spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
Hi. I just found out my H had an affair with a woman and now she is pregnant. Her due date is next January.
He really regrets it and wants to move on. I accepted this and am willing to work things out as we have a 7 month old.
The OC will be born most likely close to my son's birthday.
I've made it clear that I want to have nothing to do with the OC and my child won't even know of it ( until he is an adult at least).
I hate the OW so much.
I know the Oc is innocent but I can't accept her at all. I don't mind H to provide financial support. I just can't accept that my child has to share his father with some one else!
Is it reasonable if i ask H to completely stop contact with the OW and any issues in regards to the OC is via a mediator.
H side of family knows about this and I'm worried as they might want the OC to be involved in their lives. I'm against this as my son is very close to H side of family (grandparents, aunts and uncles). I don't want my child to know of the OC. I'm very firm about this decision.
Deep down I feel horrible that I can't accept the OC because I know she is innocent. But the OC is a reminder that this affair happened and I really hate anything coming from the OW.
Help. Can my marriage even be saved after this. My H loves me and my child despite what happened. I love him very much too!
2. Yes, your marriage can be saved as long as the 2 of you agree to save it together and that he has to totally respect your feelings more than his own. He betrayed your trust so he has to bend over backwards to earn it back. He can talk about it and express his feelings but if you are uncomfortable with ANY choice, it will make the process sooo much harder. YOU MUST NOT PLAY THE VICTIM. You cant bring your hurt and pain into everything in your life. He is obviously severely broken and needs support to put it all back together. Don't be a victim, be his hero. If you do that, you'll find purpose and pride that will help you heal, allowing him to heal too.
3. Many, if not all, online advice about this situation says that there should be no contact between your H and the OW! NO. CONTACT.
Yes, a mediator is a good idea. In our case, the OW thought having a mediator was childish and she had absolutley no respect for anyone but herself. She refused to have a mediator so she cut off all contact, completely. She moved 10 hours away and we haven't so much as talked to the kid on the phone. I think shes 3.5 now. I don't care. My husband doesn't really care. She is being provided for financially (ALWAYS GO THROUGH THE STATE TO GET A PATERNITY TEST AND HAVE THEM DECIDE AMOUNT, ETC) really, do all the financial stuff through the system. OW are typucally crazy and will do whatever they want without regard to who they hurt in the process.
4. Move on. Make plans with your H and work toward being happy, don't wait for it. Go to therapy, find people who support you, and pump yourselves up for a big win.
5 while your child is so young you need to get all the ground work laid for what you expect from them. If they know, they must respect your wishes. Your marriage and family is number 1, they can play by their own rules but you don't have to show up. If they bring that kid in, it is ok for you to walk your kid out! You are the wife and mom, that's your turf now, not theirs.
6. Desensitize yourself. No, a father doesn't have some spuritual RIGHT to know their kid. That is sappy melodrama planted on.women by the damn soap operas. Infants don't need a male figure in their life... for what? Men have been having affairs and illigitimate children since the damn dawn of time. It wasn't until recently that the average woman could just up and leave him for it. Our grandmothers dealt with that crap because they didn't have a choice. Your power is your choice. If you choose to stay you need fo get in the game. Whether it is biologically ingrained that men think they need more than 1 woman I don't know. We seem to have done a descent job at convincing them of that recently though. I hope we are evolving as humans. Until then you must acknowledge that men have been raised with the idea that their body is their super power and that they can do no wrong with it....
But really, if your H is a good guy with good character then something has gone wrong somewhere in his mind and spirit. You promised to love him through sickness and health and I'll say this qualifies as sickness. You need to love him and help him if you want to really get a great marriage (mine is better now than it was before)
Good luck, be strong, and keep us up to date.
Honestly I'm so glad I have so far managed it very well.
I suspect the OW has Borderline Personality Disorder.
I recently got to know the OW visits my MIL 3 times a week to get emotional support as my H has completely cut off from her. Eeksss. So annoying my MIL.
You are riget this is my turf. If the child walks in I walk out.
I will keep everyone updated.