Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
There is something that has bothered me for most of my life, but I've never spoke about it before. I always thought there was something wrong with me, but there may be a deeper explanation.
It started when I was 8 years old with a dream that I remember pretty clearly. (That in itself is notable. I can't think of any other dream that I remember so clearly, ever.) I dreamed that I was sitting on someone's lap in a church pew that was in a field. There was a fire. The person whose lap I was sitting on was touching me. I also remember my best friend at the time being present in the dream. I've always remembered that dream. When I woke up from it, I began masturbating for the first time ever, but, what's even more troubling, is that I had violent sexual fantasies. From that point, I would masturbate frequently with violent fantasies. It was always a point of shame for me, and I always felt like it was out of my control. I didn't want to do it, but I always would and would end up feeling very ashamed after. This was confusing for an 8 year old. It continued all the way through high school.
That is when I met the man who is now my husband. When we started dating, I had never had sex and wanted to wait. He would pressure me to go further, and I would panic every time he touched me sexually, to the extent that he asked whether I'd been abused. Unfortunately, he continued to pressure me, despite my anxiety. This pattern has continued throughout our marriage. It's been psychologically and, at times, sexually abusive. It all culminated about a year ago, when he raped me. That caused me to examine how unhealthy our marriage has been.
It has always troubled me that, for me, arousal is accompanied by violent sexual fantasies and that I'm aroused by sexual violence and disrespect. I've even gone as far as to allow restraints into our bedroom, but I'm always ashamed after. I've come to hate this part of me, particularly as it is completely at odds with every other part of my personality.
This has been really bothering me today, and I've been thinking about it quite a bit. Today, I made a connection regarding that dream that has me questioning whether it was a dream or some sort of repressed memory. The friend I mentioned that was in the dream grew up just down the road from me in a renovated church. They still had one of the church pews out on the deck behind the house. There was a field just off the deck where we often had campfires. Is it possible that this wasn't a dream but rather a memory? Is it possible I was abused and that explains some of these things that have been bothering me all this time?
It started when I was 8 years old with a dream that I remember pretty clearly. (That in itself is notable. I can't think of any other dream that I remember so clearly, ever.) I dreamed that I was sitting on someone's lap in a church pew that was in a field. There was a fire. The person whose lap I was sitting on was touching me. I also remember my best friend at the time being present in the dream. I've always remembered that dream. When I woke up from it, I began masturbating for the first time ever, but, what's even more troubling, is that I had violent sexual fantasies. From that point, I would masturbate frequently with violent fantasies. It was always a point of shame for me, and I always felt like it was out of my control. I didn't want to do it, but I always would and would end up feeling very ashamed after. This was confusing for an 8 year old. It continued all the way through high school.
That is when I met the man who is now my husband. When we started dating, I had never had sex and wanted to wait. He would pressure me to go further, and I would panic every time he touched me sexually, to the extent that he asked whether I'd been abused. Unfortunately, he continued to pressure me, despite my anxiety. This pattern has continued throughout our marriage. It's been psychologically and, at times, sexually abusive. It all culminated about a year ago, when he raped me. That caused me to examine how unhealthy our marriage has been.
It has always troubled me that, for me, arousal is accompanied by violent sexual fantasies and that I'm aroused by sexual violence and disrespect. I've even gone as far as to allow restraints into our bedroom, but I'm always ashamed after. I've come to hate this part of me, particularly as it is completely at odds with every other part of my personality.
This has been really bothering me today, and I've been thinking about it quite a bit. Today, I made a connection regarding that dream that has me questioning whether it was a dream or some sort of repressed memory. The friend I mentioned that was in the dream grew up just down the road from me in a renovated church. They still had one of the church pews out on the deck behind the house. There was a field just off the deck where we often had campfires. Is it possible that this wasn't a dream but rather a memory? Is it possible I was abused and that explains some of these things that have been bothering me all this time?
Trauma research continues to indicate connections between brain, mind and body. Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., has written a book called The Body Keeps the Score that you may want to check out. For a book, it's current--written in 2014.
In addition to the dream, perhaps looking at the marriage with it culminating in rape may raise a red flag that tells you something may have happened in your childhood. And arousal being accompanied by violent sexual fantasies and disrespect would raise another red flag.
Each time we make associations with sex, violent or not, we are training our brain to return to those associations because our associations create neural pathways in our brain.
But, because science has discovered that the brain can change and create new neural pathways we are not doomed to endlessly repeat old behaviors or entertain old thoughts and false beliefs.
The caveat! It takes hard work. But it can be done, especially with help from a therapist. Get some help. I have little doubt that you have earned the right to create a different life for yourself. A life where you are respected and valued. Rape shouts the exact opposite.
Trust yourself. Trust your body.
xx
SuzA
It's a relief to at least have this group to turn to.