Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
A few years ago, my roommate went out to drink with her friends. I had to be up at 5am for practice so I went to bed early. Normally, when she went out she would lose her keys along the way and I would wake up to her pounding on the door at 3am. I had to be up so early... and I didnt want her to wake me, so I just left our rooms door unlocked. And I shouldn't have done that... I blame myself all the time for doing that. But I left it unlocked... I think it was around 1:30 in the morning when I woke up. I woke up to him grabbing my arms and forcing them above my head. I opened my eyes and I saw my neighbor looking down at me. Drunk, sloppy, and naked. I remember opening my eyes and knowing exactly what was about to happen... and I froze just like all the other times, and I let it happen. It always, ALWAYS hurt less if I just let it happen.
It hurt, and I didn't want it... but honestly it was not the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me. The most horrible thing is what came of it. This boy did not wear protection... and three weeks later when I didnt feel right, I took a pregnancy test that came back positve. About 2 weeks later.... 5 weeks in, I lost my baby, and I lost part of my heart with him. I dont know really if he was a him... I just felt like he was. And in my heart I named him Max... and today I have a lot of heartache over losing my sweet boy, and his sister years before. He was not my first miscarriage, years before when I was 15 I lost my sweet daughter halfway through. Her name was Sadie. I know the two of them are holding each other in heaven... but I am so missing the memories that I never got to make with them. They would be seven and three today... I hope they are resting easy my beautiful babies.
"I froze just like all the other times." This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry it's happened many times. One time is scarring enough.
On top of this, your heart clearly has not lost the capacity to love. And that is strength. You didn't resent the idea of a baby with him as the father. You loved Max wholeheartedly. You are a good woman. You deserve so much better.
Your time will come when you'll have that baby. And you will love that little one so much, I'm jealous of that baby. You'll be such a good mom and make sure your daughter is raised protected or your son is raised to never hurt a woman.
You have a lot to give, and one day, you'll meet someone lucky enough to receive your consenting body and your love. There's always tomorrow. And Max and Sadie know that their mommy loves them and will see them one day. But for now, you still have so much to give to the world. So much life to live. And for all the pain you've experienced, I think you've got some happiness waiting for you around the corner.
<3
You are amazing~ I wish I had a mirror to show you, in a way that you could finally believe the truth, YOU ARE AMAZING~
debtless your comment actually made me tear up... thank you xxx hugs, so so many hugs
(((((Evergreen))))) xxxx