Single Parenting Support Group
Today being raised by a single parent is not uncommon. About three in ten children live in a single parent home. The most common type of single parent home is one with only a mother. However, single father homes are the fastest growing type of family situation; 60% growth in the last ten years alone.
This is a very loooong story but I will just give you the shortest version possible.
My X and I divorced 4 years ago. We have 50/50 custody because we both agreed it would be better for our daughter (5 yrs old). At first everything was wonderful, we worked together and communicated great. Then he moved his girlfriend in (whom he left me for). This woman was like Mommy Dearest, minus the beatings. She was evil. Thank God a few months ago he broke up with her. Things seemed to be better, our daughter was happier, excited to see him, and he started communicating with me again. When he was with Mommy Dearest I was banned from calling him and was only allowed to e-mail him. Which didn't work out very well in emergencies. So everything is great now, right? Wrong.
I guess he is having a hard time being a "single parent" since he has noone to do all the work for him. He has started working 7 days a week instead of taking care of our Daughter. This is how our schedule goes. We are on a 3/4 day rotation. He picks her up from school on Tuesdays and brings her home to me on Fridays. He has now put her in a after school program every day of the week. So her days at school are from 8:00am - 5:30pm. That is a very long day for a child her age. I am not saying I have a problem with this IF he truly needed it. I have her in the program also for Mon & Tues. The problem is this.
1) 2 weeks on a Thursday I get a call from the school at 4:00pm. Gracie has hurt herself on the playground. They couldn't get a hold of X. I call him on the phone, no answer. I call his work and they tell me that he is not working today. Hmmmm. I call him again and leave a message telling him that I am on my way to pick her up. He finally calls when I am almost to the school. Where was he?? He was sleeping. He is tired from working. Our daughter is in Kindergarten so she gets out of school at 11:23am. He has been sleeping all day, instead of spending time with her.
2) I have a good relationship with his Mother. We were always very good friends and we miss each other greatly. I was talking to her the other day and she in passing told me that our Daughter hasn't even been staying at his house, she has been with his Mom!! If he doesn't want her why can't I just keep her? All our daughter talks about is how much she misses her Father, and my heart is breaking for her.
3) The final draw. I talked to him about all of this. I told him I understood how he felt and that I know it is hard. I assured him it would get easier and that I would help him all that I could. All I want is for our daughter to be happy. He thanked me for understanding and told me he had that Friday off and that he was excited to spend time with her. He also told her that they would be having a whole day together. She was pumped all weekend and couldn't wait for Friday.
Friday comes along and I have a half day. I call him at noon just to make sure he didn't get called into work. 2:00pm. He calls me and tells me that he indeed needed me to pick her up. The catch? He has no idea where she is. Could be with my Mom, could be with my Sister, could be at school. WTF!?!?! He laughed about it, thought it was kind of funny. Ummm sorry not laughing. I ask "Did you have to work today?" His answer?? No, actually I am volunteering. He was so proud of himself. He thought that I would ok with that. So I ask him "Volunteering was more important than spending time with your child." His response was "OK?" He just left her in school all day expexcting someone else to take care of her! What is wrong with him? Then I find out that he has a 19 year old girlfriend. Wow. That explains a lot!
How do you get past this crap? How many more years will it take to let this just roll off my back? Everyone keeps telling me that there is nothing I can do about it but wait for him to grow up. By then the damage will be done. I know how my daughter feels, I was forgotten and tossed aside by my father also. This is just breaking my heart.
My X and I divorced 4 years ago. We have 50/50 custody because we both agreed it would be better for our daughter (5 yrs old). At first everything was wonderful, we worked together and communicated great. Then he moved his girlfriend in (whom he left me for). This woman was like Mommy Dearest, minus the beatings. She was evil. Thank God a few months ago he broke up with her. Things seemed to be better, our daughter was happier, excited to see him, and he started communicating with me again. When he was with Mommy Dearest I was banned from calling him and was only allowed to e-mail him. Which didn't work out very well in emergencies. So everything is great now, right? Wrong.
I guess he is having a hard time being a "single parent" since he has noone to do all the work for him. He has started working 7 days a week instead of taking care of our Daughter. This is how our schedule goes. We are on a 3/4 day rotation. He picks her up from school on Tuesdays and brings her home to me on Fridays. He has now put her in a after school program every day of the week. So her days at school are from 8:00am - 5:30pm. That is a very long day for a child her age. I am not saying I have a problem with this IF he truly needed it. I have her in the program also for Mon & Tues. The problem is this.
1) 2 weeks on a Thursday I get a call from the school at 4:00pm. Gracie has hurt herself on the playground. They couldn't get a hold of X. I call him on the phone, no answer. I call his work and they tell me that he is not working today. Hmmmm. I call him again and leave a message telling him that I am on my way to pick her up. He finally calls when I am almost to the school. Where was he?? He was sleeping. He is tired from working. Our daughter is in Kindergarten so she gets out of school at 11:23am. He has been sleeping all day, instead of spending time with her.
2) I have a good relationship with his Mother. We were always very good friends and we miss each other greatly. I was talking to her the other day and she in passing told me that our Daughter hasn't even been staying at his house, she has been with his Mom!! If he doesn't want her why can't I just keep her? All our daughter talks about is how much she misses her Father, and my heart is breaking for her.
3) The final draw. I talked to him about all of this. I told him I understood how he felt and that I know it is hard. I assured him it would get easier and that I would help him all that I could. All I want is for our daughter to be happy. He thanked me for understanding and told me he had that Friday off and that he was excited to spend time with her. He also told her that they would be having a whole day together. She was pumped all weekend and couldn't wait for Friday.
Friday comes along and I have a half day. I call him at noon just to make sure he didn't get called into work. 2:00pm. He calls me and tells me that he indeed needed me to pick her up. The catch? He has no idea where she is. Could be with my Mom, could be with my Sister, could be at school. WTF!?!?! He laughed about it, thought it was kind of funny. Ummm sorry not laughing. I ask "Did you have to work today?" His answer?? No, actually I am volunteering. He was so proud of himself. He thought that I would ok with that. So I ask him "Volunteering was more important than spending time with your child." His response was "OK?" He just left her in school all day expexcting someone else to take care of her! What is wrong with him? Then I find out that he has a 19 year old girlfriend. Wow. That explains a lot!
How do you get past this crap? How many more years will it take to let this just roll off my back? Everyone keeps telling me that there is nothing I can do about it but wait for him to grow up. By then the damage will be done. I know how my daughter feels, I was forgotten and tossed aside by my father also. This is just breaking my heart.
deleted_user
I think its time to revisit the custody arrangement! If he is not even with her, she should be with you. Can you be with her during this time? If not then staying with Grandmother isn't so bad because its time to be w/ family, but if she can be w/ you instead, that is what it should be. Sounds like he is taking his time with her for granted. Maybe a custody change would wake him up and he would use his time more wisely. Good luck!
deleted_user
Hmmm- not sure my thoughts were very helpful - its probably your daughter's feelings you are looking to protect. Have you told him that she says she misses him? Maybe he really needs it spelled out. I have a 5 year old son and my ex and I share custody too, but neither of us pass up a moment of that time. I would love more but try to be fair!
xjanedoe
His Mom picks her up after she gets out of work, he is out of work by that time also. His Mom has been having her over night and taking her to school in the morning. It's complete nonsense! If he is not working then she should be with him. I have talked to him many times and either it goes in one ear and out the other or he gets angry and accuses me of calling him a "bad parent". I just can't win. I tried explaining to him that she will be grown in no time at all and that every single moment he can spend with her is precious. I think that maybe he is just tired of the responsibility and as long as their is someone picking up his slack he will allow it. I have also told him that she cries about how she misses him and how he is always working on the holidays. I have problems with that also because I feel if he is not with her than I should be. It's just a big mess. And I have a feeling that by the time he wants a close relationship with her it is going to be too late. I guess all I can do is pick up the pieces of her broken heart and let him make his own choices. I have been for the most part but he has never been so blatently irresponsible before. Mid-Life crisis at 26? Who knows. Thank you so much for your response!
Thriver
tjm I don't think you were too harsh. He is not parenting, so why the charade of custody? If my kids' dad even once did not know where they were, it would be the last time he saw them, I mean it! A little girl has to be looked after every instant. He is not ready - maybe at some point he will be but right now, he is not ready to be a father. You need full custody now with visitation.
deleted_user
Yes - I do still recommend revisiting custody - if he's not using it he doesn't need it. I think as long as your little girl knows how much mommy loves her and has lots of support and love from you - and even her paternal grandmother, I think that will really help her. I am not sure what to tell her about her dad, other then that he loves her he just isn't good at showing her? Not sure that is right, but I would definitly tell her he does. I think he is just reliving his teen years or something like that. One day he will wake up and hopefully it won't be too long and too late.
deleted_user
I agree the childs safety is more important. As for her broken heart, love her mom, hold her and tell her you love her. Never tell her that her daddy doesn't love her, she will make up her own mind when she is able. As for him, its his loss. Time with Grnadma is fine, but she is not the girls parent and should not be put in that position. If the girl isn't being parented by daddy then there is no reason for her to be away from you. Daddy needs a swift kick and your daughter will give it to him in due time. Just love her!
deleted_user
I can relate. When me and my X split up my daughter was 3 years old. We didn't get divorce right away and so there was no legal custody issue. I would call him and try arrange meetings with his daughter and sometimes it worked. Most of the time he would just pick her up and like your X drop her of at grandmas. I was getting really tired of it but didn't want to make things worst between us. Until this one time he picked up our daughter and grandma wasn't around and he wanted to go and party so ... He took my baby with him. I didn't know until I called him around 9pm cause that was the time he was suppose to bring her back. I heard girls giggling and loud music so I asked what was going on and he said he's at his friends house. I asked for Jess and he said she was with him. I told him to bring her back but he said he had too many to drink and he will bring her the next day. Well the next day I couldn't get in touch with him. I called everybody and I couldn't find him so I went to his parents house and waited there. I even called the cops and they said they can't help me because he is her father. He showed up at 6 pm. My daughter looked as if she was pulled from the trash bag. Her diaper was soaked and wet. He hasn't seen her since then.
jody0385
I'm sorry you and your daughter are having to go through this... But let me just say this. I raised my son without his father around much, and as long as you protect her love for him by not saying bad things about him to or around her and talking to him about these problems outside of her ears, then she's going to be just fine. My son has no harsh feelings for his dad, and when he would ask why daddy wasn't around, I just told him that his dad loves him very much, but he doesn't really know how to be a father... And like with a new game you're not good at you don't want to play it that often, so he doesn't know how to be around that much. It seemed to work for my son. My son put dad up on some pedestal and hasn't taken him down yet. Is it hard to see that? Yes it sure is. I want to be on that pedestal, I want my son to see what I do for him and think I'm the best.. And you know something.. He does. Or maybe I'm foolin' myself. Either way if you can revisit the custody issue without pissing the dad off too much then it's a good idea. If not, then you just have to bite your tongue and make up for where he doesn't. I had to be mom and dad for years and years... It won't damage her as much as you think it might, kids are very tough and get through alot with the right parenting even if it's just one parent doing it.
deleted_user
Mom,I suggest that you talk with your ex, with the goal of putting what is going to be the best for your childs needs and welfare. She really should not be in school all day like that, and he must be smart enough to see that this situation is not the best for her. Try to work out a different arrangement in a positive way so that he can spend time with her when he can give her quality time. Do not ever use her as a weapon to threaten him, but reinforce your position of whats in her best interest. work out weekly times spent with the child, but refuse to continue with this current situation. Remember that your child loves you both, so stick your neck out for her until you can insure that he is acting as a responsible parent. Get help if you need too, but please don't allow your daughter to suffer by his ignorance, and youth. He'll grow up someday, but that's not your job. Be Tough, and Strong for your baby.
xjanedoe
Thank you everyone for your help! I am going to request a meeting with him so we can talk this issue out. If nothing changes I will take it to court. The last thing I want to do is take her Papa away from her, so I would like to try it the nice way first. Never once have I bad mouthed him to her or around her and I don't plan on starting now. My Mom never bad mouthed my Dad either but I knew all the same and when I grew my feelings were confirmed. It didn't destroy me but I don't trust men, the only man I ever trusted 100% left me for another woman. Go figure! Anyway... I have taken Grace out of after school care on my days so she can relax after school. It will be a pain for me since I have to leave on my lunch break, pick her up from school, take her to the babysitters and then pick her up after work! Yikes! Pain for me but better for her. So at least I can control what happens on my shift. Another problem I am haveing is that he makes soooo much more money than me and I am utterly poor. I know that if I take this to court he will fight me until his dying day. I am saving money right now just in case I have to revisit custody. I have to be very careful about this and make sure I do everything right. Because like I said, over his dead body would he give her up.
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