no stories or advice, but just want to wish you luck!

from experience and everything I've read, most of the time the court sides with the OW. They play the "poor me" thing in court and because they're alone they make it seem like the husband and his "big bad wife" are out to get her. it's sick.

I wish I had good advice. My husband has given $1000 cash or money order from the beginning. We have our own business. Sometimes $10000 is easy to come by and sometimes it can be really tough (when business is slow).

Remember I didn't know about oc until almost 6 years ago when oc was turning 7. During that time he often gave more as she demanded it and would threaten to call me or tell me about the A and oc. Blackmail I suppose.

Once I was aware, he comes to me for advice on certain situations. We are very fare. I base it on a prorada share. Often she makes me than us when business is super slow. The last 2 years we've had some real set backs.

She makes the kid call crying about needing $500 for his sports. Shit like that is wrong. We will pay a portion. If she can't or won't pull it from the $1000 monthly then the oc will have to go without.

If we were to take this to court we would be paying less monthly and full pro radda share would be less.

She knows that and that's why she resorts to tactics like trying to guilt him into money by have the kid call.

Often she makes *more (not me ugggg auto spell)

I'm not a big fan of the court systems but I will be sending you prayers. I pray that the judge in your case goes into this with an open mind and heart. ((hugs and positive thoughts))

Thank you Pink and Jewel.
I just can't think of why she is hiring a private attorney instead of using DHR.

That's one thing I'm thankful about, that the ow in my case doesn't want to deal with the courts. We would save money in the end but the hassle isn't worth it. Plus my husband wants to be fair.

The courts will about 17+% to the first child who files. That's why OW get so much. I think the laws were originally set up to protect a first wife and kids after divorce. Unfortunately in these situations like ours it screws the wife.

In our state the first child gets 20%. The OC was born in between my oldest and my youngest, so the OC got 20% of what was left of my husbands net income after my oldest. We pay well over $1000 per month, got stuck with the OW attorney bills and have to pay for daycare. I've lost all faith in the court systems. On the bright side though, she can no longer black mail us for more money because everything is court ordered.

Our OW plays the "poor me" card big time. She's never supported herself. Her own parents have all but disowned her for hitting them up for money one too many times. Now that the bitch has moved out of state and we finally went to court, we're supposed to meet halfway for visitation exchanges. The bitch claims she can't afford it. I know we can go back to court but it's such a hassle. I felt ok around OC the first time I saw her, but it was for a short visit. Now that it's for longer, I feel really awkward. I know it's not her fault, but I don't like the reminder of the betrayal and all of her mother's scheming. I guess I'll get used to it after things get kind of routine. I still refuse to let my coworkers know. As far as they know, we went out of state for other reasons. That's true, seeing OC was an added "bonus", but I don't ever want to deal with feeling their pity for being in my situation. I'd pity someone in this situation. That said, I chose to stay and I feel like I'd feel worse if I left, so I really need to pull up my big girl pants.
I was reading some really old posts on this site from about 5 or so years ago. One of the ladies said whenever she heard of a car crash she wished it was the OW. I had to laugh out loud because I've wished the same thing! Maybe someday.... She's a wretched driver.

It's an ongoing process. It took me over a year from meetingoc to him visiting my house and another few months before he slept over. If your feeling awkward you could stay busy during the visits. Running errands and such. I did that and sometimes still do.

Thanks, Pink. I like the keeping busy, doing errands approach if necessary. I tried a variation. We were out of town for the visit and I got my own hotel room because I didn't want to be awakened by someone else's child. Plus, when I started feeling annoyed, I went to my own room.

I was always the parent on duty for our children. I think this is some of my issue with OC besides the whole betrayal, etc. H was never involved much. He liked having children, but was never involved much until I went back to work, and then it was short-lived. He was working out of town, so I sent one of the kids to stay with him and he finally engaged, but she was 4 by then. When he came back, things were back to normal. I was working and parenting full time and he was working and parenting when convenient for him.

When the kids were little, there were days he'd spend 5 minutes or less with them. I had to drop out of a college class I was taking when I went back to school to get a different degree because he couldn't be counted on to watch one of my toddlers twice a week for a couple of hours at a time when he wasn't even working at the time. It's hard not being resentful watching him fight to be involved when he could have been more involved with our kids but chose not to. At the same time, I know if OC were around all the time, he'd treat her the same as he did ours, but it's easier for him to be involved when it's for very short periods of time.

Once again, time for the big girl panties.

Wow I think you just described my husband. He was and often still is an "unplugged" man. He's a workoholic. I have to remind him to engage with our kids or say "hey hon your daughter/son is talking to you".

He goes through phases where he is more involved but I'm really the 24/7 parent. I deal with all things parenting. The most involved be was, was when he lived in our rental home. The kids came in Saturdays and do did oc. He actually had no choice and was doing great.

I have come to accept it. He grew up in a screwed up culture or at least very different than mine. Family was not the same. Grandparents and nannies took in the primary role of care taker. His father left when he was very young and didn't reappear until he was an adult.

Crazy sometimes how similar they all are.

to All re: Co-Dependent, Cheating Cowards!!

auntiann, you've been 'played', just like me!

That's why I am here.