Hello everyone, this is likely going to be a long post so I very much appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

I know through vague memories and strong body memories that I was molested as a child. I have very few memories before the age of eight, which is when my parents separated. The memories I do have are of my brother between the ages of maybe 5 and 7 getting me to essentially perform oral sex on him, and in kindergarten playing with various toys in scenarios where the male toy puts the unwilling female toy into sexual situations. I knew in my head what the male toy was doing physically, but I didn't have the words for what was happening. I remember receiving gifts from a friend of my father's who my mother said was absolutely a predator, she said she knew from the moment she met him and that she would never have left me alone with him. I remember being taken to a house by my father and going inside and not knowing the owners, nothing after going inside the house but I have a vivid image of the exterior. I used to "perform" for my stuffed animals. That involved dancing and stripping for them and having them lay on top of me. I would often leave my room in the middle of the night to sleep in the bathtub, and occasionally remember my father getting angry at me for being there, despite there being no reason for him to use that bathroom as there was a separate one attached to his and my mother's room.

Over the years I've had multiple realizations of what happened, all of which, until around six months ago, I promptly pushed away and forgot. I would continue to have these realizations as if it had never occurred to me before and had had no previous suspicion that anything had happened. I feel like now that I am at a very stable point in my life I cannot push this away again, it is something I have to deal with. I have a very close relationship with my mother, and as soon as I told her of my suspicions, she asked if I thought it was my father, she thought that if my brother had the idea to get me to do what I did to him that he must have learned it somewhere, being that he was so young at the time. I've told my husband and closest friend as well, and both suggested immediately disconnecting from my father. Every few weeks or so I kind of fall to pieces thinking about it, and my husband tries to get me to say as much as I can before I stop speaking. After a certain amount of time I stop speaking or reacting to anything he says, and almost revert to being a child, I feel like I've become a child again but I can't make mysef speak, and my mind goes blank, and I have to be carried to bed, and in the morning I'm mostly back to normal.

I was very close with my father after he and my mother split, but these feelings were always there, but I didn't know what they were or their significance:

-uncomfortable with physical touch, with others as well, but my father especially, I would go out of my way to avoid hugging or sitting near him

-uncomfortable going up the stairs before him, I would feel the need to turn sideways under the pretense that I wanted to have a conversation while going upstairs, or I would forget something and he would have to go ahead, I felt uncomfortable thinking that he was looking at my butt or legs

-I would very often find him staring at me for no reason, especially if we were alone, and start blushing and feel an intense discomfort

-feel the need to cover myself up, never wear anything with a low neckline, always wear something that covered my butt, I felt this around all male family members, I began to feel that all men were predators, and that I had to be very careful

-feel uncomfortable with him taking pictures of me, he always took a lot of pictures, I remember having my picture taken while climbing a tree and having the distinct thought that you could see up my shorts, a lot of pictures were candid pictures that I didn't even realize had been taken

-was always scared to be alone with him, I would agree to walks/hikes/car rides, anything really, thinking my stepmom or brother would be coming as well, whenever I found out otherwise I would feel this overwhelming fear and panic and try to think of excuses to get out of it

-he had built a platform for his bed with little cubbies under it for my brother and I to sleep in, which was just a strange thing, considering I would have been 9/10 and my brother 11/12 at the time

-uncomfortably seeing him interact with my young cousins, especially my female cousins, it always seemed very unnatural, and I would feel a deep concern and worry for them 

I can't stress enough the intense discomfort being alone with him or physically close to him, it was such a strong feeling that I completely ignored, believing it to be some strange fault of mine. It makes me disgusted to think that I ignored those blatantly obvious feelings I was having for such a long time.

I had a very non-existent sexual or romantic life until age 21, when I met my husband. Even now there are times when I stop feeling anything during sex, I become completely numb, and feel like I leave my body. I would feel nausea, and this sensation like bugs crawling around under my skin at the thought that anyone was thinking about me in any sexual way. I couldn't stomach the thought whenever anyone expressed any interest in me, but I had a very strong interest in becoming a sex worker for a very long time. Something else I've experienced and never talked about, was the fact that I would become aroused reading about molestation. This would happen and I would be horrified, my body was reacting one way and my mind was reacting in the exact opposite way. Everytime this happened I would consider suicide because I thought there was a chance that I might be a predator myself, and I did attempt it a few times. I know now that I am not, it was after reading another woman's story who had experienced the same thing, and had been molested as a child that I realized and broke down in tears. Everything came rushing at me, and I couldn't deny any of it anymore, reading her story was like reading my own, all these vague memories and all the uncertainty. It was like I had to decide to continue communication with my father on the possibility that I couldn't prove my suspicions, or stop communication with him on the possibility that it is all true. In the end I have decided not to remain in contact with him. Myself, my mother, my husband, and my closest friend, very strongly believe that something happened. 

Any opinions and advice are welcome, I just feel like I have no idea how to move past this, it's like I missed out on my entire childhood, and all this time is missing from my memory. I am at a very good place in my life, I've got an amazing husband, he is and always has been patient and supportive, and my mother and I are closer than ever. I just think that if I could connect with others with similar experiences that it might help. I know this is a little disjointed, but I typed everything out as it occurred to me so that I wouldn't have the chance to convince myself to not write this!

Thank you very much for reading this!

Ella