spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
My husband of 12 years has recently been contacted by his 21 year old son. He knew that he had a child but has never been in contact with him or has ever even seen him. We are both 42 and chose not to have children. Now poses the problem. If he commences contact with his son, he has a readymade family. This is something we chose not to have. Do I have to accept the son in to my life, eg. go th his wedding, etc. I feel forced into family life if I accept this and at the same time, don't want to be selfish and deny my husband his right to a relationship. How do I handle this?
If you don't want to accept him, fine, but you need to lay all your cards out to your husband, let him know how you feel and what your plan is moving forward. He is married to you, what he does affects you, he should know the effects before he chooses.
On the other hand, it sounds like the kid was born way before you 2 got together, i think it woukd be difficult to adjust to having him in your life, but I might give it a shot, out of respect for my husband. If I was in your shoes I think I would accept the kid (grown man) so long as the boundaries are very hard and fast about the mother. She wouldn't get to come along with him. They didn't raise the kid together, after all. That seems like a fair compromise.
Honesty and communication, start w yourself...
The real question is, if he does want a relationship, is that a deal breaker?
Is there a limit to how involved you want to be? Or not at all? Are you willing to accept his relationship if he's ok with your not having any involvement?
There are about a dozen scenarios that range from divorcing to actually forming a relationship with his son.