Once again I am confronted, full force, with the singleness that I hate and abhor. This is the kind of situation that I long for a spouse to help me with input and support. Instead I am confronted with the isolation of singleness, and all its pain, and the reaity that I never had a loyal, reliable, loving spouse in my life. I am in so much pain. Today I am battling the onset of a PTSD attack - alone. I need to know someone is reading this. I would gladly welcome any advice.

I am taking a Time Out from work today. It is also my business. When I get this anxious, when I feel the pressure mounting, when I feel the spinning and the buzzing, I take a day off from work. I shouldn't be driving anyway. I am beginning to feel very nauseated, and have the usual accompanying head ache.

What is escalating also is my living situation, and the need for my own place and safe shelter. When I became so ill with PTSD, I lost my home on the very last day that my youngest child left home for his very own life. i remember the eviction notice and the courier appearing at my front door almost at the same time my beloved son was leaving through the same door for university, and his great future. My home got stolen from me by neighborhood association lawyers who raised the association fees from $50.00 per month to $300.00 per month. I was a single mom and despite the fact that I had paid their illegal fees, the one month I could only pay a portion of the payment, they began foreclosure on my home, and I had to leave. Although they committed breach of my escrow contract, they still took possession of my home, and auctioned my home off, while on the steps of the city courthouse. After having raised my children as a single parent with no child support (dead beat spouse), buying homes for all of us as they grew, I had no money left to pursue a suit in a court of law, and no health or stamina to carry through with it.

I was extremely ill with PTSD, and homeless. While homeless, I found meaningful work, started a business and finally was able to supply a roof over my head. I moved in with a friend who rented me a room for however long I wanted. I have been renting from her for 8 years now. My landlord's life is changing. She is trying to work a brutal job and still enjoy life. For the past months she has brought in a series of "boyfriends" who get weirder and weirder. This last one is especially off the wall, and I don't feel safe here, in her home anymore. Also, in order to grow my business further, i need a place of my own.

Enter the economy: Where I live is now a "boomtown" where even the cost of rent is completely inflated and unaffordable for me. I most likely will never be able to own my own home again. My social security and business profits can not cover the inflated rent prices. It looks like my only choice is renting still another room and live in a situation where i have little or no control over what happens to my shelter or me.

Now I can see why I am triggered, and why I feel so awful. I don't see choices here. I am also trying to downsize my possessions, which is not going well. My goal is to find a place of my own in which to live, but I see my choices closing down. I don't know what to do. When I downsize, pack up and become ready to move, I fear there will be no choices then, as there are no choices now. Also, I had nightmares last night about this very same plight.

Aha! I can see the triggers and some symptoms of this PTSD occurrence, which is not quite an episode - yet. The truth is, i really don't like where my life is right now, or, where it has been since 2001, and I see no way to progress.

I am losing perspective and feel like I am spinning like a top. I am losing direction because I don't see choices, and I feel completely alone and isolated in my iving situation.