Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
In my many years of therapy, I have repeatedly heard of victim's / survivors who told their parents they were being molested, only to be told they were not or that they were just making such a claim for attention. The effects of these denials are often traumatic, especially if your parent had always been supportive or protective in the past.
My own mother's reaction to my first telling her I had been molested by an uncle was "oh, you must have misunderstood what was happening - he is just a very lonely person who wouldn't hurt a fly" - and from the outside, this is how he looked. But a few days later when I talked to her again about it and told her EXACTLY what he had done, she flew into a rage at him. I had protected this secret for several years as I knew that telling what was happening would destroy much of our extended family. I begged and pleaded with her not to tell anyone, made her swear that she would not let on that she knew. And she did just that. She remained silent, although I suspect she told her sister who was married to the perp as he and my aunt suddenly got a divorce that turned out VERY messy as she outed him as being gay.
Now this was years ago and I was young. In hindsight my mother SHOULD have told, she SHOULD have screamed it from the rooftops, but she didn't. But as I say, after many years of therapy, hindsight can be very clear, but still changes nothing.
I had to work through my mother's failure to report, as in time I started blaming her for being uncaring. But in time I had to realize, my Mother was human too, and thus prone to making mistakes, just as I did. She thought being quiet would help, the old "just don't talk about it and it will go away" approach. I tried that, but it did not help. In fact, it allowed the poison to fester and build up until there was no way it could help from come out - In various destructive ways. When I was able to accept that yes, my mother did fail me, but she did not intend harm to come from it, and felt that it spared me the indignity of having to tell others what occurred, I was able to forgive her. And I am so glad I did as later she became such a support to me. My mother just passed away a couple of months ago, and perhaps that is why I am writing this, but to others who have had this occur to them I want to say - holding on to the failures of the past does little good toward healing; but accepting what occurred and moving on, realizing that molestation victimizes not only the child, but often the child's immediate family allows you to seek help for all involved. What occurred to me was traumatic to my entire family, especially as most of them did not find out until long after the abuse was over with. I truly believe my mother blamed herself for not protecting me right until the end, which is why she kept saying "I'm sorry" to me over and over as she lay dying of cancer. I tried to tell her I was okay now, but her meds were so strong I don't think she could understand. So much of her life was spent with regrets and she did not deserve that.
If you were molested by your parent's that is different thing. But I see little help in keeping the negativity toward our often flawed families bottled up inside. Find your peace with this and move on - otherwise it will hold you back from feeling true freedom and enjoying life as you should have been allowed to do all along.
Thanks for listening.
My own mother's reaction to my first telling her I had been molested by an uncle was "oh, you must have misunderstood what was happening - he is just a very lonely person who wouldn't hurt a fly" - and from the outside, this is how he looked. But a few days later when I talked to her again about it and told her EXACTLY what he had done, she flew into a rage at him. I had protected this secret for several years as I knew that telling what was happening would destroy much of our extended family. I begged and pleaded with her not to tell anyone, made her swear that she would not let on that she knew. And she did just that. She remained silent, although I suspect she told her sister who was married to the perp as he and my aunt suddenly got a divorce that turned out VERY messy as she outed him as being gay.
Now this was years ago and I was young. In hindsight my mother SHOULD have told, she SHOULD have screamed it from the rooftops, but she didn't. But as I say, after many years of therapy, hindsight can be very clear, but still changes nothing.
I had to work through my mother's failure to report, as in time I started blaming her for being uncaring. But in time I had to realize, my Mother was human too, and thus prone to making mistakes, just as I did. She thought being quiet would help, the old "just don't talk about it and it will go away" approach. I tried that, but it did not help. In fact, it allowed the poison to fester and build up until there was no way it could help from come out - In various destructive ways. When I was able to accept that yes, my mother did fail me, but she did not intend harm to come from it, and felt that it spared me the indignity of having to tell others what occurred, I was able to forgive her. And I am so glad I did as later she became such a support to me. My mother just passed away a couple of months ago, and perhaps that is why I am writing this, but to others who have had this occur to them I want to say - holding on to the failures of the past does little good toward healing; but accepting what occurred and moving on, realizing that molestation victimizes not only the child, but often the child's immediate family allows you to seek help for all involved. What occurred to me was traumatic to my entire family, especially as most of them did not find out until long after the abuse was over with. I truly believe my mother blamed herself for not protecting me right until the end, which is why she kept saying "I'm sorry" to me over and over as she lay dying of cancer. I tried to tell her I was okay now, but her meds were so strong I don't think she could understand. So much of her life was spent with regrets and she did not deserve that.
If you were molested by your parent's that is different thing. But I see little help in keeping the negativity toward our often flawed families bottled up inside. Find your peace with this and move on - otherwise it will hold you back from feeling true freedom and enjoying life as you should have been allowed to do all along.
Thanks for listening.
Peace and progress -
Refuse2quit
I found years ago that when I held others to blame and did not let go of the negative feelings that come with that, I hurt no one but myself; I found this out by finally blasting off on someone that had hurt me years before - they were not even aware I was upset with them. So I had been carrying this anger around with me, just knowing they were well aware of what they had done. They were not. It had eaten away at my soul in so many ways; but they were totally unaware and unbothered by it. So who was really damaged here? Not them. Me. So I found that it was through forgiving that I could set myself free. After having been very harmed by my abusers, I had allowed a lot of pain to build up inside me. I had let the negative feelings overcome me and I found I was holding a lot of people responsible for perceived slights that they had not intended, so much of the "offense" was in my head; I was taking offense at soooo much that, in reality was me just being hypersensitive to little phrases or actions that normally would not have been noticed by others. So I started on the road to forgiveness. And the first stop was forgiving myself. I hold close to the belief that until you can forgive and love yourself, you cannot truly forgive and love others. It was not overnight, not instant gratification, but it happened overtime. Sometimes it was one step forward and six back, but we are talking about retraining our thinking and that takes persistence to persevere. And the effort was again outweighed by the benefits. My mother passed, knowing I loved her - I do wish she could have loved herself more, but she blamed herself for every little failure that our family experienced it seemed and she took that blame to the grave. She could not feel all the love we had for her as she was too busy thinking about the times she let us down. And so much of her life was wasted in such thought.
Please find peace with yourself - then you can freely move forward. Guilt is an impediment, shame is nothing but a stumbling block. Pick yourself up, congratulate yourself for being as strong as you have been thus far and move forward, because that is the direction of life - it never goes backward, always forward.
Be kind to yourself - you deserve it!
Again, I was not talking about every parent, but sometimes there are very good parents who just "shut down" a the time you need them most.
And really my post was about forgiveness - the importance of it and how without it YOU are the one to pay, not your parents or the others. The negativity that is often held in can really destroy a person, and I personally have had enough destroyed. That's why I Refuse2quit!
Best of all to you and I hope you find healing in your journey!
for her to understand. Forgiveness has brought so much healing to me. I realize I am human and want God to forgive me for my shortcomings.It was also difficult to accept that my grandmother
witnessed the abuse and tried to hide it from my parents. She didnt comfort or protect me at all I have also forgiven her. I asked God to forgive me for the resentment I carried for her through my childhood. I have such freedom since I have forgiven and received forgiveness
It was hard for me to love a mother I didn't really know. She was quiet, plain-looking, not terribly bright and laughed too much; I did not identify with her, respect her, or connect.
I could not love my step-mother. She was big-boned with an almost bulbous nose, grayish skin, and hair gone to white long before its time; I was terrified of her.
The descriptors above reflect my world as a victim. I didn't realize for years that my parents and step-mother carried their own baggage. Instead, with child's mind, I thought they knew what they were doing and that they had all the answers to life.
It would not occur to me until my mother's death, that they were all acting out their own inner confusion and dysfunctional beliefs that were passed down to them from their own parents.
My paternal grandfather was a brilliant self-educated, handsome man with many gifts and talents--but he was a spirit-breaker. I don't know what kinds of things he was taught as a child except as they were reflected in his own children and in me.
My maternal grandmother was uneducated, homely--I always wondered what my grandfather saw in her--and was a victim of sexual abuse and possibly incest. I've often wondered if she was the one who passed on the abuse to her sons for of the four they had, three, including my father, became perpetrators.
I didn't know my maternal grandparents. And it was only upon my mothers death that I learned that my great grandmother, Isabella, created a life of hell for my mom...threatening her with death constantly. Learning this went a long way in explaining my mom's choices and her life.
As for my step-mother, I know nothing about her history except that, according to her siblings, she seemed to be the odd one of the bunch; the rest were all warm and kind people. She was a woman filled with fear, jealousy and anger. And she took those feelings out on three helpless children.
She knew dad was abusing us but instead of protecting us she was jealous and claimed we must have enjoyed it. Was it her fear speaking? Or her blind love for she was truly blinded with love for my father.
When I confronted my mom about my youngest abuse--from the crib to four--she turned into a 14-year old child before my eyes, dropping her head and fiddling with the knit button on her knit sweater. I knew then that even if my parents had not divorced she would never have been able to protect me.
And then the baton of parenthood was passed to me. And at first, all I had to work with was what I had been given growing up. I didn't know how to connect with my son, though I loved him with all my heart.
I didn't know how to encourage his gifts or how to explain life to him. I didn't know how to create the emotional connection that all children need. And I would not know--until the memories of abuse and neglect returned when my dad died and I began to work on my healing.
Of course, I cannot speak for all parents who experienced abuse as children, I only know that I let my son down in many ways. Not because I didn't care, but because I didn't know there was another way to be.
Once I learned that life was not all about walls of protection, fear and victimhood this knowledge brought with it compassion for my parents and grandparents and for all my relations.
I know that compassion does not erase the past or excuse the passing on of abuse; it only makes it sadly understandable. With that understanding it was easier for me to see the wounded people who impacted my life.
Once I became aware I was carrying generations of baggage filled with lies I cried for my own innocent child self who had been given so much to carry; and I cried for all the children before me and after me who continued to carry this baggage out of denial, fear, and ignorance.
If only they had known there was a different way to be....
SuzA
I am so sorry to hear about the baggage that was handed down to you. You told you story so eloquently and your response was so well thought out - I hope you have found peace within yourself and that your pain is lessened by your sharing the experience.
Again, Peace -
Refuse2quit
My husband is an abuse survivor and he has wondered if his parents would have believed him. I did not tell him this but I don't think they would be supportive. Even for his birthday his dad doensn't even know when my husbsand's birthday is.
Hang on to your supporters and to hell with everyone else. It only hinders your progress.