My names Matt, I'm 20 and I'm dyslexic under review for autism/Aspergers, which they think it's highly likely that I have one and I have really bad social anxiety. I find it hard to think of things to talk about to people and how to respond to someone talking to me. I find it easiest to talk to people when I'm not face to face, texting is the easiest then chatting voice to voice is alright but I have to warm to the person to get used to that. I don't like talking to people about certain things or about myself, I don't like talking about certain things because I end up feeling stupid like things that should be common knowledge and I don't like talking about myself because the mess of a person I am, people will think of me in a negative way and see me as less of a person. I am not very smart and am clueless on life/common knowledge. I have really poor self esteem, I want to change this but another thing that is weighing me down is that I'm lazy. These problems have progressively got worse throughout my life. In school I got bullied.. More and more every year and every time I moved up to the next school I ended up with less and less friends. So I had no motivation todo well in school, I hated it so much. The stress of it all caused me to have frequent migraines and I used these as excuses to take days of school, I had so many days off because I felt unwanted helpless and on my own, no one understood what I was going through. Then after school I went college because my mum forced me to go saying "you're not just sitting home doing nothing all day" and also knew it would be bad to not have any outside interactions. This did not help, you can't help someone unless they want to be helped which she eventually realised. I was still getting the migraines, which caused me to get really far behind throughout. I did 3 years each one a different subject, 1st was game design Lvl 3 I didn't get anywhere near enough to get a pass but I think they gave me a pass so I couldn't retake the course for free and new I couldn't pay to retake it. 2nd year I did media Lvl 2 which I actually did good at I got a merit. 3rd year I did IT Lvl 3 but got really far behind and by the end of it they were saying to come in extra to complete the course but my laziness and lack of motivation made me just give up and not care I thought my mum harder then I ever had before not wanting to do it. She eventually agreed to let me have 1 year where I could go without doing anything, saying you will get fed up in about a year and want to go out and do stuff. Well it's been 3 years now and I've been happily playing Xbox daily barely doing anything else for 2 years of it until for the first time ever I found a female friend over Xbox that I spoke to dayily, I got a bit clingy though and she backed off about 6 months ago, this may sound sad but.. Determined to find another female gamer I went into multiple games checking people's profiles seeing if they were female gamers and if they were I'd message them asking to play with them and maybe be friends, I did all this to fill the void of the female friend I had lost. I just prefer girls over guys and was fed up of speaking to nothing but guys every day. Eventually I found a girl that I enjoyed playing with, she lives in America though so I changed my sleeping schedule to hers. after a week we had both grown close to each other and I told her I loved her, she told me she felt the same way and over the months we grew closer and closer. She gave me the motivation to want todo something with my life. She made me feel good about myself and has improved me as a person like I used to be to lazy to brush my teeth now I do that dayily and she gave me the motivation to go and get a haircut so I could send her a picture of myself and after I got it cut I felt better about myself then I have ever felt before. I got to the point where I wanted to move to America to be with her but how can I, I'm clueless when it comes to life and how do I know I can speak to her the same way face to face with my anxiety problem. She recently ended it and said she needs to sort out problems in her life before committing to a relationship, which I know these problems and understand why she did end it. But now I'm left with an empty feeling in my heart, this whole situation has been good for me though I now know my motivation in life "love". Now I'm stuck with a problem, we are still friends so I don't want to leave the house because I don't want to lose out on any time I can be spending talking to her. I think a good female friend to talk to often is something that will help me. Now I've had the taste of love I'm addicted I just want to fix all of my problems asap, so I can find true love even if it's not with her, I crave it. I want a female friend, don't worry.. not to fall in love with that's just what happened with this one woman I just find it easier to open up to a woman. I know my positives though, I'm kind, loyal, forgiving, Incredibly loving and non judgmental probably because how much I've been through.