I am sorry to read the above.....but being in a similar situation, I applaud your decision to move out and hopefully 'recover' from the verbal, and emotional abuse that you have encountered. Rest in knowing that you can't fix it.... you can't do anything more than what you have already done. When you began to notice that you are fading in order to save a relationship that may not be worth saving.... you'll no longer recognize yourself.
He too needs to put in the work if he wants your relationship to work....if not? Began your recovery from being in a toxic relationship as you had been....

<<Hugs>>

thanks, turah74. i am really looking forward to having my own place again. i still have hope for our relationship, but since it is such an unusual situation, we are gonna have to skip the contemporary ways that "normal" couples do it.
here's to hoping... :/

I relate to what you're saying about the situation being unique. All the stuff my partner did would be considered deal-breaking behavior for a normal person, wouldn't it? Everyone tells me he is abusive. They don't understand the disorder, and many don't know because I've kept it private to protect him.

with regards to keeping it private, there was one time when i didn't, and confided in someone who blew it out of proportion and tried to have some sort of intervention under the assumption (and correspondingly blathering to everyone) that i was dating a physically abusive pervert, which i was not... so, yeah, being with a pwbpd puts a person in a painfully solitary predicament.

moving out did wonders for me. i no longer had to worry when he blew up whether or not it was the last time, and where was i gonna go, how was i gonna try and get my own place..? he left last week, moving up north. we still keep in touch, exchange i love you's and i miss you's and tidbits about our lives in texts. i miss him so much, but i would rather have this pain than the pain of suppressing who i was and still being punished for it... i have hope, but i don't have expectation...

You know, what you said about hope and expectation really rings true for me.

I read somewhere "expectations ruin everything", and I have found that to be true in many respects. I think that's why Buddhists say "let go of desire" etc....

aha.... and my boyfriend has such high expectations of everyone and everything.

you know what's weird, is he's such a carefree and adventurous guy, but when he and i would go do something together, he would get really stiff, and always seemed like he was trying to make everything happen perfectly. and when it didn't, like if we couldn't find a good restaurant or we got stuck in a few minutes of traffic or anything along those lines, i had to keep my mouth shut, because if i said anything like "let's just relax" or "this place is good enough for me," i was somehow being invalidating. because those expectations, man! they ruined our time together!! pssshhhh, and he says he relates to buddhism. he better keep studying, then! ;)

I'm sorry about what you went through. On his end, what he would have had to go through is the same thing as what I have been going through which is to learn to live with insecurity.

My therapist says that she doesn't believe that I am borderline, but I feel that I am. I still feel those awful clutches about "I hate you don't leave me."

No, see. He has to realize that once you are at your lowest, you have NOWHERE TO GO.

TAKING RESPONSIBLITY CAN BE VERY FRIGHTENING. VERY VERY
GROWING UP IS SCARY, TOO.

I know. I'm 44 with the maturity of a 23 year old. I'm scared crapless, but I KNOW that to GET BETTER this road that the Universe/God put me on is THE RIGHT ONE.

I know where he is and I can feel what he feels but the borderline has to realize that once he or she gets a good partner then no matter how much they get on our nerves, sometimes we have to bite the bullet and behave. It is DIFFICULT, but yea...see he should have been more responsive because you were trying to HELP HIM.

I'd like to "friend" you. You appear to be a valuable resource.

hi achala, thanks for your friendship and your input!

sometimes i feel as though he will never take responsibility, but in some rare moments, he seems to trust me enough to acknowledge his problem. he is not diagnosed, nor will he ever be, nor does he often come close to admitting that he may have bpd. i think he is what "stop walking on eggshells" referred to as highly functioning borderline personality disorder. he's 43, i'm 31, and he's soooo intelligent (that's not to say that i'm not, btw), which makes him a master manipulator. if only he could read what you have written and take it to heart. i really want to tell him "look, it's very clear you've had these problems in your past relationships, and that all of these problems aren't simply my fault. so perhaps you could realize that you have someone who can and WILL continue to love you through all of the difficulties, someone who you love in return, and someone who you find attractive and interesting, to boot!" but i may never get that far with him. we'll see...

today i realized it is possible for him to isolate from me even when he is 1080miles away. i'm trying not to let it affect my weekend, but i know it will. i'm fairly certain he was triggered by something i talked about that was upsetting me. not something about him, but something that had the potential to trigger him. long story short, i was trying to get in as a vocalist for a band, am very qualified for the project, but a man got the spot instead. there's more to it than that, but i left out the details that would upset him (as if they weren't upsetting enough already to me). i could have not told him i was upset about this, but he's my partner, he's someone i share my thoughts and feelings with. this is what couples do. i could have stuffed my feelings and found out later that he wouldn't have gotten upset with me for sharing them. and then had him get upset with me that i don't share my feelings with him! damned if i do, damned if i don't. the difference is, now, i'm not acting out of fear. but his reactions still hurt...

achala, i think you are doing great! being able to acknowledge one's own issues is commendable, even more so than being or always trying to be "perfect." thanks for your kind words. :)