SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
so i guess in his eyes i fucked up. that's what he's telling me. maybe asking about how he feels about having a friend that i was once involved with briefly eight years ago (and we are still friends but never were anything more, it was a drunken night) participate in a project we are working on together is never the right thing to do if my lover shows signs of having a mood/personality disorder and abandonment fears.
i don't think i fucked up. i wanted to know how he felt about the idea. not that i was considering it if he didn't like it. i don't know what he went through when i brought it up. maybe in his mind the guy joins the project and he and i have an affair, or i leave my boyfriend for him. does a whole scenario play out like that? or is it the thought of this person that is a reminder that i haven't always only been his?
and so then there is the outburst. i said i was sorry that what i said caused him so much pain. but i didn't agree with him that i was the bad person he was saying i am, because it wasn't my intention to hurt him. he said some pretty messed up things, called me tasteless names, told me "fuck you" and waved his middle finger in my face. i want to fight back, but then i just see this big child when he does this. like a big temper tantrum. i don't mean to be insensitive to his situation, but i have to be sensitive to my own, so i just told him not to talk to me that way and that i didn't have the energy for this. i went out to walk the dogs, and he took off. we exchanged a couple texts and i did my best to validate, not blame, to ask him to tell me what he is experiencing, and reassure him i would be at home. i am trying to be neutral but really i am so frustrated. i know that this is what i signed up for, but i needed a place where i could tell people that i have the pointless and selfish wish that he would just grow up...
i don't think i fucked up. i wanted to know how he felt about the idea. not that i was considering it if he didn't like it. i don't know what he went through when i brought it up. maybe in his mind the guy joins the project and he and i have an affair, or i leave my boyfriend for him. does a whole scenario play out like that? or is it the thought of this person that is a reminder that i haven't always only been his?
and so then there is the outburst. i said i was sorry that what i said caused him so much pain. but i didn't agree with him that i was the bad person he was saying i am, because it wasn't my intention to hurt him. he said some pretty messed up things, called me tasteless names, told me "fuck you" and waved his middle finger in my face. i want to fight back, but then i just see this big child when he does this. like a big temper tantrum. i don't mean to be insensitive to his situation, but i have to be sensitive to my own, so i just told him not to talk to me that way and that i didn't have the energy for this. i went out to walk the dogs, and he took off. we exchanged a couple texts and i did my best to validate, not blame, to ask him to tell me what he is experiencing, and reassure him i would be at home. i am trying to be neutral but really i am so frustrated. i know that this is what i signed up for, but i needed a place where i could tell people that i have the pointless and selfish wish that he would just grow up...
i don't think that i really could have known that his reaction would be this severe (he's been isolating over 24hours and he is spending the night somewhere else and i don't know where), but i'm beating myself up over this. i don't have any experience with bpd prior to being with him. in fact, i really had no idea this condition existed. somehow i guess i am equating improvements in our relationship to improvements in his condition. some part of me is not quite accepting that this part of him is permanent. but it's also hard for me to do when he refuses to consider that he may have bpd or something similar. i want to be on his side, but i think he's wrong here. and pressing him to get help only drives him away. what do you think i should do to keep myself in check with the reality of my situation? should i just reread this site's postings and my journal entries once a week? make myself a list of aspects of his condition that i know to be concrete triggers and memorize them and add to them when necessary? does anyone have any book recommendations for the bpd's partner?
i think i've been doing a good job at diffusing potentially explosive situations, but there haven't been any serious triggers that would bring up the issue of abandonment until this last one. so it feels like i'm getting pretty good at handling the little stuff, and there just hasn't been much big stuff around.
i feel so stupid, i went out and bought stuff to make for dinner, enough for the both of us, and i called him and left him a message saying i hoped he would come back and i was going to make dinner and that i missed him so much. and of course he texts me back and says he isn't coming back tonight. this is the second night in a row he'll be gone and it's just so fucking hard to deal with this feeling of missing him and worrying. and was my telling him i hoped he'd come home something he could use to hurt me? so if i hadn't said anything maybe he would have come home??!!
my phone just made a couple of incoming text sounds and i started bawling without even looking to see if they were from him. i'm so sad, i miss him so much. i've started calling myself the time-traveler's wife.
why is this happening to me? why is this happening to HIM?