So true. The key is to decide what's worth ending the marriage over and what's not. It sounds like you've made that decision.

There are things that will likely never change with my H and with me. What is good and what has changed far out ways what hasn't. I wish you peace and happiness in your new life.

thank you for sharing. I also just read your story. The constant worry and obsession is the hardest part of all this. Its been over three years now and I have gotten better but then it always comes back. Its like a I am wondering if its because I am not dealing with it? I have been going strong for a while now but the last few weeks or even a month I find my self crying and crashing again. Drinking a lot and I hate myself each morning for it

Do you think its easier to leave since your children sound grown? Thinking grown children can handle it a little better? I mean no body can -but the devastation to a young child trying to comprehend this just tears me up.I know when my son is a man he will be devastated but I feel like it will be an adult conversation. What this does to kids on both sides is just devastating to me. How are your kids handling it all?

Dear Pink and Mommy,
Thank you for your kind responses. I too have suffered with alcohol as a numbing method to deal with reality and though it sounds crazy, I have resorted to that because of the hate, humiliation, betrayal, anger, depression, shock, etc --you add to the list--only way I could have possibly coped. As you stated mommyjack, that constant worry, obsession, psychotic limbo you are describing is what I had to escape from. I didn't have time to be "crazy" and see counselors when my kids were in Jr and High school. I refused to give up their dad and give the OW the satisfaction of my kids seeing us go through divorce. Yes, my oldest is 23 married and youngest is 19. Both children have had to grow up fast because of this and are well-weathered at this point for us to be divorced and actually support me now that they are old enough to "cope". In fact they both gave me their blessing and encouragement to move on. I have discussed with my youngest that no one has died, we just cannot stay together because of all the drama and he completely understands and basically just want peace. Every family is different, so you have to custom fit what feels right. My divorce is non-contested and final November 4. Please pray for me! Thank you Pink for your kind words--means so much to me. We seem to both be very opinionated and like that about you. Would rather have a friend that speaks their mind than bottle it up.

I love all of you on this sight as I feel like we have an eternal kinship. I would like to close with two favorite quotes of mine from Facebook:

"Sometimes we are forced to swallow bad medicine our great doctor (God) didn't prescribe. I forgive those that have hurt me and my children. However, my God's punishment and judgment on you is out of my control and He is the great equalizer. May His forgiveness be with you.'--Dorothy Dempsey

Feelings on my divorce papers:

2 Corinthians 3:17
17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Thank you Jesus for allowing me the gift of freedom today. I am not ashamed to say I love you.

Love you all. Be good to yourselves and seek peace.

It sounds like you have found the right path for you. Congratulations. I made the same decision to break the relationship (maybe you read some of my older posts in the discussions...). I hope the best for you. You said one thing that rings so true. On here are people whom I feel eternally close to because we weathered these life events together on here. I don't check back in that often anymore but I do think of you all from time to time. I've just gotten to a place, where I actually now go days and weeks without even thinking of it.

Yes. You are right. I feel empowered by finally making the decision. I have never been physically alone a day in my life, but I am learning through all of this that I have been emotionally and romantically alone for quite some time. Your comments as well as some of the other veterans in here helped me more than you will ever understand. Misery loves company as they say and I had no idea there were so many women in the same rocky boat. So I thank you for that!!!! You helped me without knowing. Take care dear and I'm glad your bad experience has faded from your thoughts! May God bless you!

How are you doing now, dmdempse1? I guess your divorce will be final on Monday. I am thinking about you because it's been a really rough few weeks for me these last few weeks. I brought up a divorce with my H this morning after a terrible night of sleeplessness and bad dreams, and he really doesn't want a divorce. But he also doesn't want to work on the marriage, work on changing himself, work on his guilt and shame over the affair and the OC. He actually said in marriage counseling this week that he "resents me a little for making him choose." That really hurt!! I am not making him choose me or the OC, just me or the OW! But he wants a relationship with the OC without me in the picture (free to go there--out of state six plus hours away--and stay with the OW or whatever it takes to get access!).

I am trying to make him push for some visitation rights so our family can assimilate the OC in some way. I think that is the only way he will stop resenting me and move past some of this shame and guilt. But he says no way. He says that he doesn't deserve to demand any visitation rights. He feels sorry for what he did to the OW (knocking her up and leaving her--although he does pay a huge child support check every month, he says she is the one in the trenches with a baby as a single parent, not him, the last thing she needs is demands placed on her by him and his wife).

Anyway, I am just looking for any reason to stay in this marriage, or any reason to feel better about contacting a lawyer and getting the ball rolling on divorce. 20 plus years married. All I ever wanted. It's so tragic (for me and for all of us).

Hijacking sorry

Grace, No maybe he doesn't deserve any demands from anybody but dammit that child sure as hell deserves a father who cares enough to put his shit aside and demand that he be a healthy and active part of his life. Your H is walking around with blinders making decisions with warped reasons. It sounds like some how he thinks he is being selfless but in reality he is being selfish.

One day when that child grows up and asks why daddy didn't fight, what will he tell him? How will he justify it? If he uses his excuse of "woe is me I don't deserve to make demands" , it will be understood as a selfish decision. He is choosing not to battle for selfish reasons and not really putting his child first.

He is putting ow and himself first and so is the kids mother. This poor child was created because of selfish behavior and now he will grow up feeling unwanted by his father because neither of his parents learned to not be selfish. So sad and I'm sorry but your H created the situation and he has nobody at all to blame for the current state of this father son non relationship but himself. Is not the ow or you. He has rights and avenues he can explore to change this and he isn't doing any of it.

He can get the ow to put I writing that she wants him to have a relationship with child and what her "rules" would be. Then take that to court to prove she is agreeing to have oc in his life. Then it's time to fight and get some rights reinstated.

You my dear are the only sound minded one on this scinerio. Too bad your H can't flipping see it. I bet most of the H of the women here would be ever grateful if their wives were offering an opportunity to have their child in their lives to some capacity. It's not often that a wife can overcome the pain of this situation to offer such a ratio ship with oc and your H is making you out to be the perpetrator.

Good luck and maybe he should read some of these pages and understand how friggin lucky he is that he can keep his wife and have the oc. Arrrggggg

Pink

Pink, you are right...my H is selfish. He dreads the day his child confronts him about why he wasn't there, but he dreads more the wrath of the OW. He just wants to bury that part of his life. He actually told me "I know what is the right thing to do, the moral thing, but I can't do it." I guess that character flaw in him is why he got into the affair in the first place. He is weak and short-sighted and self-centered.

For me, that leaves me with a weak H who I can choose to stay with, to help in any way I can, or to leave and let him be alone and weak..and deprive our child of a father if I choose to leave.

Dearest Grace, your reply to Pink is more realistic and sane. The pain is gut-wrenching. Actually my divorce is final today. Don't try to make him love you or change. You know my thoughts on making others change. Not the OC's fault, but we as a group need to join hands and send a message to these OW out there disrespecting us and creating unbearable drama. The pain we feel is on the same level as the M.A.D.D. groups. Im sorry I feel like this OW has created a death in my family.
Love Demp