spouses and illegitimate children Community Group

Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.

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amethyst80 10/09/2008

I have been having a real hard time dealing with all of this. I think my Husband just might have ruined any hope for me being whole again, but time will tell. We were going through a really stressful time in our lives and my husband shut down on me. I was forced to carry everything on my back (house, kids, cleaning, cooking, bills Ect..) He worked graveyard and I worked on the dayshift. He ran into an old friend from school and strated creating new email accounts to talk with her. My health was starting to fade due to all the stress placed on me and ended up in the hostipal, he left me there alone, checking on me only when I called for him. The night I was in the hosipital he had the OW come over to our home. That is where they slept together for the first time, the time she also claims to have concieved his child. This went on for about 1 month, he would tell everyone he wanted a divorce from me, but tell me he loved me and did not want to loose me. I was still a wreck, I lost 15 lbs in 1 week. I couldn't take care of my kids, my house and my job was suffering as well, I got to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I got divorce papers and left them on the bed for him with a note telling him I was done. It wasn't until we started working things out that I found out the OW was having a baby. I am still with my Husband because there is a chance the kid is not his, but my gut says it is. I refuse to work on our marriage until I know, right now we are working on being friends, we still live together, but man it is hard at time when he says he loves me. You don't treat something you love like that do you? I know I don't. But the kid is due in Jan and that is when I will find out if my life as I know it over. If the kid is his, I want nothing to do with it. I strugle everday because I don't know if I can walk away from him, but I know I want nothing to do with that kid. Thanks for letting me get this all out, any advise would help.

deleted_user 10/09/2008

sorry for your situation but you have come to the right place. i had decided that his child could come to our home around our son every other weekend and it is killing me slowly. he acts as if i should want to deal with his kid and should want her around. he does not appreciate what i do, it is almost like showing me appreciation means that he is wrong. i actually am fed up with him and ready to kiss him goodbye. i play with her, feed her, bathe her, do her hair, read to her, in a nut shell, do everything for her. i am just tired. i understand how you feel and everyone here understands how you feel. you want your marriage but his choices have forced you to have to make a tough decision. hang in there, and i am her for you.

amethyst80 10/09/2008

Thank you for your kind words, it really does help to know that I am not the only one. Another thing that kills me is we do don't have kids together and he always tells me when ever I would bring up wanting a baby that he doesn't want anymore kids, but then he goes and does this and did not protect him self, and wants me to help him raise his kid. HA that is not gonna happen.

deleted_user 10/09/2008

Ahh, I know just how you feel about the whole not having children together. I am in the same situation. My husband walked out on me one night and never came home. Started sleeping with this girl less than two weeks later and then a little over a month later decided that he made a big mistake and wanted to come home to me. Well, about two weeks later, he finds out that she is pregnant. He is no longer in my home because he keeps the child every other weekend and I just don't want to be around her. I tried having her around for a few weeks (just a few hours at a time), but I couldn't do it. It is too hard to see a child that looks like my husband and some other woman. He keeps telling me that he wants to have children with me...ones that he can be proud of, but at this point, the thought of having children with him makes me sick.

I would keep your hopes up that the baby isn't his, but do try to prepare yourself in case it is. We didn't think my husband could have children, so we kind of played it off like it probably wasn't his. I was in no way prepared for the truth.

Stay strong and know that you will make it through this one way or another. Sorry you have to find yourself here, but at least take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Hugs to you!

deleted_user 10/09/2008

i commend you ladies because i really don't know if i could stay had he given the one thing i wanted with him more that anything in the world, to another woman-and we had not had any kids. people say that i am brave and have a big heart to stay but i think you guys are the better ones because i just don't think i would stay. and one of the MAIN reasons i am still with my husband is because of our very young son and had we not had him there would be nothing to keep me here. love is just not enough.

amethyst80 10/10/2008

Yeah, not having kids with him hurts, but at the same time I know think it was a blessing. I am preparing my self for a life on my own. I have a bank account that I have been putting mone in that he doesn't know of. I put in my friends name. LOL I will have a clean break from him if I need to leave.

deleted_user 10/10/2008

SMART LADY-WISH I WOULD HAVE BEEN THAT SMART.

deleted_user 10/11/2008

Im so sorry. I know the horrible emotions and feelings you are going through. I just found out 3 weeks ago. The other womans child is 3 weeks older than ours! The thing that is helping me is allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. I wont accept the child into my life right now either. I told my husband to go live with the OW and his kid if he really wanted to otherwise I needed him 100% in our relationship. Right now that means giving up his paternal rights and all contact with the ow. I feel bad for the child but I dont know what else Im supposed to do. I wont have or be part of "2" families. In my case it wasnt an accident. The woman confessed to my h that she purposely got pregnant. So, all I can say is you and your husband need to be putting you first right now. Things need to be as you want them regardless of how difficult it is for him. If he is going to cheat at the worse and hardest time of your life then he is going to have to deal with the consequences. Dont back down! Be true to yourself and know that no matter what happens...its your life and you can make it what you want it to be! Hugs

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