Oh boy this is a little complicated. It sounds like you've got some time but I worry about your husband spilling the beans in the wrong way. He sounds pretty childish.

I told my youngest when he was 7. I kept it simple (ha that's a laugh as there really is nothing "simple" about this).

I sat my then 7 & 9 year olds down while hubby and I were still separated. I said something to the effect "8 years ago just before I was pregnant with you (my youngest) daddy and I broke up. He gota new gf and she had a baby. That boy is 7 and he is your brother.

They were actually excited and intrigued. They were too young to understand. A week later they all met him for a brief time. It moved along fairly quickly for the kids (slower for me since we lived separately).

It would be another 1.5 years before the oc was introduced to their world. Meaning at our house and being introduced to any of their friends.

He only comes on Saturdays and sometimes a day or 2 during school breaks. He and my son are very bonded. As time went on I explained how he actually came to be. It was necessary because ow told oc her own version and it conflicted with mine.

I think getting a divorce makes the whole thing easier as far as telling your kids.

I hope you find some peace on your new path.

That is incredibly tough, hugs and prayers.
While I don't know what it is like to be in your situation or Pink's I will say that children are resilient. They will look to you, though, and mimic your attitudes and behavior in such a complex and foreign situation. At 7 they can't really be expected to make wise and thoughtful choices about what does and does not make them happy.

I hope that your husband loves both of your children enough to think about how his behaviors and attitude will affect them. You are responsible for that as well. You can dictate how they react.

My children were right around that age when my husband and I separated so I know that confusing situations can be scary.

I encourage you to be strong and have a positive attitude that you can overcome. Your children need that and so do you. No matter what you gave it a chance to work out and you should never be ashamed of that. Be strong and brave even though it feels impossible. But remember that being brave does not mean having no fear. It's ok to be scared.

You'll be in my prayers, please keep us updated.

I would like to edit something.
You can't really dictate how they react but your reaction to their reaction will set the tone for future conversations about the OC and OW.

That I agree with redi. I didn't tell my kids until I was able to feel acceptance towards the oc. If I had told them when I had hatred, it would have been very tough to conceal that.

In fact there have been triggered moments over the years where I have said things to them or in their presence about the A or OW that I really should have kept private with my husband.

Maybe once you two live separately it will be easier and they can decide when thru want to meet and or spend time with oc. If the ow doesn't allow him to terminate his rights.

I go to therapy and I think it's great. Even if you don't have someone to really relate that is someone who is to help without judgement.

I think allowing your children to see a certain amount of conflict is a very good thing. They need to learn that bad choices have bad consequences. .. especially for those we love. They have a right to be disappointed and scared. They need to be encouraged to not hold grudges and forgive for their own sakes.
Pink, I think your children should know how hurt you were but that you made a choice to stay and that family is important enough that you can choose to forgive. Your children probably trust you more than you know. Once they really see the weight of the situation they will know that you are trustworthy and that you will love them no matter what.

That is the lesson, I think. Your children need a parent that is dependable and trustworthy. Making a mistake doesn't negate either of those things. Learning from them and moving forward does determine the level of dependability and trustworthiness.

thank you guys for the suggestions. It's been tough to separate how I really feel vs what I portray to the kids. I don't sit and talk to them about it, but it's obvious that I am so incredibly unhappy and I know that's affecting them too.

pink- were you guys really separated when your husband had OC? this was a thought that popped in my mind about how to tell our oldest and lie to him. I hate to do that because I hate that it will paint his father in a "better" light (vs how it really happened)...but feel it may be easier for my son to process.

red- I did try therapy...I've tried a few different ones but haven't found one I really like yet. I thought my last therapist was a good fit, but after a few months I just felt like I was talking to one of my girlfriends and I could get that for free just going out for drinks with my friends lol.

my husband is indeed extremely childish...which makes the whole situation even worse because it's not like I'm dealing with a rationale adult who just made a mistake. he most like has a personality disorder, but refuses any treatment or medication.

No we were not. I did lie. I would have kept it that way because it did paint him in a better light and less of a stigma for all of us. I was in the rebuilding process and working on forgiveness at the time so it wasn't hard.

There was a point while oc was in my kids lives but I don't think he was coming to my home yet where my son's curiosity was strong about the oc mom. He brought up " *-*-* mom this & *-*-* mom that". It was triggery and hard. I would say something like "I know your curious but it's hard for me to talk about her. She did something very hurtful to me. She knew daddy had a wife and family and dated him anyway". I explained that it's not ok to have a gf when your married that your supposed to geta divorce first.

As the oc started spending time at our house it was clear that ow have him a fantasy story. Which I guess I don't blame since she figured he would never reveal oc and her lies would stay safe and oc wouldn't know he was the product of an A until he wasan adult (if ever).

However once that changed and she saw we were working through it, she should have found a way to tell him the truth.

I explained to my kids at some point that while we were not broken up when he dated her, our marriage was not good. We both considered divorce. That was true. I told them that what did was very wrong and most women leave when cheated on. I made the choice to forgive him but that his actions were very wrong and very hurtful.

I told them what I felt they could process. Unfortunately there were a couple of times where I was in a bad state of mind and definitely said things in a way that they should not be subjected to.

Last year my kids asked if she (ow) knew about us. I said yes which is why it's hard for me when she is brought up. I tools them that I was open to hearing an apology from her and communicating for the fake of her son but in 5 years she has never apologized for her part not has she thanked me for caring for her child and not holding her actions against him.

They said "oh cause *-*-* said his mom didn't know daddy had a family. That if she knew she would never have been with him"

I explained that I spike with her long before the wasa child and told her whoi was. She was friends with his cousin and he up in his town. She absolutely knew that I and my children existed. She knew she was okay of an A and she made a conscious choice.

She wanted to throwit all on my husband and take zero blame.

That's when I asked him to have a talk with oc. Explain the truth in a loving manner. Apologize for how you behaved and caused him to hurt and make sure he doesn't feel like the mistake.

He did that. It was hard but this kid needed to understand from 1 of his parents that while the relationship should not have happened while he was married it doesn't mean he is a mistake. The fact that the oc and my son are only 39 days apart makes coming up with a believable scenario hard.

As it stands right now, we seem to be doing good with it all.

I wish there was a one way cures all. I will never know if what I did was best. I only did what felt right. Your in a different situation. You've been in limbo and it sounds like your husband hasn't been supportive.

I rambled on and I think my response was all over the place. I hope you can find some sense in it.

Sorry if my explanation was all over. Simply put I guess you could say I "trickle truthed" my kids. Started with daddy and I were broken up for a couple of months" when I first told them about oc to the real story "dad cheated, our marriage was , and ow knew".

There were multiple situations over the course of 5 years that the details were given to them. My 2 older understood from the beginning that it was an A.

Anyhow, you'll have to figure out what you feel is the best way to give your kids the information. Maybe even a child psychologist could help you.

thanks Pink! no worries, I've (sadly) gotten used to thinking about everything in a scattered all over the place way, so your response made completely sense to me.

my youngest has his 15 month check up this morning (and has the same Dr as my oldest), so I am going to ask her to refer a child psychologist I can talk to and get my oldest to see.

husband is still in LALA land thinking that just threatening visitation will cause the OW to drop child support and that our son won't need to know until he's older...but I'm not counting on that.

I hate that you don't have clarity yet. This limbo area has to be really difficult.