spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
Well it has been 3 years since D day, 2 years since the OC child entered the world and 1 year since he started coming into my home. My husband is trying hard to prove to me that he loves me and wants only me. This is something I still today day have a hard time with. He said all of that before, you know. It has been 1 year since my step daughter yelled she hated me (I have been around since she was 5 and she use to love me), I haven;t seen her since. unless, she is at the OW house when we pick the OC up. I tend to stay in the car. I still freak out when my H is on the phone, texting, or on the computer. I still question everyday if I can keep doing this. I do love my H, just not in the same way. That may be gone for ever, I just don't know yet.
The OC, is a sweet little boy who follows me around calling me mommy, that makes the OW cry. I treat him as if he were one of my nephews. I will be honest, I would not be upset if I never seen him again. I know that is bad of me. I can not say I have an attachment to him, I just put on the happy face. Every now and again I do enjoy the snuggle time with him, but other times I just want to be alone, away from him. My children do not call him their step brother and do not talk about him, unless he was just there. It really makes me wonder what kind of life this poor little boy is going to have? My H doesn't even seem attached to his own son still. He will tell you the OC looks nothing like him. DNA, says otherwise.
I don't know if my feeling will ever change, I feel like I am just floating by half the time, waiting for that big wave to put me on a new course. The things we do in the name of Love......
The OC, is a sweet little boy who follows me around calling me mommy, that makes the OW cry. I treat him as if he were one of my nephews. I will be honest, I would not be upset if I never seen him again. I know that is bad of me. I can not say I have an attachment to him, I just put on the happy face. Every now and again I do enjoy the snuggle time with him, but other times I just want to be alone, away from him. My children do not call him their step brother and do not talk about him, unless he was just there. It really makes me wonder what kind of life this poor little boy is going to have? My H doesn't even seem attached to his own son still. He will tell you the OC looks nothing like him. DNA, says otherwise.
I don't know if my feeling will ever change, I feel like I am just floating by half the time, waiting for that big wave to put me on a new course. The things we do in the name of Love......
NatalieWood- I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to let your comment slide. I understand that you just joined, I'm not sure what your motives are. Are you a betrayed spouse dealing with your H's illegitmate child? If so, you certainly have been through the pain we are all experiencing- if not, you shouldn't be here. This forum is a place where we all love and support one another, we are honest with each other in a caring way. I'm sorry if you are in pain, I hope we can help you deal with your anger here, but please don't post demeaning comments or attack anyone's honest emotions. Thank you.
Thinking about this child and giving him or her all the Love and affection he or she needs. His Mother that brought him in the world this way, and I don't feel bad saying that. I will deal with this my way and in my own time, The wife is as much a victim in this as the child, I know you are dealing with this as best you can, there will be good days and bad days. How you feel is just "Fine" Amethyst80, but I encourage you to stay in prayer as it will take forgiveness. What we are dealing with is not easy, and everyday will not be the same,
Adultery hurts everyone involved, those children born in situaitons who are still yet small, Only thrive off a Mother 's Love, So I pray these other woman who have children under these circumstances are loving and caring for there babies as she should be. I do not have hate for any child but I have not found my place in my husbands twins life yet, but one day I know I will and I am going to be Fine with it, Sometimes I feel we push ourselves toward the child to quick before we have even healed ourselves under these circumstances. Just to show our Love for our husband so we won't look like the "bad person" who rejected the child. Like this is suppose to be automactic for us, to accept. But I do know children sense hostiltiy, they sense your feelings toward them. And I know I am not ready to deal with the other child "emotionally yet". We have to suffer thru our emotions, and unfortuntatly the child is included, but we have to learn to discet the situation and pull the innocent child out it, because he/she was born into some mess with parents who were wrong in the first dam place, unitl we put back the pieces of our shattered hearts to give Love, Dont feel bad about how you feel, It will pass. And right now we barely can stand our husband sometimes, for being careless with themselves.
So whatever way you feel,( Feel it,) and Move on to the next day, Life goes on unti you "Grow in Love and may Fall in Love with this child. And this is what I pray will happen to me, when I am there, I will know God has healed me to endure what I will have to live with the rest of my life , My Heartbeat will run flat, and the change of acceptance will have taken place, I don't care what anybody says, This is no easy "Get over yourself situaiton and It takes time to heal, For me as long as the O/W is taken care of her child and not mistreating them I am fine with it, But I am not going to push my way into this child life, to prove to my husband I am not the bitch, Becasue I am right now, and I am mad as Hell, and God knows that I am, and He's working on me, and I am going to give him time to "Heal Me" on the Inside, and some of you need to do the same before trying to be "mommy to children" before you are ready under these circumstances becasue these children will feel your resentment for them, and I don't want to feel this way around my husband outside children. I know this is not there fault they are her, but they are not going anywhwere, So give yourselves time to "Heal" if you are staying in your marriage, And don't worry about what anyone else says. You are a work in progress now, the wires have to be rerouted, and God is working on you. Be patient with yourselves and believe it's going to get better for you again, One day, Have a good week Ladies. I keep you all in prayer, I draw strenght from you knowing that I am not struggling alone in this, but I am getting better.
However, amethyst already has taken that child in her home/care - for whatever reason...for however long...these are her decisions - but since she has made that arrangement (or perhaps it was made for her) this is why we caution to be careful around that baby...to not hate that little one - it is not his fault he is alive...
I 100% agree with you - the OC's mother should take care of that child completely - and in completely - i assert that she should take on ALL responsibility - including financial! She knowingly had an affair with a married man - and after wronging us by disrespecting our marriage - disrespecting us as women ... after being so rediculously selfish...then she makes the decision to have this child (children in your case I see...SOOOO sorry) - giving no input to their father of course...but certainly comes around for financial input when she wants it...hah! so, now my children won't have money for college because she fucked my husband???? does that make sense??? sorry...going on a bit of a tangent here...
I am certainly not quick to say anyone should take the OC in...I'm sure I will eventually have some contact with her - because she is my daughter's sister...and my daughter does not deserve to have a sibling hidden from her...but that won't be for a loooong time. Not until I have made progress in healing myself and my marriage - and certainly not until I have come to terms with the OW...and layed DETAILED ground rules on what this contact will entail. Anyone who thinks you are a "bitch" for that is delusional - you are trying not to hurt anyone else unnecessarily or cause any further pain - to yourself, your marriage or your husband's children...that is HEALTHY :-) .... that is mature and reasonable and sane...( we can only wish our husbands would have had half of that emotional maturity b4 starting all this...) but that is all I was saying when I cautioned amethyst...to be careful not to hurt anyone else...especially not anyone innocent...little...and unaware...
take care...good luck in your journey
However, amethyst already has taken that child in her home/care - for whatever reason...for however long...these are her decisions - but since she has made that arrangement (or perhaps it was made for her) this is why we caution to be careful around that baby...to not hate that little one - it is not his fault he is alive...
I 100% agree with you - the OC's mother should take care of that child completely - and in completely - i assert that she should take on ALL responsibility - including financial! She knowingly had an affair with a married man - and after wronging us by disrespecting our marriage - disrespecting us as women ... after being so rediculously selfish...then she makes the decision to have this child (children in your case I see...SOOOO sorry) - giving no input to their father of course...but certainly comes around for financial input when she wants it...hah! so, now my children won't have money for college because she fucked my husband???? does that make sense??? sorry...going on a bit of a tangent here...
I am certainly not quick to say anyone should take the OC in...I'm sure I will eventually have some contact with her - because she is my daughter's sister...and my daughter does not deserve to have a sibling hidden from her...but that won't be for a loooong time. Not until I have made progress in healing myself and my marriage - and certainly not until I have come to terms with the OW...and layed DETAILED ground rules on what this contact will entail. Anyone who thinks you are a "bitch" for that is delusional - you are trying not to hurt anyone else unnecessarily or cause any further pain - to yourself, your marriage or your husband's children...that is HEALTHY :-) .... that is mature and reasonable and sane...( we can only wish our husbands would have had half of that emotional maturity b4 starting all this...) but that is all I was saying when I cautioned amethyst...to be careful not to hurt anyone else...especially not anyone innocent...little...and unaware...
take care...good luck in your journey
I need to also say that I think NatalieWood's comments were out of line. Certainly, we all know that the OC is a victim here. And we are all good people trying our best with the best of intentions. It sounds like you are angry. That's perfectly normal, but please aim it at something else. Or, better yet, come start a forum to talk about your anger and your pain. We all have that too. Tons of it.
What I did before the OC entered my home is I asked the OW to coffee and we talked. I told her I did not want to be her childs mother. I also said sorry for anything I may have said or done that was out of line and that I was not that type of person to ever take anything out on a child. I wanted her comforetable with the person her baby was going to be around. To this day, she would rather call me then talk to my H. Because she knows I only have her childs best interest in mind.
Bruseheart....My H is still very remorseful. He is trying his hardest to do what ever he has to in order to keep us finacially afloat. He feels bad that he has put our children in a position where they are asking why we have to share their sibling with the ow. He feels bad for the oc, because the ow isn't the kind of woman he would have chosen to father his child. I'm at a point in all of this, where I have moved past the affair and now focus on my marriage and the kids. One thing I'm having a hard time with is that this bitch is actually making money off my husbands back. I am raising 3 kids of my own and I know it doesn't take the amount of money she is getting monthly to raise one child. She has 2 other kids and their father doesn't pay child support so I feel like we are helping her finacially raise her other kids. Is it crazy for me to feel this way? How are things with you Bruseheart?