spouses and illegitimate children Community Group

Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.

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McMadre 07/18/2014

Really needing some advise here. My husband and I have been married for 5 years (together on and off for 13 yrs) and have an 8 yr old son together. Recently he was served with Paternity papers reguarding not 1 but 2 boys. Before our son was born he would go back and forth between myself and another girl in our town. SAD, I know! Come to find out, she had 2 boys ages 10 and 7 and both are my husbands. Now..with that being said. My husband knew that the first child was possibly his. He even purchased a DNA kit online but the mother would never allow the child to take the test. He was not present during either birth and has only seen these children a handful of times. During her 1st pregnancy they were together until she reached about 7 mths. After a huge fight one day, she told him that the child did not belong to him and for him to get out of their lives. From this day forward they never had a "relationship", only slept together a few times. Now she wants child support but does not want him involved in the childrens lives. We have went to court and won joint custody but I am having MUCH difficulity dealing with this. I can't stand him to talk to her AT ALL. They have been ordered to couseling TOGETHER and for the next 2 mths, he has Sunday visits with the boys supervised by HER. In the court papers it states I am not allowed to attend these visits. I feel the court is repairing one family by destroying ours.

I have no ill will towards the boys. In fact, I'm excited to meet them and welcome them into our family. Her on the other hand, I can't stand the sound of her name. This women was a booty call for my husband (then boyfriend) every time we had a brokeup. She literally almost tore my family apart...now she's back again. I don't know if I can handle this...Any thoughts??

lilhurt420 07/18/2014

Glad to see you made your way here :)

I would sit with your husband and explain your fears. I would also tell your husband that the visits on Sundays must be done at a public place and not in her home. Is he willing to do things fully transparent? Like showing you all communications with her? or setting up an email where you have the password too and she can only respond to him through that so you can see it all?

As you'll see from many of our cases the courts are very unfair a lot of the time...it really sucks. They seem to never care about our families and only care about making the OW happy.

I wish you luck. We have no contact with OW/OC (who my husband also went and fucked for 8 years anytime we were arguing). OW had to get multiple DNA tests done to figure out who the father was and my husband happened to be the last guy tested and of course it was him. He does pay child support, but there is no way this woman can be in our lives without it causing too much drama. He cut her off before I even knew about the OC. I only found out after OC was born and she contacted him saying she had done the other DNA tests and OC wasn't the other guys. Our hope is that one day OW will get married and her future husband can adopt OC so she will have a proper father in her life instead of one that can't be there for her fully because of the situation.

There's never a fair/right way to go about these situations, so we all tend to do what is best for our families.

Good luck!

McMadre 07/18/2014

Thanks for directing me to this site. And I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I really thought I was the only one on the world with this issue. I don't wish this upon anyone.
We discussed the option of paying child support w/o seeing the boys but I wasn't able to live with that. I truly thought I would be okay with them learning to co-parent. I was definitely fooling myself. I think it would be ok if I were allowed at the visitations but as far as every communication between them, I do see that. I have passwords to everything he has/owns. Who who wants to live like this?? I really don't know if I do.

Good luck and thanks again for recommending this site :)

lilhurt420 07/18/2014

No problem! it really sucks going through this situation and if you haven't been through it there's no way you can understand. I see the ladies on babycenter are ripping your post apart. I hate reading the comments because I know exactly what you mean and what you're going through.

The ladies on this board are great and non judge mental in everything.

I agree though...it sucks to live like this. Even with us having no contact, there's still the constant worry about when she's going to try to get more money or pop up just to cause problems. Child support is often not figured out fairly in situations like this. In many states they don't even take our children in the marriage into account.

I hope everything works out for you guys!

tornforgood 07/19/2014

Mcmadre, this type of situation is heart wrenching all around. What makes it d en more dramatic is when a blind court system starts robbing your family to support Joe Blow... Because of this I decided to divorce my H officially shortly after oc existed because even though he assured me OW would not claim CS and still has not 5 yrs later... I was NOT going to have a penny of my paycheck go to this woman. Presently they just have a verbal agreement where he pays her directly $300 no more no less. She is very amicable when it comes to the money issue. They also have gone back and forth to screwing around during our marriage (2x that I know) and my H says she doesn't claim cs from her other baby daddy either. Awwww what a sweet bitch. Anyway, i divorced for the day she feels scorned and starts the official proceedings my income will not matter. As you will see lots of women on this forum have done that or officially separated and started their own cs even while being w their partner to be the first to claim $$. Its the only one thing we can control. So sad:((

McMadre 07/21/2014

That's a great idea really! We have gone through child custody court but will not have CS set until later on the month due to some missing documents with her.
Such a shame that we have to go through this. It's definitely more common than I realized. Since my H and I are not having anymore children, I am insisting he have a vasectomy so no matter what happenes. NO more children will be popping up. Is that totally unreasonable of me?
IDK..my mind is just rambling. Thanks for the feedback!
SO sorry you are going through this. Its like constant sadness! *hugs*

tornforgood 07/21/2014

The Vas is not unreasonable at all. I had my last babies and got tubes tied and even after that I told him i needed him to have that for my own sanity and for his own good. I reminded him he had 4 children (3 w. Me) and if he got served w CS at any point he would have to sell his organs (lol). I also told him that if he was planning to have more children that they would obviously not be mine so w. That I knocked some sense into him. I also told him that in men it was very reversible if he ever found anyone else that was worth a $5000 reversal (i omitted the price lol bec I wont be caring much in that case). If you give him the info he might be willing to go for it. Good luck!

lilhurt420 07/22/2014

We've had the whole vasectomy talk also, at first I was all for it. Now that we're pregnant with our last and it's a very real thing I'm almost nervous for him to get one. Although I see the change in my husband, with what's happened in the past you can just never know. I feel like the idea of sleeping with someone else with the possibility to get them pregnant after having OC is a big thing that keeps my husband from sleeping around. If you take the possibility of creating more kids out of it, I don't want him to feel one day when we're fighting or something that if he sleeps with someone else I will never find out since there's no way he can have a kid out of it (he denied OW for years saying they "laugh at me cause I think something is going on when it's not"...until OC popped up and OW had to get him tested after the other men came back 0%)

I feel like this situation has messed up my head in ways though, so I'm probably not thinking straight lol

pinkpony66 07/23/2014

I have an open journal from 3 years ago that explains my story. How is it he won joint custody but you can't be present during these visits? I can understand the first few visits having her present since these children are going to have to adjust to the situation.

I like what was said about choosing a public place. Do you havea friend who could visit this same public place conveniently at the same time?

I completely understand not wanting him to have communication with her. It sux but if you and your husband have developed and open honest marriage, you should have little to worry about.

If there has been lots of rug sweeping then I highly recommend finding a good marriage counselor to guide you during this transition time.

deleted_user 07/23/2014

I am SO grateful I found this website!! I have been dealing with this for the last 8 years! I have felt so alone! Thank you for sharing!

McMadre 07/23/2014

The CO states we must obtain custody in phases as to not overload the boys. My H and our son both go to these supervised visits and they are always in a public place. I do not think anything will happen at these visits but I don't get why they must be supervised by her. She has accused my H of abuse that I can assure you NEVER happened. Seems like they would order someone close to the boys other than her to sit in.
We have developed a wonderful marriage but.. maybe that was only b/c she stayed away for so long. Now she's back and I just don't know what she really wants. She does not want us to see them and I know she doesn't need the money...Now I am not saying the boys are not entitled to CS, they definitely are. But waiting 10 to do this is very tramatic for all the kids involved.

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