We were separated six months so I guess that is 180 days. It was another month before sex. I must say that I learned as much if not more than my h. I learned that I settled for sex to be my only real connection to my h and that I could survive without it. Reconnecting for me was anxiety ridden, sadness, trauma, learning to say no, grief mostly. There has also been tenderness, intimacy and comfort at times. It's part of the process of healing and each day brings something different. Take it as it comes and be present and true to yourself. That would be my words from Experience.

Did you have cope with flashbacks while being physically close? How did you cope with it?

The most important thing about abstinence is that the addict come to the realization that he will not die without having sex.
What you both have to work on is intimacy. Intimacy encompasses so much more than sex. Connect on other levels in the meantime. Go out to dinner together, have long walks and talks. Share things with each other you never did before with absolute transparency.
At some point you will be ready to reconnect on another level.
I would reiterate what Cynclaire said. Take it as it comes, be true to yourself and stay in the present moment and, if you do get triggered, always be kind to yourself.

Every night we've been following Doug Weiss's intimacy exercises from his 100 day guide--we pray, we each share 2 feelings with 2 event each, and give each other 2 praises/nurturing comments. We've both found it a good routine.

We do go to marriage therapy every 2-3 weeks. We are working on getting alone time away from home on a regular basis--a few hurdles to jump over, and that should become part of the routine too (Weiss includes that as part of his guide, but we're taking baby steps here).

The thing about triggers is, if you avoid them, then they become scarier. Yet, I don't want to retraumatize myself either--it seems like a tough balance?

Recovery is a process which takes years and years, not months. The rush to get back to what can be considered normal will probably trigger you more than anything else. Don't rush the process and rather than avoid triggers, find a way to cope with them that will work for you so that this makes you stronger and less fearful.
By the way, I still get triggered almost five years later. I can be my own worst enemy because I fall into the crazy making behavior faster than anyone. I am working on not doing this to myself and I take full responsibility for helping myself more than ever.

I could only wish that I could define all of these things. My H was often romantic, and sexually romantic in many ways. Although, in retrospect, I can see where there was far too much connected to his fantasies. I feel like you do Cyn, I need to stay true to myself.

The truth is that I don't feel traumatized at all. I don't feel any particular impetus to do anything. I think that at this time in my life I'm not willing to be upset about what he does, or does not, do. If I feel upset about anything, I take care of myself. It took me a good long time to attain detachment where he cannot upset me. And, I'm not likely to give that up any time soon. I once believed I couldn't do that. I was wrong. I can. And, I can carry on with living my life with, or without, him. If he stays, it is because he chooses to, not because I need for him to do that. It was once so traumatizing to me to find that he wasn't as connected as I was. It no longer is.

As far as sexual intimacy is concerned, it's my way, or the highway...period. I found that I can abstain as long as I choose to. And, as long as I don't trust him fully, I choose to. For me, now, it's as simple as that. I used to worry so much about our connection. Now, I don't worry one whit. That's his thing to do. I didn't break it, and I can't fix it.

LS - It seems to me that you have emotionally divorced your husband already.

There are those of us here who are still connected to our husbands and want our marriages to work out. We still feel the impact of the addiction and we are still traumatized and triggered. There are those of us who still want to be intimate and want to be connected.

See, this is part of the whole dysfunction for me--guessing at what "normal" is...I do have emotions that want to connect physically at some level as well, but I don't know if that's healthy, normal or safe..having said that, yes, I totally agree with the need to ensure health in other areas of the relationship before hand, but how do I know what is the "right" level of health? And yeah, I know it's not time-dependent, but having a ballpark at how long that area of recovery takes gives me some guidance into the process as well...

Cynclaire, in hindsight, do you feel that you and partner rushed?

What's right for someone else might not be right for you. I don't dare compare because I have enough issues with my self esteem and confidence levels.
What helps is physical touch that is non-sexual. Hugging, allowing yourself to be held as a form of comfort, holding hands.

Sand,

I think you will just know when you are ready. Baby steps is the best for us in healing, even though often an addict seems to be strides ahead of us in their own recovery. We need time, patience. Being intimate there is no right or wrong time limit, when your heart feels it, you will just know. Baby steps, in therapy they discussed , having lots of non sexual intimacy first. Hugging, cuddling, holding hands, as well as building that emotional intimacy too.

I agree that everyone is different. I also agree that touching without sex as the end game is important for both the addict and partner. I think I got a "sick" attitude about sex too. I allowed it to be our only connection and in so doing sort of "prostituted" myself or gave myself away because for me some connection was better than none at all. Yes, in hindsight, I feel I rushed it.

Thoughts from my experience and counseling on this topic. I am married to an avoidant who grew up neglected as one of ten children. He doesn't need a lot of touch and he associates in his marriage love with sex but not in his acting out because he wanted no emotional involvement at all. His ability to compartmentalize this is beyond my comprehension. I grew up in a very inconsistently loving house. I had affection but it was never consistent. (look who I married) I know what it's like and I want affection and get angry when I am not accommodated which from an avoidant h is all of the time except during sex and then I feel used because there is NO other affection. I believe our attachment styles from our childhoods dictate so much about the success of our marriage and once we understand both and both want to get healthy it is possible. Problem for me is avoidants are perfectly happy with the way things are and my h doesn't want to participate in change. Therefore my healing has been stalled to a point.

Sorry, I got off on dissecting my relationship and trying to figure it out. So frustrating. When I start to mentally go places that hurt me like imagining my h with other women, I try to bring myself to the present. I am hurting myself by having these intruding thoughts and sabotaging the very thing I want and crave which is closeness to my h. Part of it is that his actions have caused my insecurity but my unhealthy pattern is take it to another level. I can only work on my part and try to heal the hurt and pain the infidelity causes. The only way to really do that according to therapists is to come to a place within yourself where you truly believe that this addiction is NOT about you. My own woundings don't allow me to do that. I am working on that.

I totally understand Learning coming to the place that you have in your marriage. It is not a place I think I can be at but I don't judge you for finding that place. It allows you to survive and have some peace. I do want more out of life and my marriage but at some point I may have to accept that I can not have it with this man that I am married to because HE is not capable of it. That is my dilemma. He doesn't need it nor want intimacy bc he's never had it so doesn't know what he is missing. I believe I have searched my whole life for it and just looked in the wrong places and married someone incapable or maybe just not willing to meet me halfway.

I feel like I am really rambling this morning. I apologize.

I don't see it as rambling, its good to write, gets it all out. Shows insight sometimes into our own lives, and healing process. Why do you think he is not capable ?

Shanas: sorry you're still traumatized. That isn't a comfortable feeling at all. It's not something I miss at all. It will pass in time.

totally understand Learning coming to the place that you have in your marriage. It is not a place I think I can be at but I don't judge you for finding that place. It allows you to survive and have some peace. I do want more out of life and my marriage but at some point I may have to accept that I can not have it with this man that I am married to because HE is not capable of it. That is my dilemma. He doesn't need it nor want intimacy bc he's never had it so doesn't know what he is missing. I believe I have searched my whole life for it and just looked in the wrong places and married someone incapable or maybe just not willing to meet me halfway.

Don't apologize for rambling. You have a lot to say and you have every right to say it. It makes me sad that others feel they have to do whatever is necessary to "survive" in a marriage. No one should just be surviving. Just finding a way to survive is traumatic. Having to deal with someone who has a high level of narcissism and addiction is not something we should have to survive.

I would hope that there is a way you can find peace and happiness in your life beyond your marriage. I understand financial security all too well, but is it too much of a sacrifice?

I feel the same way shanas, I don't judge those women that stay for whatever reason but is staying in a marriage for the sake of money, or just getting by a healthy choice after so much trauma? Once I had discovery, full disclosure, there was no option to stay in a marriage that was just surviving. I did ALOT of soul searching, and prayer and decided to lay it all on the line. My husband HAD to get into recovery and HAD to stay sober or the marriage was over. Relapse means divorce. Lies mean divorce. If he stops recovery divorce. There has to be growth in each of us, and within our marriage or honestly what is the point?
Staying in a marriage f that is still dysfunctional and wrapped in addiction is just more trauma that anyone can bare, and we deserve so much more then that.