this might be the right page it might not, but things become a greater struggle everyday, I am 40 I am male, I am terrified and intimidated by everyone in this world without exception. Have never had anything in the way of relationships, same really for intimacy, or even online. Now the thing that caused a break in my mind which bought me here was well long term media and reality based, you see I have spent my life being the best person I have the capacity to be, my Aspergers affects my ability to read social cues aswell but yeah. 

Everything seems to contradict so my mind melts down to the point of physical illness, cause I can’t comprehend and I can’t be that. I have always thought being respectful, loving, compassionate and equal was right but then in music, movies, tv, literature (literature is a stretch) and even within reality,  you are told and see that this is not what people want, people want to be dominated, forced, violence (towards others and by definition towards them). You hear people say things like they want, love, respect, equality, their partner to be emotionally available, and then they pick up some crap like 50 shades of grey, or start dating someone that was fighting in the pub, I don’t get it and I can never be that person, kinda like the don’t objectify me 10 minutes later post a photo in a bikini without your head even in the shot, now this can also be translated for women as well of course. 

This is not all encompassing I am sure there are others out there, but we don’t get to see them as much anymore. It just feels that at every moment we need to be a completely different person to be good enough for anyone. There is more to this but I am trying to limit potential triggers for people.

i will possibly never find love, even like is a stretch, but despite the pain I can’t be what I am incapable of being. So I am limited to loving myself, this is fine but lacks the comfort and tactile enjoyments that come with love, but perhaps love is just a by-product of my idealistic mind.