Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I apologize if this is too long. This is literally the first time I have said anything "out loud". I am not even sure what all there is to be said. I think I need help, guidance. I am a 45 year old mother of three. I am about to celebrate my 23 wedding anniversary. All good things. But...
My childhood was by no means a good one. We all have stories to tell. But most of my childhood comes to me in "snapshots". I have no real memories per se. I have approximately 10 "pictures" and thats it. There is so much empty space when I try to remember. Things that I know I should remember, but I just can't. It's blank.
Several years ago I was struck, like lightening...I was molested. I have no memory of it though. So it can't be real, right? Yesterday, randomly, I researched "signs" of repressed memories regarding sexual abuse. I hit on just a tick above 50% of them. I started to shake. I started to cry. FOR NO REASON!
My signs? Some are nebulous. They may or may not be actual signs. But to list a few: again, no real memories; klepto from young age. I would steal everything not bolted down; promiscuous to the point of abusurdity. I relate you wanted to have sex with me to you actually liking me. That is all I am worth. I have cheated on my husband time and again. All you have to do is be nice to me and I will send you a pic of my boobs. That's why you were nice, right?; I remember having a knowledge of and doing things that no 1st or 2nd grader should know about or be doing; I lost my virginity at 14....he was nice to me, what else was I supposed to do?
I am sure there are other things, but those are the ones that hit me the most yesterday. What now? Does it even matter?
No one knows about any of this. Including my husband. I just can't even fathom sharing this with anyone in my life. I feel so dirty, used, tainted. I don't understand why! I am 45 years old! IF it happened, it was long ago. I moved to SC in the 3rd grade. I was mastrubating as early as the 1st grade (actual insertion of things. 1st grade!!) So I believe it would have been quite a bit younger than 5 when it happened...IF it happened. I am happy in my life. I love my husband. My kids are my life. I have a job I love! So why am I here? Why is this even an issue now? What the hell am I supposed to do with it?
I don't have insurance. Counseling is not an option. Even it it were an option, what would it help? Do I want to remember? I am crying, as I write this post, and I can't seem to understand why or to just stop. Why can't I just stop?!? It isn't even a real memory, so why am I upset now?
I don't know if anyone can help me. I just have no where to go. I don't know what to do with this. I just don't know....absoutely lost right now....
My own memories were blocked for many years and I remember feeling, even before the pictures started to come back that "there's something I don't remember, I don't know what it was, it scares me, I want to know, I don't want to know...." I would have panic attacks for what seemed like no reason then, only there was a reason even though I only recognised it later. And I believe you have a reason to be upset and crying too. I know it's hard. But your feelings are real, no matter where exactly they come from. Your emotions, your tears, they're real and they have a reason to be there. I know it's painful. Please, try to be gentle with yourself. Take good care for yourself, give yourself time and space to cry, to write a diary, whatever helps you release these feelings and specially and above all: Do things you like to do, things that make you feel good. Caring for yourself is the best and most important thing you can do.
Gentle healing hugs
The fact that you have always felt you owed people your body shows that you are struggling with trauma. No one is owed your body. No one deserves your body through kindness. No one is entitled to you.
I think moving forward it will be important for you to focus on what you want, what you are comfortable with, and what bothers you about your past behavior.
Dont think about why any one deserved it, dont think about why it upset or uplifted other people, think about its effects on you and you alone.
Its you that matters right now.
My point in saying this is, If your gut is telling you that that happened; more than likely it is not wrong. You need to get help somewhere. Support groups such as these and local ones can be an option too if you feel you can handle that. I can't handle talking through things with strangers in a room so I do reach out to counseling. I am lucky to have a significant other that will listen and try not to fix, knowing that I am trying to work.