I needed God to get to my place of forgiveness. My husband Is not very religious so for him it was more of searching within himself to become a better man.

I haven't been to church in a while. I don't know how this works in with my religious self. I know it wouldn't be "okay" to have so much hate in my heart for the OW and feelings of dread about the OC. I haven't "forgiven" Hubs per se. I'm more of a take it or leave it. He cheated on me with OW and created OC and while I can't say I've forgiven him, I'm willing to take it like it is and move forward. My guy never seems to feel guilt or remorse about things I think she should feel them about and then he feels guilty about things that are totally out of his control. I think it's a way for his psyche to protect him from guilt that he probably should accept. He'll mention having the OC at our home like I"m supposed to look forward to it which I find terribly insensitive. I doubt he'd like it if I had an adultery child with someone and mentioned it to him any more than necessary.

Back to the original question, I think religion brings a little peace into the situation. I think God is more upset with Hubs and OW than he is with me, so I'd think the same about your situation.

I went through a year of trying to forgive, assuming I could. I'm not sure about the rest here but went through "hysterical bonding" in the early months. That's where there is this need to bond and a feeling of love and attachment. It was so hard to understand. My therapist didn't ever tell me that's what was happening. I kept questioning why I was having such strong feelings of acceptance. I think she wanted to believe she was the magic healer of our lives.

Truth was, I was surpressing and protecting. I wasn't ready to fully feel what was really going on. The enormity of his actions hadn't quite hit me. Yes I had my tears and anger and break downs but I also had an extreme need to be near him. To hear Im sorry and feel his pain and remorse.

As time went on and we were trying to resume some sense of normalcy, I started to feel more anger and less sadness. I'm talking loathing hateful anger. After a couple of months of that (we were still living separately and coming close to our first anniversary of dday) I had this realization that not had I not forgiven him but my hatred for him was so strong that it was impossible to ignore. It was like a delayed reaction. I told him I needed space from "rebuilding" that I felt it was unfair to him being so hated when he truly was changing and was very ashamed and sorry for all he had done.

I knew that I had to find forgiveness for him in order for me to be whole. It was no longer about rebuilding us but rebuilding me. I couldn't function with so much anger and hatred. I started a journey with God as my partner. The goal was to forgive this man who had destroyed me and if that meant we could no longer stay married, that was going to have to be OK.

I listened only to Christian music after hear a Josh Wilson song "Life is not a Snapshot". I prayed daily for the strength to stop relying on my hate to carry me through.

I began to separate the man from his actions and the past from the present. I found DS. I took comfort in the many whohad traveled this road before me and come out the other side. Those who had no contact and those who founda way to incorporate the oc into their lives.

I read stories of pain, hatred, joy and forgiveness all here on DS at multiple forums. The cloud of uncertainty began to lift and my heart softened. Then something very tragic happened. Our 15 year old nephew died suddenly. The reality of how fragile life was came crashing down into our lives. We spent the next week sleeping under the same roof. Me, my husband and all 4 of my children. And that's where the real desire to forgive him took over.

That forgiveness didn't mean it was all done or that I didn't still hurt but it changed me. Even the ow didn't stir the same emotions anymore. I can say that to some degree I have forgiven her for the past. She still annoys me today because of her ongoing bullshit. She's not a nut job like some of the ow I read about but she does add tension at times.

There is nothing easy or simple about these situations but whether you choose to stay or leave, have nc or contact, I truly believe that finding forgiveness for hubby is key in life. If toy can find forgiveness towards ow that's a bonus. And the child who is completely innocent deserves at the very least indifference.

I needed God and still do to keep me from feeling hatred. Believe me sometimes old emotions bubble to the surface and the result is an ugly one for me. In fact I'm back to listening to my klove station and praying for peace again.

I really do hope everybody finds that peace and joy in life. Counting our blessings every day. It's so easy to seek comfort in the familiar dredges of hate but not at all healthy.

You get rid of "the SOURCE "of anger/pain/betrayl & you move beyond for Yourself & whats relevant in your life!!
that's what I'm trying to do! Best advice you can only give to yourself! It is a bit 'musterd up' , but> Hold on to your own self! Religion by all means serves a purpose, but does it really condone/support the one who's been betrayed? Sometimes gotta make your 'own religion' if you want to see 'life' for what it really is: > move on! Some people will never change, its called 'entrapment'! Don't cage yourself based on what your significant other tried to do/or convince to you. Don't be confused with the matter! It is a 'SIN', but do you 'own' it or just dealing with the reprocussions (?sp) of the 'sinner'?

Id you've been wounded, find a way to eliminate the source & heal!!

Pray, It will get better!! Pray for me as well!!

PS> to all! If you didn't 'DIRTY' your Family, then your in the good!!

pink pony, are you a male or a partner who cheated? what is your basic life story line?

you have some interesting suggestions on this site

I am the wife of a cs who created a child with his ow. The 3 year A ended after shit got real. A.K.A she got prego.

I was told the whole truth by him years later after I separated and was seeking divorce. By dday the oc was almost 7 and my cs had been involved in the child's life the whole time.

During the lying years (A and oc) I confronted him multiple times as I suspected he had cheated. Without solid proof I began to just go along in life knowing one day I would end my marriage.

We both had done some destruction before and during the lying years and by the time I was seeking divorce, I was DONE. Very done. He realized that and with nothing left to lose he confessed. He begged for a second chance, made therapy appointments, confessed to reach of my siblings and their spouses and my dad and asked for their forgiveness. The list of what he did to try to be a net person is long. I decided to try, and while it has not been an easy path, I do not regret that decision.

I understand and respect those who make different choices. I share my experience to those wishing to attempt a rebuild. If they really want to rebuild, they will likely regret not at least trying. If the cs is not actually changing then rebuilding seems useless.

Everybody chooses to stay or leave based on their desire and ability. Some choose contact with oc others do not. Some have crazy ass ow involved and others do not.

Each story here is unique yet the same.

Toy couldn't tell from my response on this post that I was the wife? I just read my response from January and unless you thought I was a Gay man, I mention my husband and trying to forgive HIM throughout the entire response.

I re-read your post, Pink, and can't see how anyone could wonder what your role is.

Wow, pinkpony. I read this when you wrote it and it was very touching. It was a relief that I wasn't the only one genuinely working it out.

For me, I knew my husband is a great man. He works hard, he is always (other than this) very respectful to and of me, and he's an amazing father to our children. I knew that something was really wrong with his mind/spirit to take him to a place where this sort of thing could happen.

I originally wanted to work it out for our family and our children, and probably because I didn't want to be the loser (if we are getting real.) But then something happened. I asked how his mom felt about what he had done. I wanted to know what she had to say about his misbehavior and his abandonment of his family.

To put the value of what she thinks in perspective her husband left her with 6 children to raise alone. ABANDONED, no child support, nothing! I wanted to know,

I wondered if she stood up for me and our children and tried to prevent him from doing to us what his father did to her. When he told me that she said, essentially, to do whatever he feels like needs to be done I kind of lost it. Right then and there I knew that he had no one really prioritizing him, his spirit/mental well being/soul.

I love him, I don't want to see him miserable for the rest of his life. I knew that if he stayed that path then he would be. He had become the man he hated and he hated himself for it. He was my family and no matter how much pain I was in it really didn't compare to his.

I had picked myself up and carried on, quite well. I knew that I was going to be fine, but he wouldn't. I didn't want my children to suffer, I wanted them to have the best dad possible, so I made sure to help him as best I could.

I prioritized church for the whole family and we were fortunate enough to find a church that really focused on our earthly relationships. We learned a lot about selfless love. That was incredibly validating and his eyes were opened. We really learned and practiced commitment to one another. We learned that being focused on what each other needs really does make a difference in how you treat them and how they treat you.

I, too, listen to Christian music almost exclusively. It really makes a difference in my attitude. I can't listen to skanky music, it makes me want to slap the ow. I really do try to avoid current pop music, it's all so stupid and I'm trying to be a better and wiser person.

Everyday he expresses gratitude for the second chance and he sits in the pocket of being that loving husband. He sees me differently, he knows that I love him unconditionally. He says that my unconditional love is so freeing. He is at peace. He doesn't have a lock on his phone and he calls me frequently, he's an open book.

Seeing him kneel down between our girls' twin beds every night and hold their tiny hands and pray with them is the most amazing feeling. I see a changed man, someone who is on a path to become who he wants to be. I'm happy for him, he's doing a great job.

I've never been particularly religious, especially 'Jesus is the ONLY pathway' religious, but I'm realizing that it works. Prayer works. Prayer REALLY works.

Since getting back together everything is better than it has ever been. He got a new job with a raise large enough to cover cs payments, we bought our first house, I quit smoking, I have a new car, our girls are doing amazing in their new school. Most importantly, for me, I am a better person. I value myself more and I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have. That makes me a better wife and mother on a regular basis.

Honestly, there haven't been a whole lot of happy ending stories on DS that I have seen. I'm glad I didn't find the page right away. As scary as it was to go it alone mentally I'm glad that I found my own path through God and being the person He wants me to be. I'm glad that I didn't get to read the anger and pain that has lingered for so long within so many people. I hurt for them.

I just hope that if someone is finding themselves newly in this situation I can be a word that is different. Christianity is so different from what the world says and does. It's a more simple and beautiful and rewarding path. I just want to help and support others and give them real hope from someone who has thrived after dday because I didn't have that at all.

I know that I'm probably more optimistic and generous of heart than most people but it works for me and us. We do go to therapy individually and as a couple, so I encourage that too.

Pink, thanks for mentioning "hysterical bonding." I'm going to look into that. My therapist said that I was in denial and that my lack of sweeping anger was unhealthy. Ironically, she is a Christian counselor so I kind of wonder why she doesn't see my attitude of gratitude as a genuing gift and a positive choice. That is something else entirely though.

Thank you all ladies for your thoughts and participation. It's been very helpful.

Ty aunttann and redi. I thought maybe I didn't express who I was but then after explaining which I don't mind, I reread my January response and thought "how could anybody get from that response, that I'm a cheating husband? "

I know my stance on forgiveness and acceptance may not match how others handle this but geeeze that doesn't mean I'm not in the same boat.

We all make our choices and live with them. We wake up every day with a God given gift of free will. If think we've made bad choices we are free to make new ones.

Pink I have to say I scoffed at every post u made on here because I felt u lived in a fairytale (I find a reason to be angry at everyone and everything since this)...but after reading that I realize that I've experienced everything u r saying and completely understand...God bless u n thanks for sharing

Fairy tale? Dear lord no. Far from it. My life is a complicated mess. I do all I can to contain it and be happy. We all have some mess and everybody here has at least one that is similar. An oc from an A.

Tormented, this life is oh so short. We are put here and in the lives of others for a reason. You should be proud of your commitment to stay. I think more people walk away from the relationship than would because they feel society is telling them that they should.

I've been made to feel shame and people say all sorts of hurtful things. I had many women tell me how foolish I was to try to work things out. I had my doubts too but I knew I would regret not trying. I made a promise and meant to go out of my way to keep it.

The fact that you are going on your own path is incredibly brave.

How long ago was the A?