Wow that's tough. We don't do full on Christmas with oc. Makes it much easier. It sounds like your situation went from zero to 60 in 2.5 seconds. That can be part of the problem. It might be a good idea to step back a bit. Let your husband spend some one on one time with these boys. Take ad much opportunity to have genuine talks with themas possible. Get their feedback and create a sleeping arrangement that works. Maybe one of those cheap futon bunks for them.

Let them have a set of drawers with their stuff. Tell them they csn choose a few special items to keep for themselves when they visit but that all other toys are shared play. My oc has 2 ottoman bins here with his "stuff". I bought him a few pairs of pj and undies, socks and a couple of outfits etc.. whenever he leaves something here it goes in his bins. They are off limits. His space, his belongings. Its a boundary that makes himfeel he's gota place here.

The sleeping arrangements have always been tough. He's very jealous and competitive with my son. Always wanting atleast "as much" if not a bit more. Its probably our biggest issue. My husband had always been in his life, so parenting and reprimanding is not an issue. Infact i dont do much (if any) teal parenting for the first year. I was barely around.

Their whole world has been turned insideout and all thru know is what their mother tells them. I think your involvement should be minimal until your H can establish a bond and boundries.

We do christmas eve with my H side that's where oc exchanges with my kids. He then sleeps at home and opend with his mom in the morning, as our kids open with us and exchange with eachother. Then the next sleepover he opens what we got him. That's the last 2 years since hubby moved back in. Prior to that we did a christams eve at hubbys with gifts for all kids plus full sibling exchange. My kids did very well those years lol. Its taken a, while to find a good groive. The oc gets decent gifts but less then mine. We used to give ow money to get him stuff and 2 years in a row i over shopped and sent a couple gifts to his mom (via hubby) for her to give.

I try and make it easier for them. They each have a plastic set of drawers with clothes that I've bought them. My son has a bunk bed with a full bed on bottom but most of the time, he refuses to sleep with them so makes a pallett on the floor. We are in the process of building on an extra room for them so our son can have his room back.
I guess you're right, it's gonna take a lot of time. It doesn't help much though when BM refers to my H as Mr. XXX instead of Dad. Everytime he calls them, she will say boys, Mr. XXX is on the phone and she will NOT allow them to have a private conversation with him. She puts it on speakerphone and tells them how to answer. They act completely different in front of her

Let this move slower. That just my opinion. We were in the fortunate situation when oc came into our (me and my children's) lives to be living in separate houses. It really made the transition much better. My kids had the option not to go over on Saturdays and the rooms were immediately set up with him as an equal visitor as my kids.

As time went on and he realized that we were a unit he started with jealousy. There are still issues especially since I have a son his age. They get along great but at the same time they are competitive with eachother.

If you can have them over for a visit Where you can offer your son the option to not be there. It might give him some control over it. Also maybe your husband taking them to dinner and giving them the option to stop back at the house or go straight home.

The ow created a, situation by not telling anybody about the paternity of these boys, that will result in a lot of resentment and fear. You are being very supportive and I give you tons of credit. Even though I have found acceptance and a way to bring oc into our family, I did it at a very slow pace.