Catch 22 !! What you are going through is perfectly normal. You. Need to talk about it to heal and he prob has not much else to say. You need someone to acknowledge your feelings and anger and prob a therapist or a good bestie would do. I did about 3 therapists and only the third panned out bec she listened and helped me express my frustration w/o dogging H. A bestie on the other hand might become partial and go too much in your favor and ignite the fire. Its tough I know. I personally think you should enjoy the fact that H wants NC. This is truly difficult for some ppl not just men in general. Is he curious about oc? Does he show any remorse yet (bec eventuAlly he will). NC is tricky but nice. My H could not do that, he basically saw the kid pop out of her w/o being sure if it was his (he knew it was). So its sad all around and Im rambling but basically i would advice you to enjoy NC til it lasts and stop thinking about the kid he doesn't want. Omg bec if he was in touch or bringing oc over it would be the hardest thing to endure. Just think of hating a child??? (Sounds like a cardinal sin right?? Well we wives all did at one point I dare to say. Im currently working on it before he gets older and hates my guts. Bec i will b around baby and Im sure you wanna stay with your H too. At least for now. Hugs!!

Yep. When I bring it up, H shuts down and doesn't want to hear anything. I have to remind myself that H doesn't want to hear anything because it was a traumatic thing for him... but it was (and still is) traumatic for me, too. I get angry at him and hate him because I'm having to bust my ass so our children don't suffer, and every time I bring it up, he gets incredibly depressed and shuts down. I wish I could talk to him about it and I can't, because to do so makes him relive it. I have to slap myself and say "What you're doing is basically telling a victim of rape that the situation is his fault", but then I get SO angry about the situation, I rationalize "Well, I didn't want him going to that party anyway, and he guilt-tripped me about it. I told him not to drink and he did. He made stupid choices and they landed him in a terrible situation." On and on and on.

I need my own therapist. I'd really like one that this point. =( So I can talk to someone about it and heal, but also so I can stop hurting him.

I've been fortunate in that my H is open to discussing oc and negative feelings. Although I rarely have them anymore he had always allowed me to express and been supportive.

I'm sorry your h isn't. Maybe during a time when these emotions are not all over the place your can tell him his much you need his support.

thanks everyone for replying! it helps to know i'm not the only one going through these emotions

torn- I've been thinking lately I really need to get a therapist. I tried one last year, but she wasn't much help and didn't seem to really understand any of the situation to be able to give me advice so I gave up with that. Maybe it's time to look for a new one. H shows no interest in OC. When I told him I was down with OC's upcoming bday his words were "personally I forgot" and then went on to talk about something else. I often wonder if one day he'll have remorse for OC, but I don't think he will. My husband had a really tough up bringing where both his parents failed him (and continue to fail him) so his emotions are complicated and he looks at things differently than alot of people. I think he will only feel remorse on the day OC comes looking for him, but will feel relief when he's finally able to tell what really happened. Then the decision will be on OC to have a relationship when she's old enough without her mom or not and that will take the pressure off his plate. I actually wish that day would hurry up so we can get past this. But you're right...I should enjoy NC. I really do enjoy it. I guess the only part I hate is I want to see OW hurt for her actions and with NC we don't get to see that side. I hope everyday she's suffering though.

Barefoot- I've read your story, I know it's different than most since your H was date raped. That has to make it harder for both him and you. I am thinking of getting a therapist now too. I think it will help to get these feelings out so we can work though them without venting to our H's to make them relive the nightmares they've been put through.

Pinky- you're so lucky to have your husbands support! I think once OC's bday is over and the summer comes and we get to go out and do more things I'll feel better. My H has been great with everything expect this situation. We have some really big life changing things going on now that will be really great for our family so hopefully this will also help push me out of these thoughts.

Ok, understood. I personally want to see OW hurt emotionally if not burning as well emotionally of course. Not evil enough to wish harm. But just think.... They are most hurt when her and her kid are rejected. You would flip twice as bad if she had access to him and called for every little stupid shit that comes to the kids mind. It does take time to find the right therapist.... In our case usually one that is pro-marriAge/christian is best bec they are really good with the whole forgiving thing and keeping your family. Either way focus on your future you will do great.

We have the oc every Saturday. I know ow must feel her own pain when oc enjoys his time here. I don't even take much joy in that anymore. Once in a while when I knew she's manipulating things to keep oc from spending time with me, I get a touch of glee that it's because she is jealous.

I expect we will have C after OC is born, assuming it is SO's. OW has stopped updating SO with pregnancy details and told him she will raise the baby alone claiming she is taking this stand because I am harrassing her and her disabled teen child. She has been telling SO for months that I call them and stalk them and had told him I threaten her child. None of that is true. I don't know if she is lying to manipulate or if she is delusional and believes it. SO doesn't believe her but his mother, who has been buddy-buddy with OW since before I got back in the picture, seems to. I find it so odd that I was married to her son for nearly 20 years and she believes such horrible lies, but I cannot control that. I hope OW makes good on her threats and goes to police and they file charges against her for false complaints or something Anyway, before I started rambling I wanted to point out that I limit my complaints about OW to my SO. He's already embarrassed about causing this situation and he cannot do anything to change it. He wants C and since it's already out in the open and my kids know they may have another sibling, I do too. I laugh to myself thinking her stupid plan to break up our family as it is reuniting blew up in her face. If we get joint custody half and half her kid will know me as its mom as much as her. It's hurtful that my SO slept with her, but that part is done and now I need to spin the situation so my family stays strong.