I don't know if I've ever been abused, but I don't remember much about my childhood. I just remember fragments of my childhood and honestly my memories now aren't a great deal better. However, I've also heard/read somewhere that children repress bad memories and dissociate during times of trauma.

I repressed all of my memories of the abuse and they came back in snippets similar to what you are describing. I also didn't always believe the memories as they returned. These are awful memories to have and it's normal to not believe them. This is a form of denial that it appears we all go through. I found that the more I said I didn't believe the memories the fewer memories returned. Once I allowed myself to believe every memory that returned more memories returned and the faster I moved through the healing process.

I don't know how a child could go through abuse and not dissociate. To my knowledge we all dissociate as a way to survive. From the memories that I have had return I can tell that I dissociated in similar ways to you - I floated above my body and I also went into the abuser. When several of my memories came back I could see the scene from the abusers perspective, as if I was looking through his eyes. I am told that this is not unusual as dissociating in this way, and remember the scene in this way, puts us in the power position of the abuse and allows us to view it 'safely'.

My advice to you is to believe what memories are returning and as you believe them more will return and the blanks will be filled in. It is in accepting the memories that you will move forward in your healing. Even if the feel 'unreal' trust that they are true. The way my therapist explained it is: Even if the actual scene you remember is not 100% real it does not matter. This is because whatever you are remembering conveys the appropriate feelings of how you felt at the time. Healing is in the feelings and not in the memory. So if you felt trapped and your memory is of being trapped in a room the room is secondary to the feeling. It is not as important to remember why you feel trapped, only that you heal the feelings of being trapped. And if remembering being trapped in a room helps you heal the trapped feelings then accept the memory of being trapped in the room. I know that is probably confusing as it is hard to explain exactly what I mean but I hope some of my meaning came across and you are able to understand it.

I can't remember if you said in the past if you were seeing a therapist or not but if you are not please consider it. You can heal and you deserve to heal but I would not suggest you try to heal alone. Having a therapist work with us is, in my opinion, essential if you want to fully heal.

It's a very odd sensation for me to be posting about all of this out in the open. I'm naturally a private person. When I'm alone I can think of so much I want to say or type out but when the opportunity comes I'm left wordless.

I spend so much time trying to ignore the thoughts and forget the images. I honestly don't even know if I want to remember any more than I do. Sometimes it just gets so loud in my head that I can't ignore it all.

I used to see a therapist. I had a really hard time speaking to her. She pressured me to get my mom involved and I didn't want her there. It was really hard for me to trust my therapist because I was afraid that everything I said to her she was repeating to my parents. I went to therapy from 15 to 16 then my mom made me stop going because it made her jealous.

Perhaps you need to keep a journal close by to write down your thoughts when you get them. I'm naturally more of an open person, but I can imagine that it is hard for you to share and we appreciate you being here and not only trying to solve your on issues, but help others with theirs. I'm definitely not an expert, but from what little I've read and what little I've experienced it isn't good to suppress/ignore your thoughts. I understand about things being loud in your head. I don't think you are supposed to ignore it. That really sucks about your therapist pressuring you and it sounds like they are probably not a good fit. Perhaps an online therapist could be what you need. I don't know much about them, but I know that they exist. It sounds like your mother has some issues that she needs to work through herself. Have you talked to her about her jealousy?

I really have a bad relationship with my mom. My dad has asked me to try to talk to her and work out the ill feelings between us. I haven't been able to find it in my heart to do it. I know that one day I'll regret it if I don't try to make amends but it just seems like something I don't even want to do. I'm rational enough to know that it's wrong to blame her and hold it against her. But I can't help the way I feel. I don't have any children but I know I'd do anything to protect them.

Sometimes we need to try a few different therapists before we find the one we can work with and the one who can work with us. In my life I have seen many therapists - some worked out well and some did not. In all cases though they did help me as much as they could and I learned something from each one of them. Please consider working with another therapist. It is unlikely that the intrusive thoughts/flashbacks/memories will go away on their own.

You don't have to repair your relationship with your mother now or ever. All you need to do is work on healing yourself and if that relationship is meant to be it will happen. But please work on your own healing first. For many of us we have had to remove certain family members from our lives until we get further along in our healing. This is to keep us safe and to allow us to concentrate on our own healing. You are only responsible for you so please work on yourself and the rest will fall in place later. ((hugs))

Yes, please work on yourself first. Other things will fall into place as your heal. <3 & ((hugs))