Last night I was at my friend’s house party. Obviously we got pretty drunk and my friend (I’ll call her E) ended up very drunk to the point where she could barely stand so we put her on my other friend’s (M) bed. The rest of us, M, my ‘friend’ (A) and I were also very drunk and tired and as it was 4am we all thought to just sleep on the bed. 

Before I go into what happened, I should give a brief background on what I’m like very drunk. I’m a happy drunk who has so much love for everyone even strangers. I can get quite cuddly with my friends, however it’s always completely innocent. I’m not a sexual person at all. 

Anyway, so we got on the bed and start spooning, innocently as I mentioned before and also 4 of us on a double bed is quite a squash. E and I were in the centre with M behind E and A behind me. E is fast asleep and M, A and I have a bottle of wine we share between us before we settled to sleep (stupid I know but we’re all young adults here). After that we all settleed down and A had his hand on my belly and then grabbed and held my hand, which I thought nothing of as we are all drunk. Then he let go and started tickling my belly which I thought, “weird, but okay?” and brushed it off. He then pulled my body closer to his to be point I can fully feel him on my back, which is where I started to feel fully uncomfortable. His hand starts to wander and he groped my arse cheeks and then wandered up towards my breasts. I remember this bit vividly because the bralette I was wearing is quite tight around the band and he struggled to get his fingers underneath it, to which he then started to feel my breasts. He then removed his hand and brought his fingers up to my lips and started caressing them, I don’t know what he was trying to do but it felt like he was trying to put his fingers in my mouth. I didn’t let him. All the while I could feel his lips and breath on the nape of my neck, whilst I was hugging E and crying.

It gets fuzzy towards this point as I was starting to slip into a wine coma, but I remember M asking me twice if I was okay and I said yes both times. I don’t know if anything else did or didn’t happen after that. I woke up the next morning and E and A we’re still asleep and M walked me back to my house.

I’m really confused and hurt. I haven’t stopped crying all day and nearly had a panic attack whilst with my housemates which I prevented with my anxiety meds. I feel weak for not saying anything to M who is very close to me and would do anything for me and for letting it happen. It was almost like I froze. I feel like I brought it upon myself. Was it because I was drunk? Friendly? Let him hold my hand without realising his intentions? I don’t know. 

I don’t want to tell my friends here as they’re all close to A and I don’t want to break their hearts and I’m friends with A’s girlfriend and I don’t want to break her heart either. I also don’t want to run the risk of being blamed or for them to think I’m lying. 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel. I feel like I’m over exaggerating. I feel lost and confused. I can’t really make sense of what happened.

sorry about the massive post by the way.