Hmmm... such a tough situation. I really don't know if there is ever closure.

I do know that my woman friends who have given up babies to adoption never get over it. They spend their whole lives wondering if they made the right decision. I have three friends who all went searching to find their babies (now grown). Interestingly enough, the fathers in these three cases haven't cared about finding the baby (in one case the father never knew about the child). In another case, the biological mother found the son and the son was very open and generous about meeting her. The son wanted to find out more info about his father so she contacted the biological father's mother (because she couldn't find the biological father) and the grandmother rebuffed her and told her that to her family the grandson didn't exist. Of course, my friend never told the son this because it would be too hurtful. Instead, she dug out an old box of stuff from her attic and gave her son all the pictures she could find and she also invited some old friends over who knew the father (from the old days) to come meet the son and tell him stories about his father.

This same woman also has a 10 year old son. She sat him down and told him the truth about what had happened so many years ago and that he has a half brother. Her 10 year old son was very excited about learning this and he did meet his half brother.

I think, perhaps, it's our attitude and delivery that makes all the difference. I'm just striving for acceptance at this point but maybe at some point I can be more open and compassionate.

PS. It's 11 months since I found out and almost 4 months since the baby was born.

I am 8 months from the day the sheriff knocked on my door to serve child support papers. We have had NC either and my husband does not want any at all. He feels it would be too much for both our son and his new son. He also does not want to bring “her” in our lives at all. Too much pain and too many triggers. Honestly I feel like if you connect or establish and emotional bond with the child you will not be able to go back to NC. That would be way too hard. I am also looking for closure; I truly think my closure would come from the OW. She will not speak to me at all. She will not respond to any calls, emails or letters. She told child support we must file a motion to speak to her about the other boy who just turned one. She gets $1280 per month. It stinks and i think this is a whether or not I am going to accept this situation in my life. This is ongoing if you choose to stay I think? So far I am trying to stay, but wow is it really hard. the wall that constantly builds between my H and I is so hard to deal with.

ahhh...closure...sounds like a dream at this point. I am 5mos since discovery...and about a month ago I contacted the OW via email. We discussed a lot - their relationship (which had ended a year and a half ago), child support, contact with her daughter and my daughter (only 4mos age diff)...all the lies he told her about me, and how he used her...my devastation - my anger with her...she apologized profusely...she was young (9yrs younger than my hubby and I) and I can understand doing stupid things when young...it answered some of my questions - created a few more...she was so surprised that i wasn't a crazy bitch - that she sent me a facebook request!!! she now wants to communicate with me only. wow. soooo naive. I've kept things nice with her...friendly...but i still think about their relationship every day...obsess about the details...the ruminating is almost worse now that I know her a little.

Not sure 'closure' is even possible in a circumstance such as this...only hoping I will one day I will be able to accept it...and not cry about it...or obsess about it...can't wait until that day comes

take care ;-)

SC-did talking to her/OW help you even a little? I am going absolutely nuts that she will not speake to me at all. Nothing...nothing at all. I am almost wonder if my H paid her off to not speak-its crazy. I just want to know the details he can't remember which is a lot. I want to know her thoughts on what she is going to tell her son about his father. its just crazy-I truly think someday I am going to just knock on her door. I tried the nice friendly way and she did not buy it.

It helped that she apologized - and acknowledged how wrong it was of her. It helped to hear that he hurt her too - kinda mean of me...but it feels better to know that she suffered too. I did ask about the details he 'does not remember' and ended up with an entirely different set of questions. Her version of their relationship was VERY different from his. Not any more or less painful - just different. I then had more questions to ask of him...and he was still unable to answer fully.

It hurt me to hear the details of how he described me to her - the lies he told her about me - and how he pretended to her that me getting pregnant with our daughter was an accident! wow. It hurt to realize how childish and ignorant she is...to know that he wanted that...

Unfortunately I accepted her friend request - I was curious to see more pics of her child...and now it is a sick obsession of mine...I look at her page and her pics almost daily...and she posts virtually everything she does - updates every couple of hours...so, needless to say - I know a WHOLE lot more about her now than is healthy.

Overall, I'd say that it did help a bit - in the way that I now have a more realistic and complete picture of what went on... and I am definitely someone who focuses on the details. It helped me to see HOW awful he was - the lying to both her and me...the rediculous and ruthless selfishness - it helped me to realize how awful he really can be - it took me from a place where I had a pervasive feeling that I had to fight for him - to not caring at all. I now see how pathetic this all is - how pathetic he is. I lost all of that 'fight for your man' garbage. He needs to fight for me.

She admitted that she was very afraid of the day that we would finally speak...she was afraid that I would scream at her and call her names - maybe even be violent. She said she was afraid to face the horrific thing she did...it was safer for her to try to ignore that. She couldn't own up to it...it would change her idea of the person she was trying to be now. Maybe your OW won't speak to you because of similar reasons? I don't know...shame is a poweful emotion.

My only suggestion? Write her a letter. A real hadwritten, heartfelt letter. Say everything you have to say - tell her why you want to know her side...be gentle and not accusing...appeal to her as a woman...as a mother - a mother of her child's sibling. Maybe if she sees that you are genuine and just seeking to heal...not to hurt...maybe then she will answer you.

good luck - I hope you find peace ;-)

I am 3 years out from my H affair, his son is 2 years old. The one thing I have learned through all of this is there will never be complete closure, just acceptance of the situtation. With that said, I have to ask the question of why should this child be punished by not knowing its other family? The child did not ask to be born to two irresponsible parents! I have had my fair share of feeling about this, and just recently came into the acceptance phase of this. It is like I have told my H, I am over the affair, the child, but do not know if I can get over the lies he told me. I still do not trust him with my heart completely. That is something we still have to work on, or should I say he has to work on.
In my case, the OW, also went behide our back and tried to start contact with my in-laws. My H called her and told her that it was not her place and any contact with his parents will go through him and him alone. We have not had another issue with that. The OW also contacted my H ex-wife and they are now friends and his 15 year old daughter, now spends weekends at her house and does not see her father, due to the trash talking they did. We have accepted that it is her choice on what she believes, although we are completely heart broken over not seeing her any more.
My advise to you is have contact with that child, teach him what a real family is like and learn to love him. I know that seems like a unbearable task, but again the child did not ask for this. AS far as your H goes, if his parents are going to have contact and see him, this is going to cause that child tons of emotional problems. Not only that, but he deserves to have his father in his life. By you chosing to stay married to this man you are chosing to becaome that child step-mother. You do not have to do anything more then you are comfortable doing, but learn to set the feeling aside when the child is present.

It is a long hard road and as I have said "I am 3 years out from this" You will not get off the roller coaster unless you open your arm, heart and home up to this child. You will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and drama will follow you for life. Be a untited front to the other women and make it known that she doesn't have control of your live anymore. Your H was man enough to create life and now he needs to do his part and teach this child how not to repeat his mistakes.

Amethyst- I understand what you're saying and I don't disagree with you. I just can't say that I want to purposely bring that kind of pain into my life when my H has made his own decision regarding the NC. I also understand that she is an innocent child but she is not MY child nor MY responsibility. My concern is for my own children and keeping my family together so that I can raise them how I see fit. Sorry, but the OW contributed to the problem, pursued a married man, invited him into her bed and birthed an illegitemate child- NOT my fault/problem. If my H said he absolutely had to have contact with the child, I would have to leave or find a way to deal with it. He has taken that choice away from me. I haven't decided if I agree with his decision but it certainly makes my life easier. I don't feel that we can force his parents to have NC either- I don't feel that would be right but it would be very confusing to her to have contact with only her grandparents and not her father. And yes, I feel like at some point in my life "the other shoe will drop"- he will either change his mind about NC or the OW will continue to try to cause problems. That's why I'm trying to find ways to heal, get closure, face facts, whatever- sooner rather than later and have it all come crashing down again 5 years from now.