Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I have had multiple situations in which bad things have happened to be and I have been clearly the victim. I still have issues with those but one particular issue really bothers me.
It started when I was 12. This 5 or 6 year old kid kept touching me in ways I really didn't want. Over time it went from my stomach to other areas. Sometimes I did the touching. Mostly, I just let him do whatever he wanted. I remember I asked him why he was doing this and he said "because God says to love one another" every time i looked back on that, or any other time I've been abused (physically mentally and sexually) I always ask myself why I didn't fight back, or say no. Why didn't I do anything? Why don't I ever? I just let things happen and go along with whatever, even though the entire time there's a voice inside me screaming "NO!" Anyway, I forgot about it and moved on (sort of) However when I was 16 situations happened where I had to be around this child again and the same thing happened. My reaction was the same. I never liked it, but I let it happen/participated. It was like some part of me just shut down and I just don't think to say no. Like in the future when a girl I didn't like touched me and I kissed her. I didn't want to but I thought that was what I was meant to do I guess, I don't know. Whenever my brother hit me I didn't think to hit back. I just curled up and let it happen. However, this was a child. A nine year old. I should have said something. Helped him or done something I don't know. Now I'm scared I messed this kid up for life, and I can't talk to a psychologist because they have to report it. I can't contact the kid and ask him to get help because I ran away from that home (his parents don't speak to me) I am not attracted to kids, I don't know why I did what I did and it's killing me. I can't talk to anyone though because I'm scared. What do you think? am I an abuser? What should I do?
It started when I was 12. This 5 or 6 year old kid kept touching me in ways I really didn't want. Over time it went from my stomach to other areas. Sometimes I did the touching. Mostly, I just let him do whatever he wanted. I remember I asked him why he was doing this and he said "because God says to love one another" every time i looked back on that, or any other time I've been abused (physically mentally and sexually) I always ask myself why I didn't fight back, or say no. Why didn't I do anything? Why don't I ever? I just let things happen and go along with whatever, even though the entire time there's a voice inside me screaming "NO!" Anyway, I forgot about it and moved on (sort of) However when I was 16 situations happened where I had to be around this child again and the same thing happened. My reaction was the same. I never liked it, but I let it happen/participated. It was like some part of me just shut down and I just don't think to say no. Like in the future when a girl I didn't like touched me and I kissed her. I didn't want to but I thought that was what I was meant to do I guess, I don't know. Whenever my brother hit me I didn't think to hit back. I just curled up and let it happen. However, this was a child. A nine year old. I should have said something. Helped him or done something I don't know. Now I'm scared I messed this kid up for life, and I can't talk to a psychologist because they have to report it. I can't contact the kid and ask him to get help because I ran away from that home (his parents don't speak to me) I am not attracted to kids, I don't know why I did what I did and it's killing me. I can't talk to anyone though because I'm scared. What do you think? am I an abuser? What should I do?
I first want to say that I do not believe you are an abuser. For a child of 5 or 6 to touch another child the way he touched you tells me that he was probably sexually abused himself. And when he said "because God says to love one another" it shows me that not only was he sexually abused he was taught that God said it was OK as long as it was done in 'love' - which is a way of manipulating the child to do things he instinctively may not want to do. If he was abused it was not your responsibility to help him or save him. It was up to the adults in his life to have not abused him in the first place and to protect him.
Not fighting back is something many of is did in order to survive. I never fought back because it would lead to worse abuse (emotional, physical and sexual). Somewhere in your childhood you learned to not fight back. It either made things worse for you or didn't make things any better...so you decided to not fight. It is a common survival skill that abused children have.
I do feel it would be safe for you to tell a therapist what happened to you and this 'minor'. I am guessing you feel that you would be considered an 'abuser' because you were 16 at the time and he was 9 but I don't think you will be. Based on your own past and how it effects you and how you dissociate when something happens I don't think any therapist would report you. Just my opinion - I am not a therapist so I can not know for sure.
I am also assuming that you have never sought out a child to purposely bring harm to them by abusing them....correct? That is what actual abusers do - they prowl for children, find vulnerable ones and then they begin training them to 'accept' the abuse. It doesn't sound like you have done any of this. PLUS you seem to care about what happened to this child and what you may have done in the process of doing the things you did with him. That is not the thought process of an abuser IMO.
I feel you can rest easy that you are not an abuser. It does sound like you had an early childhood that may have included abuse and for that you should work with a therapist. If you never speak of the incident with the 9 year old then that is OK. It may be possible you can heal without ever talking about that one incident. You deserve to heal. You really do.
Take care