Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
A friend suggested I watch a movie about dealing with high school and in this movie, there is a core theme, dealing with sexual abuse. Charlie is a young man who befriends a girl, Sam, who was sexually abused at 11 by her dad's boss. Charlie, it is revealed much later, was abused by his aunt. How he struggles with this, and an anger he tries to ignore, for you love you aunts, made me open a door to a memory of something that happened to me when I was 11. And something that happened to me when I was 13.
Although I recall both of these events with clarity, whether they were sexual abuse or not is veiled in a fog. Sexual abuse always includes words to the effect, "the perpetrator did this for their own sexual satisfaction." So...i''m not sure.
I had a girlfriend growing up and her family owned a vacation home on a lake near town and once in a while I would be invited out for a day of swimming. I spent a lot of time at their house and had known my friend since first grade. When I was 12 we moved away but my friend and I kept in contact and then she asked me to come spend some time with her at the lake house. The family had built a second house up the hill, but had left the log cabin standing and she and I spent the nights there, telling horror stories and just having a good time. The next day, we had finished swimming and I was done with sun bathing and wanted to get out of my bathing suit, but she wanted to sunbath for a bit longer. So I went to our bedroom and got out of my swimming suit and was drying myself off when I turned to see her dad looking at me and smiling. I grabbed for the towel and when I looked again, he was gone. But why would he do that, there was no reason for him to be back in the bedroom. What made him think he could just walk in on me, and why was he smiling? Was it just a mistake? I was thirteen.
When I was eleven, I use to play basketball and on Saturdays and Sundays I would ride my bicycle to the playground and practice. On this day, two high school boys were the only people there. They knew me, and I knew them, and they had let me play with them before. At some point though, the game turned from basketball to chasing me. I laughed and ran and they laughed and chased, but finally, I couldn't run anymore and fell to the ground laughing. They pounced on me and started tickling me when suddenly it wasn't fun anymore. One of the boys put his hand between my legs and started fondling. As soon as i started crying he stopped and said he was sorry, and I believed him.
Trust s a fragile thing, and I have trouble with people getting too close to me. I think I am okay, but then some weird thing can make a memory flash in my mind, an adrenalin rush, a quicken heart rate, a dew of perspiration, and an uneasy panic.
I don't know what to think. Was this sexual abuse or were they just teasing me?
Although I recall both of these events with clarity, whether they were sexual abuse or not is veiled in a fog. Sexual abuse always includes words to the effect, "the perpetrator did this for their own sexual satisfaction." So...i''m not sure.
I had a girlfriend growing up and her family owned a vacation home on a lake near town and once in a while I would be invited out for a day of swimming. I spent a lot of time at their house and had known my friend since first grade. When I was 12 we moved away but my friend and I kept in contact and then she asked me to come spend some time with her at the lake house. The family had built a second house up the hill, but had left the log cabin standing and she and I spent the nights there, telling horror stories and just having a good time. The next day, we had finished swimming and I was done with sun bathing and wanted to get out of my bathing suit, but she wanted to sunbath for a bit longer. So I went to our bedroom and got out of my swimming suit and was drying myself off when I turned to see her dad looking at me and smiling. I grabbed for the towel and when I looked again, he was gone. But why would he do that, there was no reason for him to be back in the bedroom. What made him think he could just walk in on me, and why was he smiling? Was it just a mistake? I was thirteen.
When I was eleven, I use to play basketball and on Saturdays and Sundays I would ride my bicycle to the playground and practice. On this day, two high school boys were the only people there. They knew me, and I knew them, and they had let me play with them before. At some point though, the game turned from basketball to chasing me. I laughed and ran and they laughed and chased, but finally, I couldn't run anymore and fell to the ground laughing. They pounced on me and started tickling me when suddenly it wasn't fun anymore. One of the boys put his hand between my legs and started fondling. As soon as i started crying he stopped and said he was sorry, and I believed him.
Trust s a fragile thing, and I have trouble with people getting too close to me. I think I am okay, but then some weird thing can make a memory flash in my mind, an adrenalin rush, a quicken heart rate, a dew of perspiration, and an uneasy panic.
I don't know what to think. Was this sexual abuse or were they just teasing me?
The teenage boy definitely took the fun too far. I glad he stopped and apologized. Even if he didn't mean to take it as far as he did it still made you feel uncomfortable and violated.
I would suggest you work with a therapist so you can heal your feelings. These are legitimate feelings and talking them through with a therapist will likely help you a great deal.
Please know that in both these instances you did nothing wrong.
Take care
From a legal perspective, yes there does have to be a sexual intent from the perpetrator. But, for the perspective of the recipient, intent is less on a issue. Imagine a child sat on Grandpa's knee. If he had a partial erection, possibly because he needed a pee. and the child noticed and felt uncomfortable, would that be abuse? Legally, probably not as there was no sexual intent. But the child may still FEEL abused none the less. From that perspective, intent doesn't matter.
So, maybe it doesn't matter what your friend's father's intent was. It may have been totally accidental, it may not. You may never know either way. What matters is the impact it had on you.
I think the dad thing, I think maybe that wouldn't have been that big a thing if the boy thing hadn't happened. I guess I just felt violated. I don't know. The dad thing was because I had so much trust in him. I had known him since I was 6. He would pick me up and twirl me about and I was close to him. The idea that he walked back there to see me naked, for some sexual thing...I mean, why else would he do that?
I'm sorry, I don't mean to go on about this. Your input has been very helpful. Thanks.
* he did it with some sexual intent
* he may have been concerned about you in some way and had not expected to see you naked
* he wanted the toilet (if that was adjacent?) and happened upon you
* something else entirely
But what matters from your perspective is how you felt, not what he intended. Even if his actions were unintentional / innocent, your feelings are your feelings and they are still valid.
Have you considered counselling? Talking with a therapist may help.
It goes on to list the possible problems victims may have following the incidence. Interestingly, to me anyway, I have several of these: Anxiety, Embarrassment, Fear, Loss of trust, Anger, Denial.
I find myself angry today. When I watched the movie and saw how this boy was, what he was thinking, how he was thinking, it all came crashing in on me. I watched, terrified with the shock, "I know these feelings." And then you guys confirmed what I was wondering.
If anyone who has gone through this, Did counseling help you? What is it like? Did you have to feel a lot worse before you felt better? Do you feel better? Are you ever at peace with it?
Therapy, in my opinion, is the best way to heal from what you have experienced. A therapist will justify your feelings and will be able to explain them to you as well as help you process them in a safe environment. By process I mean, help you to feel them. For example: You are feeling angry. It is very easy to get angry at anything that happens to you because the anger is there from your past. Each time something today gets you angry a little of the past anger comes out. The way I can usually tell if I am angry at something today or if the anger is from my past is by how severe the anger is. So if someone cuts me off in traffic and I feel so much anger that I want to hurt someone - that is my anger from the past. It's legitimate anger but not for the circumstance of being cut off in traffic. It's displaced. A good therapist will help you to see this and will teach you how to release your anger without doing any harm to yourself or others. I have done many things that include:
-Punch a punching bag or pillow
-Scream into a pillow - I scream in my car a lot
-Rip up a cardboard box
-Cry - yes crying does release anger
When releasing the anger in these safe ways it is important for me to focus my anger where it belongs - at the man who abused me.
It is very common for us to want to put a name or label on what happened to us. This, on some level, will take the blame off of us and place it on another person. It says "I am not at fault because this is what happened to me". This is a very normal first step in acceptance. Now that you have accepted the truth of what happened your next step will be to heal from it and that, IMO, involves therapy.
You can heal from what happened and you deserve to heal from it. You asked "Did you have to feel a lot worse before you felt better" and I think this varies from person to person. The healing process is not easy and has many highs and lows to it. But, it is a personal journey and yours will be very different from others here. To compare them would be difficult. There are similarities, of course, but overall the journey's are as unique as the individuals going through them.
Take care