I haven't really felt guilty yet. I rationalize it all by thinking that it was OW's choice to have this child. She was the only one with a choice once the deed was done. She could have choose not to have the child, but she choose to have it. My DH told her from the 1st day she told him, before I even knew (even though it wasn't until she was 5 months along) that he wanted nothing to do with it and wish she had an abortion. I feel if women are able to get abortions when an unwanted pregnancy occurs (whether you believe in that is on you or not, but it's still a choice) then men should also have an out from unwanted pregnancies. OW knew from day 1 she'd be choosing to have a child with no other parent. She knew all about me (we went to college together) and knew that once everything was found out there was no way my DH could talk to her again. This is a choice she made for her child.

They weren't thinking about our children when they decided it was a good idea to let themselves get pregnant. (As a women I know that it is my responsibility to protect myself from getting pregnant if I don't want to be. I've been with DH for 10 years and have only gotten pregnant when we both wanted to. It's really not hard to protect yourself especially if you're sleeping around and not in a committed relationship). Our kids never once ran through their heads when they were off sleeping with our DH's. So why should we care about their kids? They weren't thinking about the nights our DH spent away from our kids and were with them, they didn't think of the money out of our kids mouths when they ask for child support, they don't care about our kids...so why should we care about theirs?

I feel proud that my DH is such a great dad to our son and will be to our son on the way. I feel proud that he choose keeping our family together over wanting to help OW parent her child. He knows one day he will have to explain to OC, but he is prepared to explain to her why he couldn't be in her life. We truly believe it's better to stay out of OC's life, then to be in her life just for the sake of being in it and there be constant drama between me and DH, DH and OW, me and OW and consequently all of our kids would lose out.

It may be harder since your OC is a boy. I know that if OC was a boy, my DH may have a harder time with no contact as OC got older. I just know how he interacts with boys. But at the end of the day it's also easier for a lot of men to cut themselves out of the picture when it comes to situations like this. They don't carry the kids like we do. They form bonds once the kids are born and they spend time. We form bonds from the day we find out we're pregnant.

Just my 2 cents.

Lilhurt,
Thank you so much for that. Our story is quite similar. He begged and begged her for an abortion. They were only together once during our marriage. She told him all she wanted was her CS check and he didn't have to be involved. Then, a few years later, she would call and ask him to come and see the OC and that he should just tell me so that he could be in his life. He refused and kept this a secret for 10 years. He saw him maybe two or three times a year, just to keep peace with her. He would go to her house and blow the horn for her to send him outside because he didn't want to set foot in her house (how sad is that). We don't live in the same city, but in the same state. She actually called me on my job and told me about the OC. SHe said that since he was getting older, she wanted him to have a relationship with his dad and wanted to know if I was ok with that. Yes, she asked that on our first phone conversation after telling me my husband had a 10 year old son.

I don't want my husband labeled as a deadbeat. He is a really good father. He feels bad for the OC and we both pray for him everynight. He says he just can not be in his life. He says his focus is on repairing his marriage. I admire him for that, but it pains me that people will judge him for doing so. The BM's second baby daddy e-mailed me and actually said my husband was a coward for turning his back on his child for a bitch. Yeah, that's the respect I get.

Your comments really help me put things into perspective. No, she didn't care about my kids or our financial situtation (which is hard). I totally get what you mean by the bond. And in so many ways, that's what my husband has been trying to tell me. Thank you.

Just don't. We have contact unfortunately and I feel 0000 remorse if and when H is not around him. I know its different w. No contact but if your H looked like hes being eaten alive by guilt then by all means under your terms... Let him have at it. Otherwise if hes fine, dont even think about it. YOU DO NOT NEED THAT GUILT IN YOUR LIFE. sorry shouty caps here to make u feel better. This is not your burden. It does become yours and tripled if there was C. Enjoy your fam. But I do advise if he starts w the guilt and what ifs... Hes prob testing you so I would look into discussing it.

If OC is ours then I plan to push for as much custody as possible, but NOT because of guilt. I would not feel a BIT guilty if H wanted NC. I agree with Lil. OW didn't give a shit about the kids that were already here when she screwed an unavailable man. I simply want to try to normalize a very un-normal situation created by the whore. I would be fine with NC if that's what H wanted and if this whole ugly mess had been kept secret, but the bitch has been broadcasting it ever since she peed on the stick so everyone knows everything. I don't know what OW was thinking in broadcasting to the world. It just makes her look more like a whore and puts each kid involved, including OC and her other child, in an awkward position. She has basically broadcast to the world that she tried to be a home-wrecking whore and ended up just being a whore who stomped on the lives and security of a bunch of kids.

Hurt...I understand what you mean by not wanting your H to be labeled as a dead beat. My H has this concern also. Luckily, other than family and a few old college friends that we barely see anymore, no one knows about OC. We plan to keep it a secret as long as it's possible. My H is such a good dad to our son, he's also a teacher and mentor for kids, so he knows how bad it would look if people found out he had a kid that he doesn't have any contact with. But he pays child support, and that's his contribution.

This situation is unfortunately a lot more common now a days. So I think more people can understand, if they ever did know what happened. Surely there will be mixed reviews. Some will look down on our H's for having no contact and some will understand how bad contact could damage the marriage. But as long as you and your H are ok with the decision then you'll be ok.