Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I heard the birds chirping. I like that
But I was incredibly angry.
I must have had a dream I do not recall.
All that kept going through my mind was I understand why people take a gun and shoot up a room full of kids.
Not that I would do that. What I am saying I understand the anger and pain that would cause enough grief and internal pain to make someone go over the edge and kill a bunch of people.
I have felt it.
Anguish so deep that I could not see. Could not hear.
I told my Therapist I was afraid of men. I am a man and I am scared of men in positions of authority. I think it comes from my dad.
He was the all powerful Oz you know. Whatever daddy wanted he got. A lot of sex with me when I was a child. Thankfully he died when I was 9 that is the only reason the sex and torture stopped. I am happy he is dead but I am sad to be happy about it. One should not have a reason to be glad his dad is dead.
I danced on his grave once waving my arms around while I yelled, I am glad you are dead. and plan a Fathers day piss on it one day. Yep, I fantasize about pulling my dick out in broad daylight at the church where his grave stone is and letting loose. His grave marker is 3,000 miles from me so this Fathers day is out.
From birth until 9 he had his way with me. I know the images of preverbal rape may not be completely accurate. I have had a lifetime to embellish the images. I have the feeling that stuff happened from him and my grandfather. I trust the body feelings more than the imagery in my mind. I think the body holds the memories more accurately at the preverbal age.
Weird how I repressed all of it. I had no memory or even an inkling of the sex abuse. I saw a therapist for 5 years working through the physical abuse that I did remember. But nothing of the torture and rape. Those started in 2009 when I was 44.
My new Therapist I started seeing about the rape and torture part said that it was good to have my sister so she could confirm the memories. Wish I could reminisce with her about Disneyland instead of the taste of my dad cock.
Or how the old dog was so loveable and not how one of my dad's band members came over to party with us. I guess I was a roadie for the band at like 4 years old. How they liked their blowjobs and ass fucking.
Not really sure where I was going with this post. I am just lost and out of control and my mind won't focus.
Have not been able to hold a job for 5 years now. I used to run a division and make 6 figures. Now I got like a dime and my tank is empty and I have been sleeping in my car.
I keep reading how it gets better and "you" will make it.
Today I don't feel like it. Today I understand why people shoot up crowded rooms. Today sucks.
I guess there is one thing to be happy about I get to go coach my daughter's volleyball team. I do find that fun. It is over in two weeks. That bums me out again.
But I was incredibly angry.
I must have had a dream I do not recall.
All that kept going through my mind was I understand why people take a gun and shoot up a room full of kids.
Not that I would do that. What I am saying I understand the anger and pain that would cause enough grief and internal pain to make someone go over the edge and kill a bunch of people.
I have felt it.
Anguish so deep that I could not see. Could not hear.
I told my Therapist I was afraid of men. I am a man and I am scared of men in positions of authority. I think it comes from my dad.
He was the all powerful Oz you know. Whatever daddy wanted he got. A lot of sex with me when I was a child. Thankfully he died when I was 9 that is the only reason the sex and torture stopped. I am happy he is dead but I am sad to be happy about it. One should not have a reason to be glad his dad is dead.
I danced on his grave once waving my arms around while I yelled, I am glad you are dead. and plan a Fathers day piss on it one day. Yep, I fantasize about pulling my dick out in broad daylight at the church where his grave stone is and letting loose. His grave marker is 3,000 miles from me so this Fathers day is out.
From birth until 9 he had his way with me. I know the images of preverbal rape may not be completely accurate. I have had a lifetime to embellish the images. I have the feeling that stuff happened from him and my grandfather. I trust the body feelings more than the imagery in my mind. I think the body holds the memories more accurately at the preverbal age.
Weird how I repressed all of it. I had no memory or even an inkling of the sex abuse. I saw a therapist for 5 years working through the physical abuse that I did remember. But nothing of the torture and rape. Those started in 2009 when I was 44.
My new Therapist I started seeing about the rape and torture part said that it was good to have my sister so she could confirm the memories. Wish I could reminisce with her about Disneyland instead of the taste of my dad cock.
Or how the old dog was so loveable and not how one of my dad's band members came over to party with us. I guess I was a roadie for the band at like 4 years old. How they liked their blowjobs and ass fucking.
Not really sure where I was going with this post. I am just lost and out of control and my mind won't focus.
Have not been able to hold a job for 5 years now. I used to run a division and make 6 figures. Now I got like a dime and my tank is empty and I have been sleeping in my car.
I keep reading how it gets better and "you" will make it.
Today I don't feel like it. Today I understand why people shoot up crowded rooms. Today sucks.
I guess there is one thing to be happy about I get to go coach my daughter's volleyball team. I do find that fun. It is over in two weeks. That bums me out again.
...For me it was a feeling of blinding and terrible emptiness. Devastation I couldn't feel at age 6, so it was canned, along with the memory.
Remember it passes, ok?
Remember also, you're way better than they are.
I also lived out of my car due to job loss, which was due to me being too preoccupied with my abuse to focus on my job well - and I know that you know this - there is much to live for, especially if you have a daughter. But there are days when I think most, if not all of us have had those days when we "wake up mad". I would tell you "it gets better", but I have no guarantee of that - all I can say is that NONE of us knows what tomorrow brings and so there is always the chance that tomorrow WILL be better.
Keep trying and come here to get support as you need. There are many of us who can relate and I know that such has helped me in the past -
All my best - you will be in my thoughts!
Refuse2quit