You used to hang around with my parents. I didnt find you particularly interesting or appealing but I thought that hanging out with you might make me seem older, cooler, maybe a little rebellious. I didnt plan on us being friends. I thought Id use you. Id take what I needed, a bad girl reputation, and then leave you behind.

But, as the years went on, we spent more time together. I began to feel lost without you. Things in my life changed, rapidly, but you were always there. I started to think of you as a friend, a confidante, a constant. I spent all of my money on you. I put you above a lot of other more important things and you gave me nothing in return. I started to doubt your intentions but I couldnt bear the thought of losing you, so I kept you around. I said things like, Ill leave you when I get pregnant, or, Ill leave you when I turn 30. I know some people who say they only hang out with you when they drink or a couple of times a day but we spent all of our time together, me and you, attached. Even those folks who spent a lot of time with you seemed concerned about the amount of time we spent together but I didnt care. They were just jealous of how close we were.

Somehow, against all odds, I did leave you when I got pregnant but when you came knocking at my door a few months after the baby was born, I let you in. I was strangely elated by your return, old friend. When that baby became too much to handle, we would go outside together and decompress. The baby would look at us through the window and we would look back, imploring him to give us just a couple of minutes. And the next time I got pregnant? I didnt kick you out. I felt guilt, so much guilt, but you had me by the lungs and come hell or high water, we were together now and forever. You even stopped me from breastfeeding my child but how could I stay mad at you?

I turned 30 and you were there. You were there the day after too and the day after that. Later that month when my brain started to do strange things, you were there. When I couldnt work for 3 weeks because I couldnt see and I didnt have enough balance to walk on my own, you hung out with me. When social phobia crept in and I couldnt stand to be around human beings? Oh you! You were my rock. People kept telling me that I should leave you, once and for all so I came up with a new deadline, Ill leave you when I get better. Because that makes a lot of sense. You always brought out the rationality in me. Of course that didnt work either and when I got better, you were still there.

Then I read a book, a book that was supposed to make it easy to leave you. Easyway? How could it be? I read that book in less than two days, with you by my side. When I finished I thought there was no way that I could continue to spend time with you and respect myself, so I chose myself. I started the process of leaving you again. And again. And again. The book was not a magic bullet. I still assign some fantastical property to you. Something I know you dont have.

But---BUT!---In the days that Ive been without you Ive realized some things. On my own I am a better mother. I am a better employee. I am a better person. I can plan my life without working it around you. And the money?!?! Oh, the money. I balked at spending $10 on anything else but every day before work I would spend $13 picking you up at the gas station. You? You who stole my health. You who stole my time with family and friends. You who caused me to jeopardize the lives of my own children be even allowing you to be around them.

I know in my heart that Im done with you. It will take time and hard work but we cant be together any more. If you come knocking at my door again I wont let you back in. I refuse. Were done honey. And I will warn everyone I know about you. You cant be casually used. You are the user.