Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I wonder how our backgrounds have molded our perceptions of love.
When I started dating I had no idea of what to look for in a man. In fact, the first man I "fell in love" with was a behavioral copy of my father--he was an alcoholic who treated me poorly: e.g.,
*He promised to come pick me up from work because I did not drive at that time. I got off at 10:00p.m. but found myself waiting until after 2:00a.m.--that's when the bars closed.
*He never shared his deepest feelings with me or even told me about his childhood. I learned from a mutual friend that he had been raised in an orphanage.
*He flirted back with women who flirted with him when we were together. Because he was a very handsome man I thought that that was only natural. I felt "less than" and insecure. I did not know there were different ways to act.
It took me a long time to learn what love really is.
I'm wondering how you all would describe love. ????? Not the stereotypes from the movies, but from real life.
xx
SuzA
When I started dating I had no idea of what to look for in a man. In fact, the first man I "fell in love" with was a behavioral copy of my father--he was an alcoholic who treated me poorly: e.g.,
*He promised to come pick me up from work because I did not drive at that time. I got off at 10:00p.m. but found myself waiting until after 2:00a.m.--that's when the bars closed.
*He never shared his deepest feelings with me or even told me about his childhood. I learned from a mutual friend that he had been raised in an orphanage.
*He flirted back with women who flirted with him when we were together. Because he was a very handsome man I thought that that was only natural. I felt "less than" and insecure. I did not know there were different ways to act.
It took me a long time to learn what love really is.
I'm wondering how you all would describe love. ????? Not the stereotypes from the movies, but from real life.
xx
SuzA
I personally believe love could be described basically as:
"Strong feelings to be ________ with someone"
where the blank, or blanks depends on the person describing their version of love. In reality how someone 'loves' someone would be a stronger version of who they already are. So if someone is a liar and/or manipulator , they will feel an even stronger desire to lie or be manipulative to someone they 'love'. Someone who is already honest and/or humble will feel an even stronger desire to be honest and humble with someone they love.
Note that both individuals would swear that what they feel towards their person of interest is love and both would be saddened (though may show it in who knows what way including pretending that it did not matter) if they were to lose the person they felt they loved.
That being said, I feel the following are healthy ways the blank could be filled in, that the following type of person is the type of love I want and have found in a few kindred spirits:
-being humble
(note: if our pride typically causes us to be reserved, being humble may mean to speak up, or vice versa as the situation applies).
-taking initiative.
-showing acceptance.
-being honest.
-being grateful.
-being offering.
-being inviting.
-not needing definitive answers 'right now'( willingness to let time show things for what they truly are) .
-developing healthy boundaries(feeling free to say yes or no, stop or keep going, etc as the situation applies).
Good topic my fellow survivor,
Broken
So, when you think about what you're going to do to make someone else's day/life easier/better/more beautiful, and you do this without judgment, hatred, or prejudice, that's when you know you love someone.
I also believe there are some common guideposts that point to sincere love. For me, one of those guideposts is kindness. Kind people do not manipulate, lie, cheat, steal or hurt others. Kindness covers a lot of territory.
Acceptance and gratitude also cover a lot of territory for me--as you mentioned.
rockout, your clear and plain description of love is extremely helpful. Thank you. I would only suggest, as survivors, that we do not make another's life better at our own expense and that when we do do something wonderful for the one we love that we "do this without judgment, hatred, or prejudice" as you say, or--I add--without expectation. We do it out of love and for no other reason.
Both your responses brought tears to my eyes. I'll need to be with myself to discover why.
xx
SuzA
The feeling of love is a chemically induced one, just like being happy, sad, or glad. Its a chemical response to what we feel for someone who seems at the time to encompass what we want to be around. Maybe they are handsome, confident, and caring, so we are drawn to it. Maybe its just lust were we are physically attracted to someone and we really don't have much in common at first but we build to it, because we are that physically attracted to them. But true love in my opinion, is knowing that the person is flawed, that they are not perfect, and that I can deal with their flaws and still feel they are a great person, and someone I can or want to spend a great deal of time with.
I just get confused because sometimes some of the men I've met with think that love means sex, and so I'm not sure who's right or wrong, but I just feel like I might be..
Trust yourself. You are right. Love does not mean sex. And most particularly, love does not mean sex when the person is just trying to get sex.
Some characteristics of love in a strong relationship according to Dov Heller, M.A. are:
1. Trust
2. Ability to communicate freely
3. Intimacy (both sexual and emotional)
4. A sense of humor
5. Sharing tasks
6. Getaway time together
7. Daily exchanges (meal, shared activities, hugs, calls, touches, notes, etc.)
8. Shared common goals and interests
9. Giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure.
10. Giving each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment.
I'd add, knowing each other's deepest fears, sorrows, and greatest dreams. (This speaks to trust, communication, and emotional intimacy.)
These characteristics may help guide your understanding of what love is. As you can see, sex is a small part of the overall package. It's important, yes, but it is not everything.
Trust yourself ironicgirl. Listen to your gut.
xx
SuzA
As far as romantic love? I have yet to have a healthy relationship with a man. The closest thing to it was my ex-husband...he tried. I still dream of a happily ever after someday.
I love people and so much more. i simply love life and i try to see the love in everyone.
thanks.