Single Dads Support Group
This community is dedicated to fathers who are going through the parenting process alone or without the support of a spouse. Single parenthood is often opted for by the parent (as in divorce, adoption, artificial insemination, surrogate motherhood, or extramarital pregnancy), or an unforeseeable occurrence (as in the death of one parent or abandonment by one parent).
I am a single father: I am not in my daughter's life because my ex and I have stopped speaking to each other. My ex has used Family Court to hurt me and prevent me from being in my daughter's life. Since I am a single dad, what can I do to help myself? I have no desire to get get together with my ex.
I also need advice in coping with the dating scene as a Single Father. Single fathers out there, please respond.
What you need to focus on is what your ROLE is, not your IDENTITY.
What that means is, you being you, you have a role as single father. Just because you're a single father you don't necessarily need to be with another person just because you aren't. There is no rule book which states, "this amount of time between your one-time significant other and your next partner is fast and true".
Meaning, we all move on at different times.
Using myself as the example. My ego was BRUISED when the relationship with our children's mother was stagnated, (divorce). What I wanted to do given there was another man in the picture which I initially thought was the unraveling when in fact he hadn't a thing to do with it, I sought out to prove to myself that I was; handsome, worthy of a woman, etc. when in fact, it hadn't a thing to do with me related to our relationship ending. The only thing it did (dating other women and many of them) was give me a false sense of comfort knowing I was attractive and attracted to women other than the one who I thought at the time shredded my self confidence and caused me WAY too much grief.
The only thing which saved me was immersing myself in my (our) children's lives which was only a band-aid at the time to give me a sense of togetherness/keeping our familial unit intact.
Once I learned to love MYSELF most, then I was able to give more to; our children and to my former spouse whom I solely refer to as, "our children's mother" these days and last few years.
Separating my 'identity' from my role(s) was crucial. Tying every waking moment into thoughts of; my children, my life as I once knew it, what to do with my time when I wasn't playing role of single father, etc. I had to REALLY look closely in the mirror at myself and ask, "what makes you happy?"
It is and was; me.
When I came to that realization I became; a better father, a better person overall. Today when I spend time with our children's mother is one of love, compassion, forgiveness and tolerance. We share literally everything together today other than the bed we used to share. She and I confide in one another as a real, loving set of parents with different views on our lives outside of our lifelong bond of mother and father. That never changes.
It took me many years to get to this point but once I forgave her of what I thought she did to me when was just her own self issues I could never have saved her from which I tried for many years prior to our disruption of our family unit as I knew it. (Insert ego bust here..)
Not long ago also her current husband came and confided in me when we inadvertently ran into one another. I was at this place for dinner with another friend and our kids' mother's new husband was a few over the limit when he approached me and I was literally, the EARS for him about their situations.
Never one time did I bash her or compare notes so to speak even though in the back of my mind the thought of, "same woman, different man" was all over my mind as well as flash backs of what he was experiencing was what I dealt with when I was the Mr. in his Mrs. equation half a dozen or so years back.
Having compassion and understanding in that instance gave him some sense of relief and ironically, I think it helped their relationship as things were patched up not long after that as far as I know.
Why mention this here on the single father's page?
Well, you mentioned about dating advice.
You can ONLY have the advice when you're ready. You will know it.
Take the time to find out what you like to do as your preferences. If you spend your days w/o being 'dad' trying to fill your time with finding the next mrs. that is only going to lead you to an empty existence and/or some disappointment when you come up empty handed and/or find someone EXACTLY like your former spouse.. Is that what your desire is? Replacing what you had or, enjoying your time for who YOU are?
Nothing is ever permanent. You WILL find someone. When the time is right. Focus on what makes you happiest not about what brings you misery. (i.e. thoughts about the past).
I don't have the answers as I am still single but I know what I want and it isn't a woman like my former spouse even though today I only relish on the good times we had rather than the ugly moments. I also know when the stars align and God decides to bring another woman into my existence it'll be the right one and I WILL know it.
I thought not long ago I had the right woman. She however, could not stop referring to her children's father as her "ex-husband". Sure, they were married and I get that but after a few dozen times of hearing her refer to him as that, I asked her the obvious question of still harboring anger and/or resentment at their breakup and she took offense to it.
It assured me that I for certain had the wrong woman in my life and distanced myself from her until she got the hint. When she asked me what it was that caused my distancing I was honest with her. She then threw a fit about that and told me I had no clue what I was talking about which when someone defends, explains or justifies what you tell them then you know your observation was accurate.
Some day there will be someone right for you same as for me. It is only when we truly wait to let it happen rather than trying to force something that should never be. Similar as a waterfall never goes in reverse but keeps flowing, we cannot turn a clock backward and duplicate something we'd already experienced. That is the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over again expecting a different outcome.
Hang in there. Time is the only thing you need. As well, be the BEST single father the planet has ever seen and be the light your child(ren) need you to be.
Before you know it, they're grown into adults with their own busy lives and then you have all the time in the world to devote to finding your next life partner/spouse.
My situation: Currently married ( just technically, no physical contact for over 9/10 months or so, i cant even remember last time the intimacy thing happened) ..........My wife & I have some innately irreconcilable differences which I personally have tried to work through for last 5+ years of so in our 8 year old marriage. I couldn't leave then because we were already pregnant with my first kid and same is my situation today...........I have a few fears so to say that I need advice or help with .......1) I want to file for divorce but am worried of its effects on my children, My kids mom & I have discussed and she is stone cold dry about this aspect and isn't of much help, She knows that I am struggling with separation from my kids more than her and she is using it to play hard ball on me. She know that my kids are my weakness but I know they are my greatest strength too ( which she doesnt know)......2) We thought of still living under same roof after divorce for sake of children but then given the rifts between me & my wife I am not sure of what impact that will have on my children ( good or bad) ?? If it will screw their definition of marriage & family??? I want to keep things as much real, smooth & emotionally harmless for my kids?? This is my biggest dilemma which has left me sleepless with a feeling of helplessness. Its amazing how one can be really good in professional career decision making and suck so bad in personal decision making....Irrespectively, we are heading for a mediated legal separation for now..........Any words of advice are appreciate.