Single Dads Support Group
This community is dedicated to fathers who are going through the parenting process alone or without the support of a spouse. Single parenthood is often opted for by the parent (as in divorce, adoption, artificial insemination, surrogate motherhood, or extramarital pregnancy), or an unforeseeable occurrence (as in the death of one parent or abandonment by one parent).
I just joined. I wanted to go ahead and start this thread because every minute away from my daughter is like an ongoing nightmare.
I have a baby daughter and live in northern California. She is 14 weeks old. I am not married to the mother. The mother abducted our daughter on July 1, 2011, and fled to southern California where the mother's parents are. It's about 500 miles away.
The mother and I lived together for 1.5 years before she abducted my daughter. There was no warning that this was coming. We had normal relationship issues that were fixable, but nothing that warranted this act. By the way, I paid all the mortgage, bills and living expenses while the mother lived with me.
The way the mother took my daughter is reprehensible. She asked me to go get some baby medication for our baby's rash from Walmart. I did. While at Walmart, I received a call from her telling me that she's leaving me. When I got home, everything was gone (my baby, her car, motorcycle, clothes, baby's clothes, 3 months of diapers, car seat, stroller, etc.).
On July 5 (the first day courts were open after the abduction), I filed for 100% physical custody and 100% legal custody. The process service I hired managed to serve the mother that same night. That was the first bit of relief I had gotten since July 1 when my baby was stolen.
I'm new to this whole thing. What should I do now? Should I hire the best possible lawyer, or should I do it alone in the upcoming mediation? Other good advice will be appreciated.
I have a baby daughter and live in northern California. She is 14 weeks old. I am not married to the mother. The mother abducted our daughter on July 1, 2011, and fled to southern California where the mother's parents are. It's about 500 miles away.
The mother and I lived together for 1.5 years before she abducted my daughter. There was no warning that this was coming. We had normal relationship issues that were fixable, but nothing that warranted this act. By the way, I paid all the mortgage, bills and living expenses while the mother lived with me.
The way the mother took my daughter is reprehensible. She asked me to go get some baby medication for our baby's rash from Walmart. I did. While at Walmart, I received a call from her telling me that she's leaving me. When I got home, everything was gone (my baby, her car, motorcycle, clothes, baby's clothes, 3 months of diapers, car seat, stroller, etc.).
On July 5 (the first day courts were open after the abduction), I filed for 100% physical custody and 100% legal custody. The process service I hired managed to serve the mother that same night. That was the first bit of relief I had gotten since July 1 when my baby was stolen.
I'm new to this whole thing. What should I do now? Should I hire the best possible lawyer, or should I do it alone in the upcoming mediation? Other good advice will be appreciated.
I did find one lawyer with a free initial consultation, and his staff was friendly and supportive. He may get may get my business. We'll see. By the way, I'm also an attorney. So, I should be able to identify lawyer talent quickly enough. :-)
I'm not entirely sure the attorney makes a heck of a lot of difference as to outcome. I've been through this and you can spend a lot of money and not get anywhere different than if you hadn't spent any.
I live in CA too and what happens in this county is that if you can't reach an agreement with the mother, they refer you to Mediation. The Mediators the Court uses are the single biggest factor in how your case will come out. This is what you want to ask the attorney about. The Court is very unlikely to do anything that isn't recommended in mediation here. Each county is different though.
What you can also do is see if you can find local psychologists that have either worked as Mediators or whom the Court often refers to. Pay for an hour of their time (usually $120-$140) and find out what they think about how to present the best case possible.
Custody varies a lot by Judge and by County. Some places, 50/50 is the norm. Other places, like where I live, you need to fight a bit to get more than 25% or so. It is, from what I've seen, your odds of getting 100% physical custody are very, very, very low. You would need to show absolutely, unequivocally, that the child was in immediate physical danger.
Be careful about the 100% custody too. What the Court wants to see is co-parenting. In fact, they must by statute consider which parent is most likely to foster the relationship with the other parent. The mother's attorney can flip your 100% request around on you and make it like you are depriving this child of it's mother.
Good luck.
You are a lawyer, you know this. If the kid had been abducted, you could call the police and have her picked up.
Yes, you are in an underdog position. California absolutely targets keeping the kids, particularly very young ones, with the mother. $100K in attorney fees is not going to change this. I've spent hours in the Family Law Court where mothers have been under psychiatric care for hallucinations and the Judge's main concern was how soon they could start increasing the mother's custody.
Any good suggestions are welcomed.
The Mediator will make a recommendation to the court. Depending on your County, the court may have discretion to not accept the recommendation. If she's breastfeeding, you are going to have an uphill battle of significant magnitude.
The. Court will not make it so that you can't see your kid. But, you should prepare for substantially less custody than you want.
If you have factual proof that the mother is a threat to the child's safety then now is the time to whip it out. If you don't have proof but think you can get it, hire an investigator.
Also be prepared for a horrendous child support order to be imposed.
Best thing to do is stay calm and settle into this for the long haul.
How did your hearing go?
It's interesting to see that in CA, mediators make recommendations. In my jurisdiction, mediators file eihter a certificate of settlement, or a certificate of an impasse. Here, Magistrates handle all post-judgment matters (contempt, modification and so on). They try the cases, and file their report and recommendation to the judge. The judge retains discretion to amend the recommendation, but usually the recommendation is "rubber stamped."
I'm curious; why didn't you move to disqualify the mediator? After such disclosure from the mediator, I would have argued severe prejudice by having this mediator conduct the proceeding.
I thought your daughter's mother would play the proverbial "child of tender years" card.
I'm not sure you can call what she did an abduction; absconding is more befitting, in my opinion. Then again, I'm speaking with a FL law background. How can you prove her lies?
IMHO, I seriously doubt your petition for custody will be granted. But, that doesn't mean you've lost. Call her bluff. Demand a paternity test, if one has not already been done. Tell her you're going to file for contempt and seek the return of the child to your jurisdiction. She'll have to prove she moved with the best interest of the child at heart, or that she moved because she fears you somehow.
If I were you, I would petition for progressive visitation as your daughter grows. You live in northern CA and she nows lives in Southern CA; your daughter will not be able to fly until she's older (probably between 5 and 7). So, you'll have to travel to pick her up and drop her off (more $$$). But, you can use that to your advantage. The court has to consider your travel expenses in your child support order. Ask for all winter breaks, spring breaks and summer breaks when the child starts school. Ask for one uninterrupted week a month. The more time you spend with your daughter, the less her mother gets in child support. I'm not suggesting, by any means, that you should not financially support your child to the greatest extent. I am, however, suggesting you fight fire with fire. What does the mother do for a living?
I know what you're experiencing. Part of what won me custody of my daughter was that on October 2008 my ex-wife relocated 150 miles away, in violation to Florida's Relocation Statute. I moved to have her held in contempt and my motion was granted. She was ordered to return my daughter to my court's jurisdiction in June 2009 (my daughter was attending Kindergarten in the city to which my ex-wife relocated and I told the magistrate I didn't want to disrupt her education). She never did. I used that contempt, in combination with everything I mentioned in my message to you, to win my case.
Keep accurate records of everything and keep a paper trail. Memorialize each telephone conversation with an email, and avoid telephone conversations with your daughter's mother if you can.
Good luck!!
Let us know how it turns out.