Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hi there.
I'm sorry if this is going to come out in rambles but I'm feeling quite confused about things.
I haven't used this forum in quite a long time now as I've been doing really well. However over the last couple of days something has been somewhat triggered, shall we say, and now I'm completely preoccupied with anxiety and have an overwhelming feeling that some 'bad things' happened when I was a child.
My Dad was an alcoholic and was violent towards my Mum and so was her partner after him. I witnessed/heard a lot of the violence towards her but I don't actually remember much at all to do with their relationship towards me. I don't remember playing games or even really just talking to them. There are huge parts of my childhood that I don't remember though and it makes me wonder why.
I don't even remember what it was that triggered these thoughts about this now but I keep having moments where I remember very small snippets of things that happened or feelings I had back then. Nothing concrete and no real 'events'. I'm not even sure if they are real??? But this has only happened in the last two days. Is there more to come? Have I opened something up without realizing? Why now when I was so stable and doing so well?
I've just been referred back to have an assessment for anorexia again as I've recently been struggling with my eating (although I don't feel it's been related as this has been going on for a few months now). My referral letter was supposed to have been sent over a month ago though and I've heard nothing back. I'm mentioning this because I'm not currently seeing a therapist and haven't for nearly 3 years! If I get sent back to outpatients for the anorexia again I wondered whether I should ask to see my old therapist again for continuity if anymore of this kind of shit comes up!?
Any thoughts? I'm feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment and as I said at the start, pretty preoccupied with these thoughts and feelings. Thanks.
x-Bliss-x
P.S *TRIGGER WARNING*
Also...something that has bothered me for a while now but haven't really dwelled on it as there can be other reasons for it is... I feel quite weird in even mentioning it to be honest but... I 'lost my virginity' very late at 23 with my first boyfriend who I'm still with now (yeah I know, I didn't get into a relationship for a long time) However things that are supposed to happen with that...didn't... there was no blood and it didn't hurt. I know a lot of girls would think this is great, but for me, I just feel alarm bells ringing inside.
I should also point out, I never used tampons until very recently and I wasn't the sporty type...
I'm sorry if this is going to come out in rambles but I'm feeling quite confused about things.
I haven't used this forum in quite a long time now as I've been doing really well. However over the last couple of days something has been somewhat triggered, shall we say, and now I'm completely preoccupied with anxiety and have an overwhelming feeling that some 'bad things' happened when I was a child.
My Dad was an alcoholic and was violent towards my Mum and so was her partner after him. I witnessed/heard a lot of the violence towards her but I don't actually remember much at all to do with their relationship towards me. I don't remember playing games or even really just talking to them. There are huge parts of my childhood that I don't remember though and it makes me wonder why.
I don't even remember what it was that triggered these thoughts about this now but I keep having moments where I remember very small snippets of things that happened or feelings I had back then. Nothing concrete and no real 'events'. I'm not even sure if they are real??? But this has only happened in the last two days. Is there more to come? Have I opened something up without realizing? Why now when I was so stable and doing so well?
I've just been referred back to have an assessment for anorexia again as I've recently been struggling with my eating (although I don't feel it's been related as this has been going on for a few months now). My referral letter was supposed to have been sent over a month ago though and I've heard nothing back. I'm mentioning this because I'm not currently seeing a therapist and haven't for nearly 3 years! If I get sent back to outpatients for the anorexia again I wondered whether I should ask to see my old therapist again for continuity if anymore of this kind of shit comes up!?
Any thoughts? I'm feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment and as I said at the start, pretty preoccupied with these thoughts and feelings. Thanks.
x-Bliss-x
P.S *TRIGGER WARNING*
Also...something that has bothered me for a while now but haven't really dwelled on it as there can be other reasons for it is... I feel quite weird in even mentioning it to be honest but... I 'lost my virginity' very late at 23 with my first boyfriend who I'm still with now (yeah I know, I didn't get into a relationship for a long time) However things that are supposed to happen with that...didn't... there was no blood and it didn't hurt. I know a lot of girls would think this is great, but for me, I just feel alarm bells ringing inside.
I should also point out, I never used tampons until very recently and I wasn't the sporty type...
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I would urge you to go to a therapist so they can help you with all the snippets you are getting and with all the feelings you must be feeling about now. Please don't try to go through this alone. You deserve to have support and help to get through your healing process.
Trust your gut. If you feel alarm bells are ringing there is probably a reason for it. For years I went to therapist after therapist trying to heal my anxiety and panic and each one wanted to put me on meds. I just kept telling them "No. I don't want meds. It's not a chemical imbalance. I feel deep in my soul that there is something that caused my anxiety". And I was right. Trust your gut. Get a therapist and start your healing process.
Take care
About your experience in losing your virginity: that in itself is not necessarily significant because not everyone has a full hymen.
I've started to write down bits I remember about my childhood that have come up recently. It makes it feel less disorganized.
If I do see a therapist, I'm thinking it might help me bring this up with them too.
@donnawanda - thank you for your comment on my worry. I had heard that not all girls have a complete hymen. It's just something that's niggling in the back of my mind. I know it's in no way evidence of anything happening though.