental rights... even if they still make him pay. He asked me if I could live with it and I told him that no matter what, this child is going to be there now. When I look at our son, I'll think of it. When my period comes, when I get a negative pregnancy test... when I get another cyst rupture, I'll think of it. It'll always be there now. Not "it" as in the child but "it" as in the whole situation.
I spent the first couple of days comforting my husband, keeping him sane and wiping away his tears. But right now 80 percent of me feels like I can't do this. The other 20 percent I just feel so numb. Everything looks so different to me right now. I've spent these last six years giving all of myself to my husband and believing that I had all of him- and I don't. It seems so silly, but it's so real and I'm feeling it. I'm noticing myself instinctively distancing from him and I keep trying to remedy that. I keep trying to smile and kiss him but there's just those first few moments with no reaction or pulling away. I feel like I'm punishing him and resenting him even though he didn't really do anything wrong. I'm not sure what to do.
I know that I may not belong here... Our situation is a little bit different. But the fact of the matter is we're trying to cope with the fact that there is an illegitimate child. And this was the only place I could find where women who are in similar situations could talk. I haven't told anyone. I'm too scared to. My family is extremely judgmental and they love my husband so much. I don't want their perceptions of anything to change the way mine have.
Today is my first day with the counselor.
It's not what most people think when this comes up... It was from an incident back in 2009 that was investigated, let go of and moved on from.
My husband was military police in the Navy at our home base. He was invited to a party because one of his friends was deploying soon. I remember now, thinking back, that I didn't want him to go. But I didn't fuss about it because he never got to go out. There were Marines at this party who, I guess, were looking for trouble... They singled out a few guys, my husband included, drugged drinks and made them play their drinking games- chugging and shots and whatnot. This little slut was there... she'd had sex with the Marines and a couple of other guys there. Apparently they'd put my husband in a room, moving him from wherever it was he'd passed out at, and left this woman alone with him.
Two days later, he returned to work from the weekend to be confronted with people telling him this woman was going around bragging that she'd slept with X, Y, Z... and him. He said he didn't even know the girl, but later on that day he was called in, along with all the others, to investigate the incident. The woman changed her story frequently; first claiming she was not drugged (but then that looked bad on her because my husband was not conscious and she claimed to have slept with him among the others), then claiming she was drugged (explaining her sloppy sexcapades... but that the sex with the marines was consentual, though they were the ones doing the drugging), then finally sticking with the story that she wasn't drugged or even drinking because at the time she was under the legal drinking age and should not have even been there. The Marines, once pulled in, admitted to doing the drugging and were punished. Unfortunately, because it had already been a couple of days, no drug tests could be done. My husband was devastated and scared that I'd leave him. They brought me into this as well, and you can't imagine being told your husband MAY or MAY NOT have been "raped" because he wasn't conscious and the woman kept changing her story. At one point, she even claimed she hadn't touched my husband at all. And with that, we let it go and moved on. There was no way for us to know if a rape had truly occurred because A.) my husband was not conscious for the event and the woman frequently changed her story, B.) two days had passed since the incident and by then all evidence would have been gone. The woman's father was one of the higher-ups at our base and had my husband moved to another base nearby so that they wouldn't see him at the front gate when they drove in and out (of course not, why would you want to see the man your daughter is claiming she may or may not have raped?)
But a couple of days ago, we received that phonecall. That not only had the girl been pregnant and had a baby, but that she decided NOW that she wants child support, and had them run the child's DNA up against all eight of the men (my husband included) in the military database. My husband was the match. The woman and her family have a lawyer, but they claim they do not want to take this to court, just civilly agree on child support payments. It sounded fishy to me, and was pointed out that if it was taken to court, they'd bring up the incident and we'd actually have a shot at fighting this. The problem is... my husband is set to deploy very soon. If any legal proceedings are going on, he becomes non-deployable, which could be a very bad thing for us because we were hoping to use this deployment to rebuild our savings account, which we'd drained.
My husband is traumatized. The last we'd heard of that woman she claimed she may have, may not have and then claimed she hadn't touched him at all. Now there's a phonecall not only telling us he has a child... but confirming to him that he was violated. He's already been labeled an "At Risk Soldier" (meaning a soldier who is at risk of doing harm to himself or to others) because of this and has been sent to counseling since the phonecall. Yesterday I learned that they told him in counseling these situations occur frequently with soldiers- rapes and hazings- and almost nothing can be done. A single soldier here, at the post we're at now was raped by a woman, immediately reported it and the woman even ADMITTED to it. She became pregnant and despite everything he was still forced to pay child support. There is more to the story that I hope does not occur with my husband... Basically, all this counseling and they're making him feel worse and worse. He says he cannot love the child, does not want to see the child at all. We understand that it isn't the child's fault... but we just can't.
I'm struggling with this news... to the point that when my husband confided in his counselor my reaction, they decided to enroll myself in counseling as well.
We already have one child, a five year old boy who was never supposed to happen. Our miracle boy. We have been trying to conceive (both actively and involuntarily) for over four years now for a second child... and it hurts me to realize that while I was giving myself injections, going into the fertility hospital three times per week for ultrasounds and bloodwork and crying over negative pregnancy tests... this woman had stolen this from us and was growing it in her belly. When my son climbed into Santa's lap at our local mall and told him loudly that he wanted a baby sister, people looked at me and laughed and smiled and I was dying inside- this woman had taken this from me. And now, adding insult to injury, she's decided for the child's second birthday that she wants child support. I feel as though I've been slapped and beaten and violated and... on and on.
My husband is currently trying to get copies of the paperwork and statements from the incident that had occurred... and then we'll try to locate the other men as witnesses if we can. But going off of what my husband was told... even proving that this child was conceived as a result of rape (because that woman's final statement claimed she was of absolute sober and sound mind, while my husband wasn't even conscious or aware) does not change the fact that there is a child and that child must be supported. He wants to terminate his parental rights... even if they still make him pay. He asked me if I could live with it and I told him that no matter what, this child is going to be there now. When I look at our son, I'll think of it. When my period comes, when I get a negative pregnancy test... when I get another cyst rupture, I'll think of it. It'll always be there now. Not "it" as in the child but "it" as in the whole situation.
I spent the first couple of days comforting my husband, keeping him sane and wiping away his tears. But right now 80 percent of me feels like I can't do this. The other 20 percent I just feel so numb. Everything looks so different to me right now. I've spent these last six years giving all of myself to my husband and believing that I had all of him- and I don't. It seems so silly, but it's so real and I'm feeling it. I'm noticing myself instinctively distancing from him and I keep trying to remedy that. I keep trying to smile and kiss him but there's just those first few moments with no reaction or pulling away. I feel like I'm punishing him and resenting him even though he didn't really do anything wrong. I'm not sure what to do.
I know that I may not belong here... Our situation is a little bit different. But the fact of the matter is we're trying to cope with the fact that there is an illegitimate child. And this was the only place I could find where women who are in similar situations could talk. I haven't told anyone. I'm too scared to. My family is extremely judgmental and they love my husband so much. I don't want their perceptions of anything to change the way mine have.
Today is my first day with the counselor.
You need a lawyer. You should not pay any money to the woman until you are legally obligated to do so. It sounds like she's trying to blackmail you. If you start paying her, then you're setting precedent for paying for the child without knowing whether it is yours. I have been following this topic in the news for several years -- in almost all cases, if the man was paying child support then he set his own legal precedent to support the child EVEN when the child turns out NOT to be his. THAT means if he agrees to pay anything now without a legal agreement, he is basically agreeing to a contract to support the child. That is how the law sees it.
I understand your worries about money and your H's career but if you don't handle it legally, you may end being stuck long term with a situation you don't want. A lawyer also may be able to work out an agreement without going to court. A lawyer can make sure the DNA testing is done in a fair and impartial way and work to protecting you and your H. Sometimes a sacrifice now is better than a disaster later.
You are doing the right things for yourself emotionally. Counseling is the right thing. This is a terrible situation and your feelings are normal. It takes a long time to get through this emotionally. Everyone has their own time clock. Don't beat yourself up about circumstances you can't control. Be kind to yourself.
One thing I keep thinking about this week is that at least I am not in the national spotlight like Maria Shriver is. Try to find the positive things if you can. I'm so so sorry for your pain.
One of his higher ups contacted him to tell him the results of the paternity test. They ran it through the military database. When you join the military and they take all of your blood samples and all that fun, one of the contracts you sign allows them to use it for whatever. Like he's giving permission beforehand. This includes paternity testing, as well as testing his DNA if he is suspected in any other things like murder or whathaveyou. They aren't kidding when they say you sign your life away.
She and her family are the ones who want to keep it out of court, and already have a lawyer for themselves... I already told him it'd be best to have another paternity test done that we are involved with.
This woman came out of the woodwork on the eve of my husband's deployment, which it turns out was why they wanted to handle it outside of court so that it would not prevent him from deploying and thus preventing her from getting more money.
We agreed to $600 a month. She received this for four months and then, a MONTH after my husband deployed, I received papers in our home saying my husband's paycheck was being garnished for $1250 a month. HALF of our monthly paycheck. When my husband contacted the state from Iraq, they told him the woman had claimed she hadn't received anything from us. So we had to go through the bank accounts and provide all the proof that she had, in fact, received the money. NOTHING HAPPENED TO HER. And they continued to pull the money since she claimed to the state that he'd never paid a dime, despite proof that she had lied about receiving funds.
The deployment was hard. Everything coming out of the woodwork before he left made it to where I could barely look at him before he left. And we hardly spoke while he was gone. Not because he didn't try, but because it hurt too much for me to respond.
After he came home, we tried to make our marriage work. As soon as the incident had come to light before deployment, my husband ended up being flagged for mental instability and was made to see a regular therapist (this is because of how the one night stand came about. He spent this whole time believing nothing had truly happened based on this woman changing her story and telling us she hadn't touched him- the only married man in the bunch- at all. So to suddenly find out that it DID occur... without conscious consent... and that a child resulted from it and now the woman is tearing your life apart- he went into his own breakdown.) and they still deployed him, despite all of this.
We also discovered that the state had garnished our federal and state tax returns, because they claimed it showed in their system STILL that we had never paid a dime again! So we had to go through the tedious task of sending them everything to show we had. It took six months to get our federal return back... and we still have not received our state return. We also learned that the state was VERY SERIOUSLY overcharging my husband in child support. Now that we've filed against it, it turns out they owe US a good chunk of money back. We also learned that since the child will now be turning Pre-School age, my husband can file to have the support lowered even more. (Our home state requires a minimum of $500 be paid for all children under 3 for daycare costs- whether the mother utilizes a daycare or not. So once the child is pre-school aged, you no longer have to pay for daycare that may or may not be used.)
As far as my husband and I... We were slowly building ourselves back up to a better place, and then it happened. I found out I was pregnant after we'd tried over 5 years for a baby (until everything fell apart). At first I was thrilled and crying and so happy.
But as the months have gone on, all I can think about is how are we going to survive? Our home state told us they do not consider the fact that the man may have his own family. They were even rude enough to say "Your child could be dying with cancer, it won't affect the amount we take from him." They also suggested that, instead of trying to save our marriage, I also leave my husband and seek child support, because "That's the only way it's going to work for me". I've become incredibly bitter and depressed about our baby. I keep wondering why the hell God did this. What? Did he feel bad about tearing up my marriage, so he gave me a consolation prize? And then I feel sad and guilty because it's not our baby's fault.
I just wish we could get back to before- when we THOUGHT we had problems (financially and with life), but really didn't. We really, really didn't compared to now.
As I am trying to heal myself from my husband's affair, I am also dealing with the bruised ego of a man who was tricked into conceiving a baby and now has the guilt of a fatherless child 6 hours away living with the single OC, plus the guilt that his earnings are going to support that child he didn't ask for. Even though his sex was consensual, the conception was not...she claimed she was protected. So sometimes I think of her as a "sperm stealer" just like the mother of your husband's child was. It's funny how as we women grow up, we always think of men as the rapists and causes of unwanted pregnancies, but actually men have very few rights when it comes to women conceiving on their own and refusing to terminate. In my husband's case, the OC said from the beginning "I won't terminate, I love this baby, I wanted a baby" so I know she planned it. Now we will be paying for 18 years for his being sucked into that.
Anyway, you finished your post by saying "I THOUGHT we had problems but we really, really didn't compared to now." I don't know the particulars of your financial situation, but whenever I start to think like that, I think of the blessings in my life that probably 75% of the world does not have...a healthy child, my own health, clean drinking water, ample food to not starve (even if I can't afford the best), the freedom to practice any religion and speak out any time with free speech. I don't know why God has given us the challenge of the illegitimate child in our lives, but he did not give us life in a concentration camp, or a war-torn country in Africa where our sons would be recruited as child soldiers, or a life with a chronic debilitating disease. No one asks for their pain...it comes to all, uninvited. It is our challenge to find meaning in the pain.
I hope I have helped you even a little bit.
Because we are military, if we file for separation, we lose our housing (which means my husband would be assigned to the barracks and my son and I would have to find our own place to live and have to use whatever money they assign to us for our own housing) and I have restrictions placed on MY health care coverage through the military. It'd put more of a strain on our marriage than there already is. We'd rather just be together and not make it any more difficult than it already is.
In our home state, though, they work off of a credit system. It's not first-person-gets-most there. This woman is in school with a part time job and one child. I have no job and two children (well... the second child will be here in a few months), so they would readjust to actually give me a higher amount than her based on our finances (versus my husband's) and the amount of children.