Prayers said, thoughts sent. Good luck! Our first court appearance was not good, but hubs hadn't told his attorney all of the dirt on the whore. I made a LIST and gave it to him so if we go up again and her attorney tries to make it sound like she's the victim, our attorney has some ammunition.

You're lucky hubs doesn't want contact. After being on this journey for a couple of years, I think that would be best until the child is an adult. Then they can seek contact if they choose. It's not OC's fault, but it's not our kids' fault either. And it's such an awkward thing and causes more contact with the whore. My coworkers still don't know.

Redi, I thought you had contact. I guess I'm getting my facts mixed up but I thought there was some type of visitation set up. Either way I hope today goes well.

I understand your sense of commitment. But the trust is broken. Just be careful and be true to yourself. You can't change him.

He's seen the child.

Thanks Aunt and Pink.
We went and our attorneys worked everything out with the judge, we didn't even go into the court room and we never saw her. I doubt she made the drive after all.
Good news is that the judge did give my H credit for our girls. Bad news is that her income increased enough to put us in a higher cost bracket, her child care expenses increased too. Also, she took out a health insurance policy so we had to pay for some of that. All in all we are paying more than was estimated before but I'm at peace with it. At least it's fair... according to the law at least.
She got the only things she really wanted: a kid and someone else's money to help raise it.
I got my marriage and my family back whole. It's a very steep price we are paying but the empowerment I feel and the closeness that my H and I feel with one another is priceless and I'm so thankful for that every day. It's just money... money doesn't fill your soul.

dmd, I'm really sorry that you feel the way you do. I can't imagine your pain. You really should let it go though and help yourself move on. You are no longer a victim so stop pitying yourself and take charge of your life.
Contrary to what you "believe " your opinions are not helpful. Please find a real way to help others in a meaningful way. Your negative, anonymous sharing of experience is only self destructive.
When you let go and move on the good of life will come to you. All of this is just mudding up your soul.

I'm glad your happy with the outcome. Are you planning to set up any visitation or is it going to be NC? If you choose contact, my advice is to take it very very slow and at a pace you feel comfortable with.

I made the mistake of sometimes biting off a bit more than I could chew and found myself taking steps back here and there. If you choose NC, there are many here who can guide you through that path. Both paths come with work and both are viable respectable choices.

Time to exhale for now.

Exhale indeed. We are just focusing on each other and the budget now. We've been sending some money but nothing regular. That is his main concern, how are we going to function day to day.

Like I said, she moved back to her home state which is 10 hours away. She made it very clear that she wasn't going to let me anywhere near her child and since my husband and I agree that HE has no contact with HER that would've been a very tough battle even before all of this legal stuff was established. We decided to wait and see what happens. We don't believe in all of this 'emotional rights' BS. (Another story for another day)

We are going to get all of the financials regular and perhaps in a year or so we will file for visitation. We would probably require that she meet us half way since the child was conceived here. I don't know how that works... I really don't want to right now. I want everything to settle a bit before we recharge it. We still pray every day that God puts a miracle in her life... a husband for her and a father for her child. We want to give that miracle a little time and space and peace for that to happen. Maybe if someone comes along she will more likely take it deeper if we are out of sight and out of mind.

We don't want the child to suffer more than necessary at our hands. We are happy right now and we want to keep it that way.

Pink, I thank you so much for your shared experiences. All of this has been very helpful... even the trolls! :)

Red, that was a very aggressive bite back at me. I am only expressing my feelings on here. I'm sorry if you feel I have impressed doubt in you. You are the one that needs to accept what has happened and see reality as it is and take down the smoke screen. You can imagine my pain because you are feeling it. The difference is I chose to be true to myself. Keep your opinion to yourself if you are going to attack me. Thanks.

dmd, I wish you would evolve. I wish you would find a place to really help. I wish you would be more humble. I wish that you would accept that you married the wrong person. I wish you would accept that I married the right person for me. I wish that you would acknowledge that there may be people in the world who are more evolved and emotionally mature than you... people who are strong enough to not get swallowed by the pain of the situation. I wish that you would credit me with being one of those people.

You will not, however, and I'm 'beating a dead horse.'

No more, get a life.

No response required on this one buddy. Wow. You put yourself out there in the evolving thing. Good luck on Jupiter.

sometimes, some people cant always 'bury their own heads in the sand', let alone allow their "signifigant other' to do it as well.
I am intrigued with the conversations on this website re: life/people/truth-non truth, fact/fiction... & how each person handles it.
to me: wrong is wrong! cheating liars are just that: cheating liars> scathing thru a mine field of their own creation.
I believe they need to be held accountable for their actions towards loved ones: wife/children.
I dont want to have to work at 'paying for my spouses mistakes'!
I live on planet EARTH!

As do I.
I will try to explain to you why and how I have a great life in spite of the situation.

I have witnessed a few really beautiful marriages where the husband and wife stayed very much in love and respectful and prosperous until the end of life. Being a rational and intelligent person, myself, I want that kind of marriage and I will do what it takes to have it.

Those marriages held up because of faith. They followed their religious teachings and put each other's needs above their own. They prioritized God and their families and not one individual ever was a selfish person.

In the eyes of God a sin is a sin is a sin. No one sin is worse than any other.

In my marriage my husband sinned by going outside of our marriage to seek comfort, he was coping. That is a combination of sin and weakness.

I sinned by lying and being lazy and generally not providing him with what he needed.

You seem to be placing a bigger value to one sin over the other. Because I am a person of faith I will not do that.

Factually, his sin causes more financial damage but my continued weakness causes more emotional damage daily. I'm not a great housekeeper and I'm not the most fiscally responsible wife. For my husband, these are daily challenges to his psyche. But he manages his behavior toward me and doesn't 'punish ' me emotionally or financially because of it. He loves me and treats me respectfully and trusts that I have my relationship with God, our marriage, and family as my priorities.

In return for his grace towards me daily for the aforementioned I choose to be gracious toward him. I forgave him of his betrayal and, therefore, cannot in good conscious remind him of it daily. I don't wake up every morning and remind him of what he did and reprimand him for it. I don't bargain and demand that he prove himself every day.

I DON'T ACT LIKE A VICTIM!!!!!!!!

I think that is where so many go wrong. I don't remind him and act poor and pitiful and I don't throw it in his face when I feel defensive or angry. I don't use his sin to get leverage for myself. It would be a disaster for me to try and benefit from it myself.

I am not selfish. I do not demand anything. I do not expect anything. I do not require anything.

I handle myself. I handle what my family needs and what my husband needs. I try to speak his 'love language' regularly and I do have to remind him to speak mine. Knowing the differences between men and women emotionally and their communication skills it does not bother me to have to do it. (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus would be a good book to read if you have difficulty accepting that.)

I try to remain humble. I know that as passionately as I feel about having my needs met... he probably feels just as passionately about having his own needs met.

I will say, however, that he is naturally unselfishly and very generous. He has never been vain or self-indulgent. That is why I knew that the affair wasn't about lust or love. The affair, in his case, was about self punishment and escape.

I made a promise to forgive and stay married til death and since I want a good life and marriage I use my intelligence and strength and imagination to make that happen.

My husband and I had far more to lose by separating. What would we have gained?
I would be a single mother with no help at all. I would have to abandon my dreams and plans in favor of working more to pay my bills. I would have to live in a crap apartment and drive a crap car and not be able to treat some of my own medical conditions. All to gain what? Well, I would gain independence from someone who, for a short time, put his own weakness and needs above God's, mine, and our children's needs.
I would be free to pursue happiness and look for love elsewhere.
But wait, I would have to worry about whether I can trust them or not. You probably don't trust anyone anymore. Men are probably nothing but lying scumbags in your opinion and all of them are good for nothing and not worth your time and energy. I mean, shit, who cares about sex and all of the wonderful benefits of it (Google it if you're confused.) Speaking of sex, how many sexual predators are in the world today? Did you see the Facebook video of the woman telling about how her new husband sexually assaulted her teenage daughter?
No thank you to the single life, especially as a mother of girls.

What would my girls gain and benefit from it? Well at least here, in the South, our divorce agreements decree that my ex-husband cannot have a female sleep over while our minor children are present. Haha, jokes on me in that case. Everyone would lose. See? Because when he moved from my home he moved into hers. Financially it made better sense for them. Eventhough they did not love each other they were both somewhat rational people and my husband's need to be a good father led him to believe that was the best option.
I know that was stupid and he does too, but desperation and depravity make people do really stupid things.
So, on his court-appointed days with our girls he would take them to his new place if we were to get divorced. Who would be there? The whole, that's who. Oh, wouldn't that be fun? I'm sure my girls would learn so many wonderful things from her!!

I really don't see single motherhood and my girl's having the OW in their life as great or even acceptable.

I know you don't give a shit about my husband's happiness but since I do and our children do I will tell you that none of this made him happy. We had a beautiful relationship built on sturdy, solid ground. He loved me through it all and he started dying and withering as soon as the affair began (which fuels it). And, though you think I should not care, I am smart enough to know that he couldn't possibly be a great father like that. I love my girls and I want them to have a great father.

So for everyone that is what you would want for me to do? You think that independence and the death of my marriage is worth all of that^?

Well, I don't think so. Weighing my options and assessing the situation, I determined that with the right attitude and goals and behavior I could salvage my marriage, thus saving myself, my husband, and our girls.

I knew it would take intelligence, support, faith, prayer, and communication. But AnyWonder, I'm no wuss and I'm not a failure. I took the challenge on head first!
Because if it worked myou life would benefit exponentially and if I failed I could at least say that I tried.

So if you have read any of my other posts you will see that it has all worked out. I demanded that we go to church, seek individual and couple's therapy, that he worship me, and that he have NO COMMUNICATION WITH THE OTHER WOMAN!
while worshiping me didn't work out as a demand (God doesn't want that and it's not a realistic demand) he does. He thanks me everyday. Not just for forgiving him but for having the wisdom to do it, and the faith to trust God, and prioritizing our family, and being a good example for our daughters, and being gracious and fair toward the other woman and their child. He is a changed man who believes in the redeeming power of God and sees its importance and benefits. He leads by example and we are all better for it. He gets in droves refunded what he does well. He puts out good and gets great. He prays every night with our girls and he prays for me.

That change has made it easy to stay on track. He speaks my love language effortlessly and I respond. He benefits from my response and keeps speaking my love language so I feel great and loved and happy.

As tiresome as it is sometimes to explain all of this to you and others it is a delight as well. It reminds me of the suffering, the struggle, and the reward! It reminds me that God works everything for good. It reminds me that people can change. It reminds me that I CAN DO ANYTHING!

Most importantly, sharing my story over and over gives me a way to use my story as my testimony. I don't want the new people who join this group to believe that it's not worth holding on. I want them to believe that if they accept the challenge they have a greater probability of success than if they walk away.

I want people who are in this group already to believe too.

You and other naysayers have done me well in other ways too. Not to diminish your choice outright I have to accept that some people just marry the wrong people. That, for whatever reason, some people aren't emotionally smart enough to determine what is and what is not a healthy relationship. I pity those and I know that they will probably never find happiness like mine. Are you one of those people? If so, that's OK!

What is not ok is for you and people like you coming into these groups and telling peoplease how weak and wrong they are. That is not for you to say! We are here to find support and support one another. Your replies are unwelcome and damaging.

Your comments only make my commitment and faith stronger. But not everyone is resilient as I am. I am strong and happy and have a great story. I am caring and smart and imaginative.

Regardless of what people post on here I don't forsee myself ever suggesting separation or divorce. If I can't know the whole story I won't comment. If the post is all sorrow I won't comment.

I want you and the other naysayers to find a real way of helping yourselves. You must think you are 'saving' people. You are not. You need to look in the mirror and figure a way to save and redeem yourself.

Really you're no better than the other women we all despise. You make bad choices and pity yourselves. You want to blame other's for your unhappiness. And you only want to bring unhappiness to others.

Are you the 'other woman'?
Are you targeting a specific member of this forum in hopes she will leave her spouse and you get him?

Do you think I sound paranoid?
We've all seen that stranger things have happened than that.

I hope you read and respond to this comment, but most of all I hope that it gives someone hope.

Many miracles have happened because of my choice and my efforts. I'll happily pray with others who want the same...
Even you!!!!!

I wish DS would get a Like button like Facebook. I very much enjoyed reading your detailed inner working and mental process, there. It's an amazing thing to see why people have their differences in beliefs and opinions. I definitely respect your stance and reasoning after that read.

thank you. I know it was a lot to read.

It has been a humbling process, especially to read about everyone here's journey. I know yours is the most bizarre of all.

I think about you ladies every day and you are all in my prayers.

I'm glad to have found this group but, like I've said before, I am glad I found my own way before I did.