this is what i have learned from my own experiences:

validate your bpd SO's feelings when he/she is expressing a fear. listen and try to understand these feelings with an objective perspective, and be honest with your partner that you are doing, or trying to do, this. if you can't relate to the fears of your partner for this particular situation, try to come up with a way in which you CAN relate, perhaps by offering a similar scenario in which you would have a comparable emotional reaction. most of us have the same or similar feelings with certain triggers, it's just that our bpds cannot regulate these feelings as well as we may be able. from what i have experienced, any way in which i was able to show my partner that i not only understood his feelings, but also have them within myself, has helped him to avoid feeling like there is something wrong with him. which, in turn, keeps him from feeling like he needs to protect himself, which keeps him from feeling that i am attacking him, which keeps him from spiraling into the flip side where i become his enemy and he says vicious and venomous things and we don't speak for days. which is why i say it makes a difference on both ends!

however, this method of approaching your bpd's fears of abandonment or need for validation of a delicate sense of self DO take practice,and both parties must be willing to acknowledge the efforts required on both parties. so, if you or your partner don't feel up to it, or if even just one of you doesn't, then this probably isn't going to work.

this group doesn't get much action anymore, since members so often come and go, but since i discovered it just trying to find some information on how i could be with my boyfriend, i thought it might serve the same purpose to someone else in need to make this post...