spouses and illegitimate children Community Group

Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.

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amethyst80 04/06/2013

I have not been on here in a while as I haven't felt like I needed to be. It has been almost 5 years since D day and the OC is very much a part of our lives now. I am attached to him as if he is a nephew and still only step in to care for him when my H is not able to, by no means do I try to be a parent to him. I do enjoy him being around and sometimes miss him when he is not here. My H has still has this wall build up around him when it comes to being the father he should be to his son and has just started to hug this little four year old and it is so sad to see the OC wanting and needing that from his father. My H has always in the back of his mind felt the first DNA test was wrong as this child looks nothing like him. So to take that away from him, we did our own second DNA without anyone else knowing. It came back the same he is the father by 99.99%. I did not realize the amount of feelings and hurt reading those words was going to bring back. I do not feel like I was back at the first test, but wow the pain is still there. The OW has been for the most part easy to work with and her and I are friends FB and she texts me all the time just to say hi. At least we are really trying for the OC. She still has never said sorry for the hurt she cause me, but she is greatful that I am me and so accpting of her son. She has told me that on many occassions. H and OW do not talk unless it is picking up or dropping off of the kid and that is their choice, I find it funny that they cannot stand one another.

dmdempse1 04/07/2013

Dear AM,
How did you ever break down that wall between you and other woman? I want so much to be cordial with the one I am now attached at the hip with, but my husband says we will never be able to get along. The OC is 5 years old this past January and I have never met him. I realize hate will destroy this child. I just wish the ow and H would realize this. Thank you so much for your feedback.

pinkpony66 04/08/2013

Wow on the being friends with ow. I'm not sure I could go that far but I would like contact that is atleast cordial. We never had a DNA test done. h assumed and believed oc was his. Oc looks like my H so it makes it easier to believe. He spent nearly 7 years being a father and bonding with oc. Even a DNA wouldn't change much for him.

amethyst80 04/08/2013

I broke down the wall by first saying sorry for anything that I may have said out of hurt to her in the first place and by making it known to her that I only want to be a support person in her sons life and not his mother. I also never judge her and allowed her to vent about her problems of this not being what she wanted. When things did seem to get a little hair in the start of all of this I also reminded her that I was able to be a vindictive person, but I am choosing not to be and for that she should be greatful and the only thing I wanted was to see her son grow up and not be affected by the mess that his parents made. Overall, I really think it was the OC that brought us together as he adores me and talks about me all the time. He would throw fits about not wanting to go with his dad until she reminded him he would also see me. I think it was all the little things. Most of all I knew and have always treated him (even when I did not feel like it) as the innocent person just like me that was hurt by this. It may have bonded us a little. Like i told my H if the second test came back that he was not the father, I would still like to see the OC.

amethyst80 04/08/2013

I also made it know to her from the my H would be a father to his child or I would leave him. I just feel there are too many children out their that do not have the supports that they should have.

pinkpony66 04/09/2013

Thankyou amethyst. Its good to have another who has similar ideas. I've always said since this, that I hated c what happened and what my H did but respected his choice to parent his son.

It was a crazy road learning to incorporate the oc. I agree that slow is the best way to go. Periodically I would assume I was ready for more and my H would assume I was all fine and then not communicate a visit or xtra Time spent. That's when I would have set backs.

I wish I could have known oc since infancy so the bond would have been stronger. I too see him as anephew. He has such admiration for my H and loves his visits here. I do what I can to make him feel a part of "us" whenever he is here.

How old was your oc when you found out? How do your kids accept him?

dmdempse1 04/09/2013

Good questions Pink. I too would have liked to have had the OC from the beginning. I want him to grow up thinking of me as a friend and not an enemy. There is plenty of hate in the world already. The OC deserves as much respect and love as we can give them.

amethyst80 04/10/2013

I found out when she was only 12 weeks along. But since she too was married and with another person we had nothing to do with htem until the first DNA test was complete. We started the process as soon as the child was born. A part of me wishes we would have made her do it, but I just could not live in the not knowing and my H exwife was sending his daughter over to the OW house. It was very complex in how everything went down. The funny thing is I met the OC before my H did, the OW brought him with her when we sat down to talk. I have always said it was easier eince he was a 10 month old baby, how can you not like a baby?

There are still people that do not know about him, but I also do not hide it. He is in our family photo. I felt bad one day when he asked where his picture on the wall was, that was a huge moment for me.

pinkpony66 04/11/2013

Yes the photos. I have my four kids pics along my staircase wall. I have one shot framed of him and my kids with my husband. My H doesn't have younger pics and since I don't communicate with ow and my H hates communicating with her, I don't see getting those pics. I take a lot of pictures when he is around and give him copies of them so he knows and sees he is part of our family.

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