spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
My husband found out OW is pregnant again. We have NC and OC is just over a year old. He snooped on her facebook and found out she's pregnant and it looks like she's together with the father. He now wants to reach out to her and is involving my MIL (who he had previously cut off for contacting OW). He found out today that when MIL contacted OW, OW told her she didn't mind if she sent gifts and stuff but that she would not be having OC call her and keep in contact (of course since all she wants is gifts and money) so MIL hasn't really had any contact with OW since then.
He now wants to have the conversation with OW of what happens now. He pays child support and has been since last December. He hasn't had any contact with OW/OC since then. He wants to speak with OW and find out what her plans are for the future and if she plans to marry the new guy and have him adopt OC. If the new guy wants to adopt OC, he said he will gladly sign his rights over to him. He's now feeling some type of way about paying CS for OC and OW collecting that money while also getting help from the new guy, when we could be using that money towards our baby coming in December. I agree with him totally here. She quit her job to move closer to the new guy and now gets to sit home taking care of OC and her child on the way to be supported by the new guy...all while my H and I go to work everyday to support our family and have to send her money each month.
Here's the thing...he's going to tell her either he will not be involved and not pay CS OR he will go for visitation because he has rights. This is the only thing I don't agree with and we didn't have much time to talk about it when he brought it up this morning because I had to go to work. He decided from day 1 (even before I knew) that he would not be involved. If she really wants CS, or more importantly wants to keep lines of communication with my husband open (in case she can one day sneak back in) she may say fine, go for visitation you should be in her life. If that happens...now what? Then we'd have to have scheduled visitation with OC? I told him from day 1...if he wanted to be a father to OC I would not stop him, but I would step aside so he could be. I just know that there is no way I can watch OC come in and out of our home and be reminded of what he did. OW went to college with us, she slept with every single one of my friends boyfriends also, they slept together on and off for 8 years and both lied to my face about it whenever asked. The history is too much. There is no way I will allow this women to be in my life. I just can't...this is not up for negotiation by me, sorry.
My H is convinced that because she's pregnant by the new guy she won't want him involved in anyway to jeopardize messing up her chance to get married and have a family. But...I figure if she would allow her self to get pregnant again before OC was even a year old by someone she just met (when she was pregnant with OC she didn't know if the father my was H or some other guy she was sleeping with), it's not really a sign of anything that she's pregnant again. She could need my H to be involved in case this guy leaves her too, then she could collect CS from both of them.
I'm more so just venting and getting my feelings out...I have no one to talk to about all this. Most people do not know, and the few that do think I'm awful for not wanting my H to have contact with OW/OC. I just don't even know what to do.
He mentioned he was going to call the guy she's pregnant by (his number was listed on facebook) and talk to him. Tell him about the history with him and OW and tell him that if he wants to adopt OC then he will gladly sign over his rights so they can be a family. Is this a good idea? bad idea?
Honestly...right this second I feel like I never should have stayed after I found out about OW/OC. While my H has stopped cheating, he is still an asshole a lot of the time and I just feel like I deal with too much bullshit being with him. When I found out he was cheating on me (but before finding out about OW/OC...this was with another girl) I cheated on him one time for attention (this was before we were married...and yes I know it was stupid of me). He makes me re live that 1 night all the time. Things can be going well and he will get mad out of nowhere about what I did (and this was years ago). But expects me to just be ok with OW/OC and everything that goes along with it and not be mad or upset. I just feel so stupid for staying now...and also getting pregnant again. Even though we tried...now I just feel stuck and hopeless. How did I let myself get here?! :(
He now wants to have the conversation with OW of what happens now. He pays child support and has been since last December. He hasn't had any contact with OW/OC since then. He wants to speak with OW and find out what her plans are for the future and if she plans to marry the new guy and have him adopt OC. If the new guy wants to adopt OC, he said he will gladly sign his rights over to him. He's now feeling some type of way about paying CS for OC and OW collecting that money while also getting help from the new guy, when we could be using that money towards our baby coming in December. I agree with him totally here. She quit her job to move closer to the new guy and now gets to sit home taking care of OC and her child on the way to be supported by the new guy...all while my H and I go to work everyday to support our family and have to send her money each month.
Here's the thing...he's going to tell her either he will not be involved and not pay CS OR he will go for visitation because he has rights. This is the only thing I don't agree with and we didn't have much time to talk about it when he brought it up this morning because I had to go to work. He decided from day 1 (even before I knew) that he would not be involved. If she really wants CS, or more importantly wants to keep lines of communication with my husband open (in case she can one day sneak back in) she may say fine, go for visitation you should be in her life. If that happens...now what? Then we'd have to have scheduled visitation with OC? I told him from day 1...if he wanted to be a father to OC I would not stop him, but I would step aside so he could be. I just know that there is no way I can watch OC come in and out of our home and be reminded of what he did. OW went to college with us, she slept with every single one of my friends boyfriends also, they slept together on and off for 8 years and both lied to my face about it whenever asked. The history is too much. There is no way I will allow this women to be in my life. I just can't...this is not up for negotiation by me, sorry.
My H is convinced that because she's pregnant by the new guy she won't want him involved in anyway to jeopardize messing up her chance to get married and have a family. But...I figure if she would allow her self to get pregnant again before OC was even a year old by someone she just met (when she was pregnant with OC she didn't know if the father my was H or some other guy she was sleeping with), it's not really a sign of anything that she's pregnant again. She could need my H to be involved in case this guy leaves her too, then she could collect CS from both of them.
I'm more so just venting and getting my feelings out...I have no one to talk to about all this. Most people do not know, and the few that do think I'm awful for not wanting my H to have contact with OW/OC. I just don't even know what to do.
He mentioned he was going to call the guy she's pregnant by (his number was listed on facebook) and talk to him. Tell him about the history with him and OW and tell him that if he wants to adopt OC then he will gladly sign over his rights so they can be a family. Is this a good idea? bad idea?
Honestly...right this second I feel like I never should have stayed after I found out about OW/OC. While my H has stopped cheating, he is still an asshole a lot of the time and I just feel like I deal with too much bullshit being with him. When I found out he was cheating on me (but before finding out about OW/OC...this was with another girl) I cheated on him one time for attention (this was before we were married...and yes I know it was stupid of me). He makes me re live that 1 night all the time. Things can be going well and he will get mad out of nowhere about what I did (and this was years ago). But expects me to just be ok with OW/OC and everything that goes along with it and not be mad or upset. I just feel so stupid for staying now...and also getting pregnant again. Even though we tried...now I just feel stuck and hopeless. How did I let myself get here?! :(
I talked to him a little more when I went back home for break. I told him my concerns. He's still stuck on the fact he just doesn't want to be paying for them to play house. I told him the same thing all of you said about why even contact her. It's not going to change anything in her mind. He had tried to call her with my MIL on 3-way but she didn't answer. She then sent him a text saying "Hey! I'll call you back in 1hour" I told him that right there should show you she's not trying to let go of you at all. Cause if it were me and some guy that I had a baby by had called me out of the blue after not speaking to me for the last year of our child's life I'd be texting back "what the f**k do you want?" not "hey!"
He's hard headed though. One thing that frustrates me about him is that he often doesn't look at his actual actions...only his intentions. So he thinks that only his intentions should matter and not the actions. Like even in this situation he thinks that his intention to only sleep with OW as an easy piece of ass, should negate the fact he got her pregnant. It annoys me to no end! So him calling her he thinks that his intention to just be taken off CS should negate how it looks for him to be calling her with "concern" about her pregnancy and the new guy. I agree I'd rather fork over the money each month (as much as it sucks) than have this blow back in his face.
Ugh...I'll have more drama when I get home I'm sure. I've been in and out of meetings at work so I haven't gotten a chance to call him and see if he ended up talking to OW and what she said.
I'm furious!! I assume this means my husband is talking to her about being in OC's life. UGH!!!!!
He said he got the feeling she is leaning towards having him sign his rights over, dropping CS, and having the other guy adopt OC and told her to make sure she thinks about it cause the money isn't worth it.
I dunno...this seems like it could go either way. I wish I could have heard the phone conversation (this is the first time he's talked to her that I haven't been able to listen in on).
I need to have the convo with my husband tonight about ok, what if she decides she won't drop CS and he won't adopt OC. Then what? Then if you take her for court for visitation how does that work for us?
He said he put in her head a lot of things...like if that's the case will she have OC calling my H daddy and the new guy daddy, then the other kid she's about to have will call the new guy daddy too and confuse OC, and about how the new guy will feel if H is in the picture and he'd make sure to tell the new guy the full details of what happened.
Maybe her brothers post is a good thing then?...I feel like people around her will tell her to try to keep my H out of OC's life.
I'm so sick of this wait and see game with all this!!!
I was very unhappy in the marriage and didn't try to hide it. So I guess by the A not being out in the open I just came off as a miserable bitch.
That whole secret time, especially the end of my pregnancy and early years of my youngest are painful to look back on.
I was so on the verge of leaving him and that likely would have sealed it for me.
The most important thing here is staying as stress free as possible for both you and your babies health and to work on having a good marriage.