SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
his aunt passed away a few days ago. while i feel deeply for his loss, i am scared for myself. there has already been one episode tonight where that look came over his face, the one where i expect hatred to drip off of it, and fear the harsh words. they didn't come, but there was still the blame. he went to a coda meeting. i don't know what to expect when he comes back...
i've just been so stressed lately. i need to talk to him about what i need to do to take care of myself. but i'm so afraid of what it will bring. i have a band, and he's in it, but i have the whole thing on hold until i talk to him. i know that's not his fault. that's my choice. i feel so bleak, but i am so scared of what is going to happen when i say my piece. because if he says it's over this time, i don't think i have the strength to fight for him anymore. it doesn't mean i don't love him more than i've ever loved anyone, it just means i'm out of options.
just when i think i am ready to talk to him, something comes up that tells me it isn't a good time, like valentines day, or a death in the family, or some important event we had planned is the next day and i don't want a huge fight to fuck up something i've been looking forward to.
WHEN?! when can we talk? i feel like i'm waiting for the make or break point of the relationship, but i'm stuck in the making it work while i am breaking inside. i need a break. somebody, please, whatever's out there calling the shots, cut me a break here!
i've just been so stressed lately. i need to talk to him about what i need to do to take care of myself. but i'm so afraid of what it will bring. i have a band, and he's in it, but i have the whole thing on hold until i talk to him. i know that's not his fault. that's my choice. i feel so bleak, but i am so scared of what is going to happen when i say my piece. because if he says it's over this time, i don't think i have the strength to fight for him anymore. it doesn't mean i don't love him more than i've ever loved anyone, it just means i'm out of options.
just when i think i am ready to talk to him, something comes up that tells me it isn't a good time, like valentines day, or a death in the family, or some important event we had planned is the next day and i don't want a huge fight to fuck up something i've been looking forward to.
WHEN?! when can we talk? i feel like i'm waiting for the make or break point of the relationship, but i'm stuck in the making it work while i am breaking inside. i need a break. somebody, please, whatever's out there calling the shots, cut me a break here!
Could you write him a letter, and be elsewhere when he reads it? That way he wouldn't be able to just cut you off mid sentence. There probably won't ever be a 'good time' to talk- you need to take care of yourself, and if that means talking, do it.
a letter is a good idea. i've thought about that, but because he might interpret what i have to say as giving an ultimatum, and therefore find it threatening, i want to be able to reassure him that i am fully invested...
but yeah, it's a good idea to pad both sides of the issues i must address.
i told him that i had been afraid to talk to him about these things because i was afraid that he would become angry. this actually seemed to make him MORE sensitive and attuned to what i was telling him. i'm so proud of both of us.
therapy has really helped me to realize that if i am to be in this relationship, it can't be about comparison to someone who is "mentally well." it's just me and him, not me and who i think he should be. i am also learning that his unpredictable rage is actually fairly predictable, and preventable with intense validation mixed with being responsible for my own feelings.
whoa i sound like a frickin book!