Its been six years for me since I lost my baby brother, I found that in order to move through the grief process, you must say goodbye. The easiest way for me was to write my brother a letter. I have put it away and now that I am stronger read it every once in awhile. well i hope this helps.
Traci

Vader, First I'd like to thank you for the message,,I was not aware of this group..I lost my only brother on March 13, of this year, after an 11 month battle with small cell cancer. We were always close,,and he will always be my hero for as long as I'm still alive. My brother and I use to fish all the time when we were kids,,and about 6 months before we found out that he had cancer,,we had just got back into going again,,,,it was wonderful,,fishing with my big brother again. When we found out about the cancer,,,I was shattered and torn. They gave him 2 too 4 months to live,,,,but I told my brother not to pay any attention to what they said. I became his support and I was constantly looking up things on the internet,that might save,,or help him. The doctors told him that he would'nt even make it thru any chemo treatments,,,but my brother told them to do what ever they could do,,,,he wanted to live so bad. He began recieving the treatments,,,and he amazed the doctors,,,,he began to show signs of improvement. He got to the point to where we were able to go fishing again,,,,,and 4 months had passed and he was still here. After recieving all the treatments that they would give him in the town where we live,,,,,I had reminded him of his ace in the hole that he had. He was a Vet and we could travel to a city about 120 miles away for more treatments. So we did,,,,we began making the trip to the VA hospital,,and he began treatments there. He gained so much strength and he and I both just knew that he had it beat. After about 9 1/2 months they told him that the cancer had spread to his brain. He still had alot of fight left in him and he began radiation treatments. We had to stay at a hotel for three nights each time we went to the VA hospital, since he was going thru 3 day treatments. On his last trip out of town,,,I did not go with him,,,because I have a family that I have to take care of,,,and he was having to stay 2 weeks at a time for the radiation treatments. One night while I was outside in my backyard,,,,I felt something tug at my heart,,,telling me,,,,Go,,,Go be with Eddie,my brother....I called my wife on the cell,,,,even though she was just inside the house,,,,,I told her to come outside,,,I had something to tell her.......She came out and I said,,I have to go,,,,I feel my brother calling me. So the next day I got up and headed to where he was,,,and I was so glad that I did. He had gotten so bad that he could barely walk and my sister in law,,,did need my help. God it was hard seeing my dear brother so weak and in so much pain. The first night there as I slept,,,I heard my brothers voice,,I looked and he was on his knee's,,,,he was trying to go to the restroom,,,but didnt have the strength. My sis in law got up and we both sat on the floor with Eddie,,,I ask,,brother where were you going,,,he said,,I just had to use the restroom,,,,,but he said,,,could we just sit here for awhile,,,I said sure,,we can sit as long as you like....We sat on the floor with him for about 30 minutes,,and the whole time,,,my heart was breaking more and more. After 30 minutes of sitting on the floor with his head on the bed,,,,he just said could you help me up back onto the bed,,,so we did. We all laid back down,,,,he and my sis in law in one bed and me in the other. I acted if I was asleep,,,,,but I couldnt take my eyes off of him,,,,I knew time was drawing near. About 5 30 am,,,,we all were up,,he was suppose to go for his radiation treatment,,,but we called and told them how he was doing,,,and they told us to take him to the hospital. It was hard getting him to the car,,,but we made it,,,and once in the car at the hotel,,,he asked,,,could we just sit here awhile,,and again,,we sat in the car for almost 45 minutes before he said,,ok I'm ready,,we can go now. We made it to the ER and it took all we had to get him out of the car,,,,his strength was going fast. Once inside,,,the ER doctor came by and told mt brother that there was nothing left for them to do,,,except make him as comfortable as possible,,,my brother asked the doctor,,,am I dying,,and the doc said yes,,my sister in law broke,,she couldnt hold back,,,,,and my brother said No,,,you cant do this to me,,,you have to help me. Eddie turned to me and said,,brother they cant do this can they?,,,I said no they cant.......We managed to get in touch with is cancer doctor and he said that he would make them get a room ready for him,,,and he did.....I called all the family and told them that they needed to come,,,,,and they all did. Eddie made it thru the night,,but the next day,,,all went down hill fast.They had already gave him Morphin,,so he was awake,,but his eyes were closed and his organs were slowly shutting down..When no one except Eddie and I were in the room,,,,,I sat down and held his hand and told him,,,brother stop fighting,,,all's going to be ok now......It was'nt long after that,,,that the nurses came in and said there was nothing more they could do,,,they told us to talk to him,,,and just be with him...He had a small pillow which he called his baby pillow,,,and I was holding that up against his head so he would feel comfortable.. A minister came in and prayed and my family was falling apart...I stood for ,,I know 45 minutes holding that pillow next to his head,,,I did not move,,,God gave me the strength to stand in one position holding his pillow for that length of time....The nurses came in and told us,,,,he was going,,,he was about to die....With all his children and wife and all the family members there,,,watching me,,,,,they were waiting for me to say,,,when,,,,,,,,,,I put my hand in front of my brothers mouth and felt 3 breathes come out,,and then the breathing stopped,,,,I shook my head up and down,,letting the family know that he was gone....It was a moment that I will Never forget,,,,his children were screaming NO No No,,,Daddy please,,please dont go.......As I stood there,,,my heart was braking more and more,,,,,,,but I kissed my brothers forehead,,,and said I'll see ya soon,,,,and I love you so. I was amazed at what I witnessed,,,,every wrinkle on his body,,began to disappear,,,,he looked like a new born baby.......My brother was gone......"I'm sorry that this story is so long,,,but there was a reason". I wanted you all to hear about all the pain that he went thru. And I find comfort in knowing that the pains of this life,,my brother will no longer have to endure...He is at rest now,,,,,,and we,,the family remain. We must endure the pains and sorrows of this life,,,,,,,Eddie no longer has to. We all are born to die,,,something that is hard to accept,,,but something we Must accept,,,,we are only passing thru......Yes I cried,,,,and still do at times,,,but thats just part of being human...God gave me the strength to officiate his memorial,,,,it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do, except for watching my brother die. In my offication,,,I told all the people that attended,,,that Eddie always won at every race we ever ran,,,,and he had won again...He left this life behind,,,,and left me behind,,,,just as he always did,,,,,he won the race. He now has that peaceful rest that we all will have ,,,,he won the race. No more pain,,,No more worry,,,,,No more sorrow......I ask you to find peace with the passing of your loved ones,,as I have done with the passing of my brother,,,and with the passing of my dad. We will all meet again,,,and we all know how fast time flies,,,,,so please find that peace,,,for it is there. Dont look back,,,,and just hold on to all the wonderful memories that we have of our lost loved ones. May God bless all of you,,,,I do feel your pain,,,,,,,BUT,,One day,,we will have no more pain,,,,one day soon,,,much sooner than it may seem.
My heart goes out to all of you in this group, and once again,,,Thank you Vader for leading me to this group. And I Do Promise that my next replies to postings,,,will be much much shorter...Try to smile,,and find peace,,,,,,for our lost loved ones have that peace.
Thanks for reading,
AnxiousTexan
Alton

Sorry, forgot to mention,,my brother was only 51 when he passed,,,my dad was only 57....And in all honesty,,,we never have to say goodbye,,,,,just say,,"See you soon"..or.."until we meet again"

3 days before he died I had to go say goodbye to my big brother. How could I say goodbye. I stood before him not knowing what to say. So out of nervousness I looked at him and said "how ya feeling" For gods sake he couldn't talk. Before me in this bed lay what was left of my family. John and I had always been close, but especially close eince dads death and my illness. That was March 10th, 2006. It is something I cannot get past in my life.My therapist says I should leave all that behind me. Isn't everything that happens to us what shapes us? I am here, my mom dad or John isn't. Some days it takes every bit of strength to get out of bed. I sit and wonder at times who I pissed off for my life to be this crappy. I lost my faith while I was in the hospital. Some people say you are here because god didn't want you yet. Well that very same god took those closest to me, and left me here alone. How do you get over it. You never really do. You have a hole so deep inside of you that nothing else fills. John was only 10 1/2 months older than me. I was in the hospital 6 weeks which meant I came home on his first birthday. he tried to tell me he remembered it. And he nwas still pissed that I ruined his day. When I was sick he could make me feel so good. And when dad died he took such good care of me. On the morning of the funeral he was at Target trying to find underwear for me. He'd take my clothes home and he'd take a toothbrush to the stains on the front. He would try his best to make me smile, to get me to eat he went out and found someplace that had boiled shrimp because I wasn't eating. As he said when I came home "baby steps" How do I do those baby steps knowing he will never call me Aunt edna ever again. Some days I do wish I had of died. That would hurt so much less