SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
A thread from Quora
How Does a Person with BPD Affect You
In A Relationship With a Person with BPD
"It's like you’re living in an alternate reality, first they’re your best friend, closest confidante and ally, have all the same interests as you and become a huge part of your life very quickly, little things start to happen that make you think, like they say a lot and make a lot of promises to be there but they never actually are, the little moods start, the passive aggressiveness, you ask what’s wrong…’nothing’ and the frosty silence for no reason, the little glimpses of their face twisting when you say something innocent that triggers them into a jealous rage, or a silent mood…
The next thing they’re screaming off their head that you’re an abuser and that you’ve twisted them and abused them, that you’re out to get them, lying to them, cheating on them, talking about them(in my experience when they’re the ones doing all of these things) and you’re sitting there sipping your cup of tea with your mouth in an O in disbelief, while they’re screaming, SCREAMING at you that YOU need to calm down and then suddenly they’re the victim of something which seems to turn out to be that THEY went along with all of your thoughts, feelings, opinions, likes, dislikes to try and please you and trap you and suddenly they can’t or don’t want to maintain that charade anymore…and somehow they manage to convince themselves that you brainwashed them into doing that but you had absolutely no idea, you thought you were just having a friendship with someone who liked the same things as you, and the next thing you’re a monster and the sweet, happy, fun person you met hates your guts and you ruined their life when all you did was be there for them, give them a job, help them out and stand up for them and never lie to them, whilst behind your back they were paranoid, lying, untrustworthy wrecks that think everyone in the world is out to get them…and your whole friendship or relationship dissolves into a fiery ball of hell and they run off with another hero and then you get an e-mail from them six months later saying they’re so sorry and that you were right, that all those hurtful things they did to you were really them trying to help you or something like that and you’re like, but no wait those things you did were compulsive abusive behaviours that you have no conscious awareness of, like when you started flirting with my boyfriend behind my back and calling and messaging him when I was going through a traumatic time because YOU need constant attention and validation and you cannot help yourself in destroying other relationships by seducing away the man because for a brief moment it makes you feel better and as if you are something, and you feel better drinking in the pain of someone else because you’ve been hurt so badly in your sensitive years that you’ve built up so much pain inside you can’t do anything really to deal with it except harm other people, but it’s too difficult to accept that level of self- awareness because that would mean facing the emotional pain inside you that you believe might kill you or someone else if it is released and the rages you go into and the tearful fits are just a small tiny samples of the rage that dwells deep within…and they tell you you were such a good friend and that this new hero that they found is actually a bastard(which you knew from the beginning and had to endure watching the BPD transform like a chameleon into what that new person wanted them to be or what they thought they wanted them to be) and lo and behold they’re a victim again, this time of the married man with seven kids by five different wives that they’ve ‘accidentally’ gotten pregnant by five months after they got together who has now left her for the wife he originally left, that they seduced because they were having a panic attack that you were going to abandon them because they kept acting like a selfish idiot, and they’ve behaved exactly the same way in this relationship as they have done in every other relationship - but they’re blind and can’t see and you gingerly try to explain that they are not being abused by everyone but that they are in fact the abuser and they disappear again because they can’t cope with facing the black void that lies inside them which is trying to find who they really are and then you get another e-mail ….SIX more months later, apologising again and telling you what a great friend you were, all superficial and fake and hyper and you try again, gingerly to help them…and you go to their facebook profile and see that they haven’t changed at all…they’re still posting multitudes of photos of their fake life of the person they’re pretending to be, the animals(that they don’t feed or care about) the children(that they neglect because they’re too busy on facebook) the spiritual quotes(that they don’t and can’t understand)…and you say a prayer and realise that you do love them and that you will always be there for them but you can no longer be in a friendship or relationship until they stop deluding themselves because enabling them in their illness is not loving and you sigh and send them love and you hope for the best.
Throw a lot of drugs, promiscuity, alcohol and any real ability to empathise with anyone but YET the ability to do a very good job of pretending they can, into the mix and that’s pretty much it…oh yes and be prepared to have everything you ever told them or confided in them used against you when the time comes, and for anything you don’t tell them to send them into a breakdown and bring up trust issues, if it comes up, as though they own you(and this was ONLY a FRIENDSHIP) not even a relationship…and drama, plenty of drama….while they sigh a lot and weep and say they’re SO tired of all the drama but then you watch quizzically as you see them create and maintain it all…"
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
I've thought about breaking up with him more times than I can count. I should state that he is self aware for the most part, was diagnosed 4 years ago, he takes meds and sees his therapist once a week.
I know all about DBT (so does he) bought him a DBT work book and myself, have read countless books and articles about the illness and how to cope with it.
Based on what I've read, I can't decide if my partner fits the BPD bill or not. Everything I've read says that the BPD person tends to have passionate relationships until of course, you fall off the pedestal. He is not. He has never been. He's divorced after 16 yrs of marriage and has 2 children. He says that basically after the kids were conceived, he didn't have sex with his wife or anyone for that matter, for 10 years AND was perfectly fine with that.
So here I am, thinking this guy will be "normal" and then he told me about the BPD which he didn't explain at the time so I thought he meant bipolar disorder.
In short, it's like being in a relationship with a machine. He doesn't know how to love, show love or affection and there is NO sex life because he has erectile dysfunction that even Cialis can't help.
We're good as friends but I want more and he says he does, too. I made an appointment with a couples therapist who we saw about 3 times. At our last appointment, she pretty much just said I'll never get what I want from him and I should just pack it in.
He's a very kind and gentle soul but he will never be able to give me the kind of relationship I need and deserve. This realization makes me sad because I know that this break up will be extremely difficult for him. I had high hopes. We're both in our 40's and I don't have the luxury of waiting to see if things will change.
Sorry for my ramblings. I wondered if anyone else has had to deal with this in their relationships and if so, how do you cope?
Thanks for reading.
I have to say that I created this post before reading it all. The rant is a diamond in the rough, to be sure. It will take a few tries to get it all, but the author has certainly been through the BPD wringer. I am looking forward to the day that someone can analyze and interpret all this.
A long time ago, I wrote an opinion that all cluster B disorders, including BPD, were a consequence of failed (crippled) narcissism. Reading the original rant above, the narcissistic component of the abuse stands out starkly relative to the fear of abandonment component.
The recurring dynamic in the relationship is that, from the perspective of the pwBPD, my needs are so desperate that they must be satisfied, regardless of the effect that has on yours.