spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
My husband became involved in an emotional affair with a coworker sometime around Oct. '17... at least that's when I noticed something was off. She is also married and was pregnant at the time, so my husband made me feel like I had lost my mind even suggesting that he was cheating. Things continued to get worse between us, and he began displaying classic affair behaviors... working more, hiding his phone, changing passwords... Eventually he left me in March '18.
Pretty much immediately after leaving me, he began a sexual relationship with her (I know because he told me). He also got an apartment that she moved into after leaving her husband. He only lived with her for a couple weeks when he came to me and told me he regretted everything, but that she is pregnant. I may be crazy, but I love my husband and I want our marriage to work. We've been back together for about a month now, and he has been completely transparent about everything.
My concern is this pregnancy and resulting child. I'm not entirely sure how to cope with this situation, or how to tell my family. They have accepted my husband back, but I'm not really sure how they will feel about this child. The OW continues to contact my husband, sending ultrasound pictures and such. She has also threated to try and get his rights taken away from him. He doesn't want this child, but he also doesn't want to be a deadbeat dad. He and I both agree that we need to be responsible for it (I say it because we don't yet know the gender), but I also want the OW to stay out of our lives. Not sure how to have both of those simultaneously... Anyone been through something like this? What did you do? Thanks.
Now there is a way, if you guys do chose to have contact, to get around seeing the OW. You can have a neutral party drop the OC off at your home instead of her. Just keep in mind as the child gets older, he or she will be telling the OW everything that is happening in your home and will be telling her personal information about your family that you might not want her to know. This is the reason we have no contact. It will be keeping us and the affair in the for front of her mind and she's mentally unstable when it comes to me, my kids and our marriage.
Others on here have managed to incorporate the OC into their lives and are doing just fine. They have some hiccups along the way but they've been able to work through them. They are happy in their decision and it's working out. For us personally and with our situation, our marriage would not of survived with the OC in the picture. We are stronger now than we were even last year. It took us years and a lot of counseling and therapy to get to this point but we did it. We are now 7 years out from discovery. We pay $1200 per month in child support and we have an order of protection that we have to get extended every year but no regrets for the choices we made for us and our marriage.
There are no right or wrong answers. People will judge you and your husband and all the decisions you make. Ignore it. You have to do what's best for you both as a couple and no one knows the inner workings of your relationship like you guys do. You both have to agree and stand by each other with whatever decision you make. If you're not comfortable with something, talk to your husband about that concern. Put it all out there because once the decision is made on what to do, you have follow through and support that decision. It would not be fair to either of you if one of you changed your mind and demanded the other spouse be on board with a decision that wasn't part of the mutual agreement to begin with.
The OW will take your husband to court for child support. Be prepared to have a large portion of his income go towards the care of that child. Not only child support, but insurance, daycare and other misc expenses. It can get financially expensive.
This whole situation is heart breaking, confusing and scary. Just know that you are not alone and no matter what you guys decide, there is a way to work through it. NONE of it will be easy but if you both love each other and have a mutual respect for each others feelings and concerns, I can say from experience, it will be worth it in the end. Best of luck to you. Sending hugs!
I'm one of the ones who managed to incorporate the child. Each situation is very different. I didn't find out about the oc until he was 6years old and the affair was long over. Hubby and I were separated as well when he confessed.
Some advice I fan offer is to consider legal separation and file for child support, if you have any children. Your children will get the highest percentage if you file first.
If you don't have children, I'm not sure if the legal separation pretects your income. I advise you look into that.
As far as telling your family, I can tell you what I did. Part of my requirements for giving hima second chance was that he had to (on his own) tell each of my siblings and my dad. He also had to ask for their forgiveness.
Now, as far as me having oc in my life? It was a long process that came with bumps, tears, and doubts. The difference for me is that hubby already had developed a relationship with oc. I wasn't in a position to ask him to choose.
I knew that, at minimum, I had to accept some level of relationship between him and his son, if I wanted to give hima second chance.
Deciding if, and/or, I would be able to be a part of that relationship remained one of the big unknowns. I took everything in baby steps. We lived separately for over a year while we worked through it all.
My kids were told about 6 months after me discovering and aweek after me meeting him.
My story began in 2010. Today, oc is a normal part of our lives. We see him much less this past year because he's in hs and has a whole teen life social and school schedule. It's kinda nice, ain't gonna lie.
Oh, did I mention that my youngest and oc are the same age? Yea, more fun to add to my situation lol
I'm giving you an abbreviated story. Even if it doesn't appear abbreviated lol
I hope you finda place in all of this shit that gives you some clarity.