shattered silence Community Group
Sometimes people just need to talk about things, but sometime there isnt anyone to tell....sometimes you wanna yell you wanna vent but to who? Who is there? is anyone ever? We can support each other! We can Yell! we can scream, we can get things out and off our chest......the silence is shattered......daily bible verse will be posted...
I like the concept of this group. I get discouraged posting on alot of sites online. People get offended when I don't listen to their advice. I feel like they are judging me. They get upset that I post, or vent about the same problems/issues repeatedly and think I do it for attention. I tell them that I just want someone to talk to, for my problems to be heard. I have no one really to talk to in real life. But most people do not understand. I'm not looking for advice. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just looking to be heard, to let it out.
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I feel lonely alot, I typed into google "find someone to talk to" and this website came up, so I figured I would give it a shot.
I have no self confidence in myself, never have, and probably never will. I'm not just talking about not feeling pretty, although there's that too. It interferes in my work. At a job which I loved, I was told that I beat alot of people to get the job because I am good at what I do, but that I lack confidence in myself and they did not know if I could handle the stress of the job. I think that in part led to my being laid off. After that, I tried finding work in my field which is an extremely competitive field (graphic design), landed 2 or 3 jobs, only to be laid off from all of those relatively shortly after starting (some of them were over my skill level I think, but others were perhaps me secretly sabotaging myself by my panic/anxiety)
I start a new job next week.it's not in my field, however it seems like a job which I will enjoy and excel at... naturally after losing the last several jobs my already low confidence is pretty much rock bottom. I see no reason why I should not be able to do well, however I am somewhat nervous.
As for the physical, I've struggled with my weight all my life. I have never felt pretty. I have spent the majority of my adult life over 200 lbs. However, I was down to 120 lbs when I first started college. Even when I was thin and a size 7 pants / medium shirt... I never felt thin... I still felt fat... I still felt like I needed to lose more weight. I never appreciated or enjoyed how much weight I had lost (I did it all through diet and exercise, lost over 100 lbs). After I went off of said diet, my bad eating habits returned and slowly so did the weight.
I need to reconnect spiritually. I haven't really ever had a close relationship with god. I do believe there is a god, and consider myself christian. But I have not been to church now in over 15 years, and even back then my parents only took me to xmas mass. I have a bible, but the last time I opened it I was probably 11 years old. I remember that for my senior project in college, we worked with a christian youth group. We were filming so I had to attend some meetings and I remember the first meeting we sat in on, that I began to cry. I could not believe how much all these young people loved god and had such a close relationship with god. I thought about it then, how it was missing from my life, but I still didn't take steps to change that. I feel like I probably would be happier if I had that connection. I know religion isn't for everyone, but I think for me, it may be something that I need to look into. However, it can be hard to do alone. My boyfriend is an antithesis, he says it's fine if I want to go to church but that he doesn't want to go. He says he went to a catholic school and had it crammed down his throat for years and just doesn't believe it. I am shy and I feel awkward entering a new group of people alone by myself. There's also alot of things in organized religion that I don't agree with. I also don't know how to go about finding the right church group for me.
Lastly, I have no friends. I have my boyfriend and my best friend. My best friend is a very busy gal, always volunteering, working, and traveling. She also now lives about 8 hours away. She's been my best friend now for 21 years. We grew up together because our fathers were friends. I've been with my boyfriend now for 7 and a half years. It was long distance until last year. We now share an apartment together. Hoping to eventually get married and have a house. Things have been up and down alot over the years, but we're still together so I guess that speaks alot for the strength of our bond.
Since moving in here last year, my family is now over 2 hours away. I do travel to see them about twice a month. I feel very homesick, especially for my grandma who is turning 68 next month. I worry that I am "wasting time" that I will regret or be sorry for when she is gone. But at the same time, I need to have my own life. I am 29. I eventually want children. I only have a few years left to make that happen. I want a husband who loves me and a happy fulfilling career. But I kinda feel in conflict because I'm so close to my grandma. I wish she was not so far away. It makes me sad that I only see her a few days out of the year. We grew up like that too, only seeing each other once a year, due to the distance at the time. As I grew older, I began spending my summers with her, and when I graduated high school I moved in to be with her to go to college.
Soon after that, I had my first relationship. My grandparents were kind enough to let the guy stay with us as long as he paid rent. I was extremely happy then. I had a boyfriend, and I was able to be with my grandmother. I also had friends. I was also living close to extended family who I seen several times a week. The only people I missed were my parents and my best friend who I did not see for about three years.
When my relationship ended, it was very, very, very hard on me. At first, I did not understand why. But as I've grown, I've come to realize that I was a very selfish and jealous and insecure person when I was younger.
We tried again to make things work, this time with me moving in with him. Leaving home for the first time was hard. And mentally I was still not ready to grow up. I was too insecure with myself to really be with someone else.
After it ended again, my grandmother gave up her entire life and moved with me back to my parents' house on the other side of the united states. She left her husband (my grandfather). She moved away from our extended family (her son, her sisters, her nieces and nephews, and her mother) and did everything to make sure I was happy. She is turning 68 next month and works over 40 hour work weeks just to make ends meet. My mother does not work due to some type of injury or illness, so my grandmother now supports my mom and pays all the utilities and taxes and daily needs, she also helps me out with my expenses on occasion. She is the most kind, loving, self-less person in the world. I love her so much.
Two years ago my grandfather was diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer. My grandmother flew out to take care of him last year, spending the majority of 2009 with him until he passed in late october of 2009.
I was not very close to my grandfather. Growing up I never seen him. He had to work and so I never seen him when my grandmother would visit. We never talked on the phones, and this was before the age of the internet. When I moved in with them in 1999, I was already 18 years old and so he felt like a stranger to me. I being shy, and not liking to talk to people, never really put forth the effort to get to know him. I feel bad about it now that he is gone.
When I look back at my old relationship, I think sometimes the reason I miss it honestly is because of my lifestyle as a whole at that time. I was in a state which I loved, with people I loved. I had friends, I had my grandmother, I had my at-the-time boyfriend, and I had all my extended family who by the way, I have not seen in over 8 years now since moving back home to my mom's.
The other part that I miss, is where my current relationship could use some work. Or maybe it's just different and will never be the same. I try not to compare. I am happy here. I've been here a long time. But if we're comparing the two, there's a definite distance here. I sleep on the couch because I snore. I miss having someone there with me. I miss having that closeness. I remember with my ex, staying up all night sitting at the foot of my bed just talking. We'd stay up til 3 and 4 in the morning sometimes just talking. We were much livelier than my current partner. We would chase each other through the house, giggling, squealing, screaming (playfully). We were very passionate (we were young lol.) We would get rude looks or even told off sometimes for our public displays of affection. When I'm with my current partner we rarely even hold hands. I think we don't even look like a couple. We were out to dinner a few weeks ago, and the waitress put everything on two separate checks, without asking. I guess she just assumed we didn't look like a couple? It upset me for some reason... We hardly ever do anything. Sure we go out to dinner or a movie. But when I think about my other relationship, we would go for walks almost every evening, hand in hand. We would sit in the park for hours, just talking. spending time together. And then of course there's the difference in the frequency of intimacy. And it's just a different energy in general. In the two years that I was with my ex, I would race to the door to greet him every single day. I would get butterflies in my tummy, every single day as it grew close to time to see him again. Even though I lived with him and seen him every day. There was this excitement that I have not felt since then with anyone else. It's not that I haven't loved anyone else - I definitely have. It's just different. I wish I could recapture that feeling. Losing him was like losing my best friend. That's what I miss the most, that's what I feel like is missing here in my current relationship. We have a good relationship but we aren't best friends. I hope that we can work on our relationship to become closer.
My interests include:
video games, videogames, anime, scifi, sci-fi, science-fiction, science fiction, manga, comics, games, fantasy, fantasy novels, books, reading, movies, asian ball jointed dolls, dolls, toys, collectibles, crafts, action figures, stuffed animals, cute things from japan, board games, card games, roleplaying, role-playing, rpgs, role playing games, role-playing games, dungeons and dragons, world of darkness, pathfinder, chobits, peach girl, uraboku, aishiteruze baby, full moon wo sagashite, skip beat, lovely complex, kimi ni todoke, fushigi yugi, pretear, final fantasy, lunar, persona, persona 3, persona 4, xenogears, lunar eternal blue, lunar silver star, renai, ren'ai, dating sims, otome, otome games, clannad, tsukihime, kannon, ever17, dark alchemist, good story, good stories, interesting characters
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I feel lonely alot, I typed into google "find someone to talk to" and this website came up, so I figured I would give it a shot.
I have no self confidence in myself, never have, and probably never will. I'm not just talking about not feeling pretty, although there's that too. It interferes in my work. At a job which I loved, I was told that I beat alot of people to get the job because I am good at what I do, but that I lack confidence in myself and they did not know if I could handle the stress of the job. I think that in part led to my being laid off. After that, I tried finding work in my field which is an extremely competitive field (graphic design), landed 2 or 3 jobs, only to be laid off from all of those relatively shortly after starting (some of them were over my skill level I think, but others were perhaps me secretly sabotaging myself by my panic/anxiety)
I start a new job next week.it's not in my field, however it seems like a job which I will enjoy and excel at... naturally after losing the last several jobs my already low confidence is pretty much rock bottom. I see no reason why I should not be able to do well, however I am somewhat nervous.
As for the physical, I've struggled with my weight all my life. I have never felt pretty. I have spent the majority of my adult life over 200 lbs. However, I was down to 120 lbs when I first started college. Even when I was thin and a size 7 pants / medium shirt... I never felt thin... I still felt fat... I still felt like I needed to lose more weight. I never appreciated or enjoyed how much weight I had lost (I did it all through diet and exercise, lost over 100 lbs). After I went off of said diet, my bad eating habits returned and slowly so did the weight.
I need to reconnect spiritually. I haven't really ever had a close relationship with god. I do believe there is a god, and consider myself christian. But I have not been to church now in over 15 years, and even back then my parents only took me to xmas mass. I have a bible, but the last time I opened it I was probably 11 years old. I remember that for my senior project in college, we worked with a christian youth group. We were filming so I had to attend some meetings and I remember the first meeting we sat in on, that I began to cry. I could not believe how much all these young people loved god and had such a close relationship with god. I thought about it then, how it was missing from my life, but I still didn't take steps to change that. I feel like I probably would be happier if I had that connection. I know religion isn't for everyone, but I think for me, it may be something that I need to look into. However, it can be hard to do alone. My boyfriend is an antithesis, he says it's fine if I want to go to church but that he doesn't want to go. He says he went to a catholic school and had it crammed down his throat for years and just doesn't believe it. I am shy and I feel awkward entering a new group of people alone by myself. There's also alot of things in organized religion that I don't agree with. I also don't know how to go about finding the right church group for me.
Lastly, I have no friends. I have my boyfriend and my best friend. My best friend is a very busy gal, always volunteering, working, and traveling. She also now lives about 8 hours away. She's been my best friend now for 21 years. We grew up together because our fathers were friends. I've been with my boyfriend now for 7 and a half years. It was long distance until last year. We now share an apartment together. Hoping to eventually get married and have a house. Things have been up and down alot over the years, but we're still together so I guess that speaks alot for the strength of our bond.
Since moving in here last year, my family is now over 2 hours away. I do travel to see them about twice a month. I feel very homesick, especially for my grandma who is turning 68 next month. I worry that I am "wasting time" that I will regret or be sorry for when she is gone. But at the same time, I need to have my own life. I am 29. I eventually want children. I only have a few years left to make that happen. I want a husband who loves me and a happy fulfilling career. But I kinda feel in conflict because I'm so close to my grandma. I wish she was not so far away. It makes me sad that I only see her a few days out of the year. We grew up like that too, only seeing each other once a year, due to the distance at the time. As I grew older, I began spending my summers with her, and when I graduated high school I moved in to be with her to go to college.
Soon after that, I had my first relationship. My grandparents were kind enough to let the guy stay with us as long as he paid rent. I was extremely happy then. I had a boyfriend, and I was able to be with my grandmother. I also had friends. I was also living close to extended family who I seen several times a week. The only people I missed were my parents and my best friend who I did not see for about three years.
When my relationship ended, it was very, very, very hard on me. At first, I did not understand why. But as I've grown, I've come to realize that I was a very selfish and jealous and insecure person when I was younger.
We tried again to make things work, this time with me moving in with him. Leaving home for the first time was hard. And mentally I was still not ready to grow up. I was too insecure with myself to really be with someone else.
After it ended again, my grandmother gave up her entire life and moved with me back to my parents' house on the other side of the united states. She left her husband (my grandfather). She moved away from our extended family (her son, her sisters, her nieces and nephews, and her mother) and did everything to make sure I was happy. She is turning 68 next month and works over 40 hour work weeks just to make ends meet. My mother does not work due to some type of injury or illness, so my grandmother now supports my mom and pays all the utilities and taxes and daily needs, she also helps me out with my expenses on occasion. She is the most kind, loving, self-less person in the world. I love her so much.
Two years ago my grandfather was diagnosed with stage four terminal cancer. My grandmother flew out to take care of him last year, spending the majority of 2009 with him until he passed in late october of 2009.
I was not very close to my grandfather. Growing up I never seen him. He had to work and so I never seen him when my grandmother would visit. We never talked on the phones, and this was before the age of the internet. When I moved in with them in 1999, I was already 18 years old and so he felt like a stranger to me. I being shy, and not liking to talk to people, never really put forth the effort to get to know him. I feel bad about it now that he is gone.
When I look back at my old relationship, I think sometimes the reason I miss it honestly is because of my lifestyle as a whole at that time. I was in a state which I loved, with people I loved. I had friends, I had my grandmother, I had my at-the-time boyfriend, and I had all my extended family who by the way, I have not seen in over 8 years now since moving back home to my mom's.
The other part that I miss, is where my current relationship could use some work. Or maybe it's just different and will never be the same. I try not to compare. I am happy here. I've been here a long time. But if we're comparing the two, there's a definite distance here. I sleep on the couch because I snore. I miss having someone there with me. I miss having that closeness. I remember with my ex, staying up all night sitting at the foot of my bed just talking. We'd stay up til 3 and 4 in the morning sometimes just talking. We were much livelier than my current partner. We would chase each other through the house, giggling, squealing, screaming (playfully). We were very passionate (we were young lol.) We would get rude looks or even told off sometimes for our public displays of affection. When I'm with my current partner we rarely even hold hands. I think we don't even look like a couple. We were out to dinner a few weeks ago, and the waitress put everything on two separate checks, without asking. I guess she just assumed we didn't look like a couple? It upset me for some reason... We hardly ever do anything. Sure we go out to dinner or a movie. But when I think about my other relationship, we would go for walks almost every evening, hand in hand. We would sit in the park for hours, just talking. spending time together. And then of course there's the difference in the frequency of intimacy. And it's just a different energy in general. In the two years that I was with my ex, I would race to the door to greet him every single day. I would get butterflies in my tummy, every single day as it grew close to time to see him again. Even though I lived with him and seen him every day. There was this excitement that I have not felt since then with anyone else. It's not that I haven't loved anyone else - I definitely have. It's just different. I wish I could recapture that feeling. Losing him was like losing my best friend. That's what I miss the most, that's what I feel like is missing here in my current relationship. We have a good relationship but we aren't best friends. I hope that we can work on our relationship to become closer.
My interests include:
video games, videogames, anime, scifi, sci-fi, science-fiction, science fiction, manga, comics, games, fantasy, fantasy novels, books, reading, movies, asian ball jointed dolls, dolls, toys, collectibles, crafts, action figures, stuffed animals, cute things from japan, board games, card games, roleplaying, role-playing, rpgs, role playing games, role-playing games, dungeons and dragons, world of darkness, pathfinder, chobits, peach girl, uraboku, aishiteruze baby, full moon wo sagashite, skip beat, lovely complex, kimi ni todoke, fushigi yugi, pretear, final fantasy, lunar, persona, persona 3, persona 4, xenogears, lunar eternal blue, lunar silver star, renai, ren'ai, dating sims, otome, otome games, clannad, tsukihime, kannon, ever17, dark alchemist, good story, good stories, interesting characters
deleted_user
I totally understand where u r coming from. U not alone and tyre r people hrs for you if u jut keep searching and lookin. I here too.
deleted_user
(((((((((HUGS))))))))
deleted_user
i feel a lot of the same ways you do, it's important not to let lies about yourself become a part of you and to be able to filter out the negativity. friends and security will all come with loving yourself which is very hard work.. I naturally am inclined to think everyone is judging me and all these negative things about my apperance but at this point i can consciously "turn off" those thoughts and replace them with uplifting statements. it's helping but I still have a long road to run and I want you to know a lot of people, including me understand how your feeling and it's not something you have to live with.
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